Im blocked from dealing with the opposite sex. I continue to get a little better or closer; Im not sure how long this healing process will take...
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I find myself around the wrong women... Im stuck and still hurt or in rage and pain and horror and fright and flight from the past... Actually they are the right women... Im scared to tell them whats really wrong with me...
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I cant get near women.. I just cant; possibly because Im around the wrong women. Im scared to get around the right ones because they are even more judgmental. Im scared to tell them I cant get vulnerable around them; it brings up flashbacks...
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Id like to meet the right kind of women that want to help.... God has sent me women but I refused them; I never trusted them. I was overwhelmed by them. I was in 12 step meetings of all sorts; women came at me; I refused them. Scared of them.... But attracted to them; lose of power around them; suddenly they had all the power... I became passive aggressive. I could not stand up to them or deal with them; I refused out of hatred and contempt. deep hatred and contempt hatred. I was projecting from the time I was split in 2 from trauma and thrown away.. all over my head. Actually the problem was sorrow... I was sad.. So; Ill have to look at what makes me sad when dealing with these women. Why am I so saddened when dealing with them?
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I would like to get some help so I can be in relationships; Ive been opening allot of stuff up at meetings; 12 step meetings where many have no clue as to what is wrong wrong with me; but they think they know. And God has brought me women but I never took the bait. I saw it as bait; like a shark was enticing me... I always saw the women as monsters trying to eat me alive in a sadistic way... Ive had no respect for them... Non of them... But thats not true. I dont hate women... I had no respect for those that deserved no respect; predators and opportunists that take advantage of people. Nice women who have been damaged by bad people; Ive had no problems with them; but looking at this Im wondering why Ive been around the predators and not the nice women. I mean; if I had been around the nice women; I would not be writing this right now; ive be dating them.
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The truth is; non of the women Ive dealt with in the present are the problem; the problem are the few women I dealt with when young who were true monsters that through me over the top into a deserted life; those are the people I have problems with.
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Im scared to date nice women; im afraid they will judge me against other nice people and I will be dumped... I dont believe women really care about relationships... I dont believe it; money is more important to them.
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The love Ive had for someone women; love created by God in my heart has had no value to any women Ive been around; ive been shunned or laughter at or dumped; They never cared that I loved them. In fact; they end up going out with guys that play a bad boy role But feel nothing for them... I guess the women feel they can rescue the bad boy. But I had real love for them; had no value. seems almost satanic on their part. I think love does have value to the women Im around; ive just never told them anything of how I feel.
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So; Ive got allot of anger and rage and animosity about certain women that must come out; And looking at it; its actually only the women I knew from the past; but its been held in... And its causing massive overload of stress anytime Im around any women; I get triggered from almost nothing. PTSD gets triggered.
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As for women that like me; scares me and its over my head and I dont want to deal with it or with them; its all to much for me... Im sure they cant help me; they dont know anything about me; they are making a mistake getting involved with me but dont know it; when they find out what Im really like they will bolt And they do.... but Im actually causing them to leave; not my condition,... Ive never been able to accept someone accepting me... I just cant believe it. To allow a full relationship to occur is over my head... its simply to much for me.... it brings up to much of the past. way to much... Its sad and heart breaking because the women changes her attitude about me to negative and backs out and away from me like Im the plague.
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Ive been dealing with the wrong women; maybe its time I work with God to find out who the right women are; what they are like; where they are from; where they hang out; what kind of values do they have. Ive tried 12 step group women; forget it; never worked... Just didnt... not for me.
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My mind has to get straitened out about women... Something wrong; they have to much power over me and im to passive with them; I dont stand up to them or what I want from them; and when they offer a relationship I dont take it. I run in discussed and fear and loathing and fright and dont think im good enough; but I dont stop and tell them; Im scared they will secretly go out on me behind my back. I cant trust them....
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So; Im looking for the type of cultural women I can trust... Im afraid she is in rich houses and I havent been invited; so; Ill start Talking to God about all this.
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As for the the meetings; they are coming to a close as for helping me with the women and dating and relationship issues; they did not fix the problem;; God sending me women in those meetings to date or go out with did not work... So; Ill start writing about what Im looking for from the universe and see who shows up and Ill pray for help with my condition that I can get better.
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