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anxiety, women, practice rooms and laundry

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Nov 09, 2015 4:43 pm

Laundry; nothing speaks of hopelessness more then to watch an adult who cannot buy clothing for themselves or do laundry!

When you are thrown away young at a vital age of maturity or development! The first thing you witness is an act of love and caring and safety! One of these natural acts is to watch your mother submit herself and wash your cloths or buy them for you! You must go through this process! From age 8 to 13 or 14! Your mother takes care of you! It is the way of things! She washes you're clothing when your out having fun! You're only job is to have fun a develop! She is supposed to wash your cloths!

What happens if you are abandon! You never go through the process of your mother washing you're clothing! You don't have this!

I could never wash my clothing normally or at the right times or buy new clothing; nothing! I always waited for my mother to return and wash my cloths! But she never did!

In fact; without recovery, a grown teenager or young man, middle aged man, and old man, will spend the rest of his life trying to get his mothers approval; he will show up with clothing for her to wash! So he may continue to be 12 years old; a time he missed with his mother! A very important developmental time period!

Im going throw the change; I've been more realistic about washing clothing! And more accepting that there is no mom; Im the mom, and I wash my own clothing! Im slowly doing this! And Im buying my own clothing and my own clothing styles!

Im a mountain biker! I ride all seasons! I buy clothing for this specific purpose! And I used one the main middle class level clothing companies for my others stuff; ski parkas and snow pants; snow boots! Insulated jeans!

The bike companies; I buy down hill shorts, bid tights! Downhill shoes and boots! Free ride endure mountain biking jerseys! Thermal jerseys and jackets!

I started washing clothing by hand 2 years ago! I hated going to the laundry matt! It's OK! Not very effective! Im a guy, so I just throw stuff into a water filled basin and toss things around for a while! Run fresh water over them and hang them up to dry! I could get allot better at it! I helped me learn to interact with myself in an intimate way that I was rejected from me; rejected from my mother!

The best deal is to learn that mother was a psychopath and understand the true nature of a psychopath! What my mother did is textbook psychopath profiling; she is a text book sadistic psychopath in every area inquiry! From how she handles kids, to sex with her husband, to how she interacts with animals or grand children; its strait out of the book; textbook!

Knowing and proving she is a psychopath! I can start the change to take responsibility for myself knowing this monster is never coming back! I will have to turn to God for answers and help; turn to the Universe!~
The point is; its hard to let go of a mother that hurts you! Its much easier when you know this is no mother but a psychopath! Once you know this is a psychopath! You do not accept anything from them! If they are a sociopath or psychopath; their should be plenty of information to prove it! They do not think or act like normal people; uncovering their double life should not be hard! The evidence with be in front of you; everywhere if you look for it!


So, this morning at a meeting; a talk then later, a women was having a birthday! I forgot! I interrupted the meeting just to wish her happy birthday! Double talked! The point of writing this; I had to make a choice to interrupt the meeting flow! I had to standout like chicken yell'n in a bowling ally!
The point; when I said happy birthday, I could here the girls excitement and pleasure that I went out of my way to notice her! You could here it deep down in her!
By taking a chance; this showed me strength Ive gained over the vast years of being in recovery! Im much stronger being "spontaneous on my feet confident"; This confidence is the type of biology needed to interact with women for dating and relationships! It's the strong glue that keeps you centered and glued into you're courting affair with a women! It means your in the here n now and in reality! You're taking chances in the here n now spontaneously without worrying about the outcome; its pure confidence! And confidence is whats needed to attract, approach and talk to women! Shaking her hand, telling her she's cute and getting her number! This type of confidence is the building block for a man! It's a building block for creating relationships! Having girlfriends and marriage!

The major problem is; who is going to make me grow up! You go throw a developmental time of acceptance! I missed this! It was destroyed and disfigured by sociopaths! So, what do I do now!

Ive let the community bring me up! It's no easy thing to go through! But you get better with time because I get general love from the groups!

As I work with God, signs begin to appear of change and growth and independence! I'm washing my own clothing enough that its less of a big deal then it used to be! Meaning, Ive gotten stronger to it!

I buy my own clothing and have to watch how I take care of clothing; this is my next big hurtle! I used to throw out clothing instead of washing it! If I had nice stuff, I got rid of it because I knew I would never take care of it!

Now is the time of change to learn how to take care of clothing! Be aware of it! Not easy! I want to go back to childhood where someone else was taking care of me! Clothing is a real indicator that your on your own!

From a personal point of view; I was ripped of! However, from a reality point of view; I was dealing with a psychopath! It's not much of an excuse, but it's an excuse! It is! And it's not personal! I was thrown away because thats the nature of this type of animal!

What finally happens is; its hard to deal with! The rearrangement of things because of the psychopath in your life! Or the leaving of a person because they are a psychopath! Its all bitter hard news! Horrible!

I have to learn to forgive the people in my school or the school I was attending when young! They treated me like an untouchable! And yet, the year before, I was friends with everyone! Again! I must learn; nothing personal! These people did not know the real me! And my mother did not do this on purpose! And this is another hard area I have to learn through and work through!

At the time my mother was pulling out and leaving; I started getting bullied by the local bully at school! This harassment went on n on and on! He was a sociopath! And their seemed nothing I could do about it! I was inline like everyone else who got bullied by him!

The goal I have; to continue to go to meetings as is; not letting anyone know anymore about me then they do! Slowly secretly get better; report it on sites like this and slowly get stronger until I make my way back to normal life! ###$; just saying this scares me and shocks me! But Im doing so well; I think this is possible!

Couple other areas of interest!

1. keeping bed stuff clean
2. keeping apartment clear
3. loose weight again! Im athletic; I can loose weight; but what a ######6 bitch this is! its a whole lotta work! nuts!
4. write up songs with lyrics! then, when I find a piano to practice on; I have a song to sing!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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