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OMNICELL
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Anxieties

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jul 04, 2013 4:04 am

And it continues...

I continue to fight the dissociative disorder that I may come out of the symptoms of it. Or, come out enough to be able to function. I have made headway! There is movement.

Goals:

The main goal is interaction with others, interaction and the forming of relationships.

PTSD problems take over when attempting interactions to create relationships. When I attempt to get close to someone, All the bells of disorder and fear go off in my head. I receive giant signals to back down from interaction as I am going to be hurt! PTSD memories cloud my brain disquieting my beliefs of present awareness; I am never sure what reality is governing. Am I in the past or present; Im not sure.

I have to deal with a past that did not care about me; it legally killed me on paper and those associated with it killed me! Am I to under emphasize what these people did to me!

I must move through! Pain is pain! I have a giant thick PTSD wall to move through, it is a giant wall of anxiety protection; an electric fence.

The movements of my early life must be returned to. My movements must trace or mimic those early movements in order to un-lodge, unlock me. I, the "me" must be unlocked from torture hall! The doors of torture hall must be opened and I must grieve.

Grieving is so important! Grieving liquids are tightening me into torture hall, it wont let me out. Im in a Houdini tank of flash memories.

The hall must be opened! I must know what is on the other side before I come out. I must know I am ready for the outside world. Therefore, foundations must be made in the outside world before I can come out! And such things are being set in motion.

Ive never had an outside world! I am so ashamed of this! I have to tell the outside world; a safe outside world the truth of the inside world. I must be outside and prepare as I am inside suffering...

Small goals trigger past small goals of another time, a time trapped in PTSD space, split off from self.


Split off from self:
Such a hard concept to face; being split off from self, you wonder aimlessly for ever knowing something is wrong, yet, never having an answer that will fix the problems. I never defined the problems correctly, therefore, I had not answers. I have a few correct answers these days, things are changing.

Fear of childhood, fear of family systems/resentments, or any system reenactments:

Ive found that relations bring me back to family systems. Someone is inviting me into a family! or a system: a human organic! The pulling into, being forced speed, is causing concern of unrest, the PTSD based person shuts down in fear and will not move or interact or react or respond. I am like a robot owned by another. I do not have control of my own movements. This is a present serious matter. This is a condition others never see! Yet, I have experience this twice in several days. I do not know how to let go of this condition.

I want to be myself when interacting with others. I do not want to be the jokester or court-jester or people pleaser to fit in! I need the ability to be free around others to move. Movements with no regrets or fear is a goal.

I fear, therefore I react. I am a reaction instead of self! Self needs boundaries. I am afraid or in fear of boundaries, I was not allowed boundaries. I was threatened with abandonment if I had boundaries against my captors.

I have no other choice but to work with others on the social interactions. Im always on the beginning disabled list with this condition and situation. I am at the beginning when working with social situations. I have to take advantage of the social situations when they are offered to me!

Im working on it! its hard. Very humbling and hard. I have to keep working at it! ITs allot easier when around people of understanding, However, God never brought those type of people around me!
Instead, God brought normal people around me! People that would not give me a special treatment. and it has been brutal and hard, however, I am making it, and always on the edge, I have become stronger and my foundation is real and developing.

If I had it easy, I would have never developed. God is and has been in charge of the whole of things, I have to remember this.
-----

The new girl at the meetings is staring at me again, I have to let go and let God, not be controlled by impulse. I go through God these days.

Beautiful women are hard to approach! the girls that like me are always the most beautiful in any social situation; this makes it especially hard to approach them; I become intimidated by there looks. They have already picked me! All I have to do is walk up to them and shake there hands, introduce myself and make them laugh a bit. Its really weird and interesting to be one of those people that get to date the most beautiful women. Its very hard and nerve wracking. Im scared and shy like everyone else, yet, Im suppose to walk up to these women that are between 8 and 10's and act like nothing is wrong. Its unbelievably hard! Yet, the girl does not seem to no or care! She acts like everything is fine! It is a very strange thing to get used to: dating beautiful women, I find it a pressure situation. You feel like you wont have enough, that her looks can get her a lot more then what I can ever give her! This ways on the mind. However, I have to be stronger and approach her anyway because she likes me!

I pray about the women that like me.

More then one:
I am a man that has more then one beautiful women who likes him in at any one time as I wake up from my symptoms. So, how do you pick the person as a girlfriend when its time to date again. I pray about it, and let God decide, it is a wholly strange affair. When you have 4 or 5 women that connect with you spiritually and have picked you and are waiting for you! You cannot have them all, you can only have one. It feels strange, You don't know who to pick! Its very stressful and strange. You feel guilty letting the others down or letting them go! You want to care about all of them, you cannot, you can only care about one of them! Its all to strange for a person with dissociative disorder and PTSD problems. Even at 50 years old, and it never stops, the women are just as interested in me as when I was 20. Unbelievable! This all must be taken to God or Ill have another nervous breakdown!

Everything goes to God, I stay out of it!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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