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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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i have alot more to talk about
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another day of strength

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Feb 11, 2014 2:15 am

I have no doubts I will get stronger ( mentally). In this case; much like lifting weights! Strength is strength, even if its mental strength.

I have the horrible feeling and thoughT that Im an expert at something. Thanks God, Thank you for saving my life. What Im good at is not what I had planned on! no one would plan on such a thing!

However, I always wanted to be known for something and be a superstar! What Im good at and an expert at is not How I wanted to grow up.

I know what real extreme poverty is ( how I hate to know this)! Third world poverty, and I know how a child is groomed into it! I know the walls, the fortresses of sadness! I know the loneliness of hell on earth! I know the fear! I know the shadow man that keeps calling for long sleep! over n over n over!

decade after decade after long decade!

I wish I did not know. I know what it is to be broken and with no hope!

And I know how to come out of it! the brutal task of day n day out, survival until you are stronger and can live again!

And this is much like a burn ward. One is much burned in the inner self like a burn patient on the outer self. The soul has been destroyed! The spirit!

And the poverty victim must spend the remainder of there lives fighting this thing! With the help of others and a long journey; results can be made. No one ever does anything alone. One must have a family of some sort for success and survival; and many other things.

It is painful! all the time! my soul. I am still alone, and I wish to go back home, and sleep in my room, next to my parents... and I must not destroy this little boy for wanting this.. for this is me. I must be gentle with myself even if the rest of the world tried to kill me!

And the world will destroy your story! they seek status! they will kill to get it! and if I throw what is holy to the dogs, they will trample me under there feet, turn and tear me to pieces; and they have! And they continue to try, as I slowly understand the poverty I am entombed in!

I am trying to find a way out of the tomb of poverty. The question is; what do I come back to!

Im trying to come back to being alive in the hear n now. OK. I guess this is legal! Ive certainly paid the price and talked to God the whole way.

I paid to big a price! to much was put on my back; a thousand pound weight was put on the back of a child! this is wrong! horrible insane! cruelty.

I was destroyed. I am choosing to come back! and Im almost back to the beginning of the beginning; that place of curiosities that entices a boy to flirt with dancing chance taking! And I suppose a girl as well!

The loss is great! I needed and wanted my parents to be my cheerleaders and lead me on through this adventure: they should have! But they never did! they tried to kill me, then they left and never came back!

I wanted my friends and family around me to help me, to see me grow and change. I was a middle class person; all taken from me. I forgot what a middle class person is! I became an animal! and I forgot who I was. I had no memory of that person. I became someone else. Now Im attempting to became me again! and it is the daily work of writing about this mis adventure that is saving me!

Im attempting to reconnect to self from over 40 years ago! and it is possible. The child of that time was awake, they horrified, and escaped deep inside myself! deep, and protected in places I cannot go or know about!

It is possible to come back. ITs amazing! However, Im at a strange drawbridge. I have to get back to the calm self of long ago; the memories! and be in them; be them again! then move forward from there.

----
My father had no money! He could not keep living the way he was living! He did not own the house, she did... He had no choice I suppose. He had to leave! He did not have a life; it was fake! I did not know this. they never told me. He did not care if he ever saw me again! He ai going to leave and never return. He figured his time was up at that house, and moved on! He never thought about it ever again, and never came back in a sense!

My mother had no conscious! she had no business around children; it should have been illegal! She was a dangerous person. If I had not been protected by my father, I would have been dead at birth!

The work has been done to bring me back! I have more work to do! its not finished... Im just seeing the light! Its a start! a light on the other side; its a start!

My condition;

I have general problems.. I can learn to play a piano! but I cannot afford one! thus poverty! I can play drums, I do not know where to practice them; I have no real practice room. I love to sing! I have no practice room. I would love to act; I have no practice room. I love hip hop dance; It would be nice to have a big area!

I can write stories! who will read them! I am an artist! Im not sure who will see the finished work or why.

I have a depressed attitude about such things; a defeatist attitude.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/clinical Depression
lighter forms of agoraphobia
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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