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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Another Day in Anxiety land

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:18 pm

Things aren't bad. Their better then they have ever been,. Im finely getting answers.

Things are Bad. Their horrible. Just ask anyone.. Don't ask me. Thats not what I think. thats not how I feel. Im heading back land to look around. Like a mountain biker with a backpack heading down a forest trail to the destination pod. To come back one more time and be in the here and now, one more time. I don't know how successful it will be. I don't know. I don't know how. I don't care. Im less afraid of the outside world. I know what it is. I see the outside world. To me its a giant war field.. I see. I feel through my mind, my arms, my legs the PTSD all the time. Layers upon layers. Time zones after time zones.

Life is a giant Psychotic jungle land melded with reality from out their, and reality from in here.

I have more movement. More freedom within it. Hard earned movement away from the Paralyzation of Freeze mode. I still feel the freeze mode and the violations that caused it. Yet, Im able to walk a distance from it and go ride my bike In aggoraphobiaville.

Yesterday , closer to the evening I started to decompinsate. I started to become psychotic again. My brain started giving out again. I was OK . I had to go home. The Agoraphobia began to creep in. And it was time to go home.

Im not mad that Im still the way I am. I always hope that I will be life everyone else someday. When Im not. Its OK. I just go home...


Earlier today:


I woke up this morning to the same depersonalized experience that I woke up to yesterday. It feels Schizo effective , to many times during the day. All the time during the day... Its with me all the time.

Im not sure why Im writing some of my symptoms, I guess Im trying to be the big man. To show off and let everyone know who I am and what Im about. That I am my symptoms... Im not sure. Its like follow me. Or look at me. Im a great God. Something life that. I feel ashamed, Yet Im going to secretly do it anyway... Theirs another part of me that likes the idea that I can write about Whats really going on with me. I don't have to conform to the other side in reality land...

Dissociative Disorder: All the time...
DID: All the time. Its strange. Its like living in a group home. Its a bit disturbing. Its not what I wanted when I grew up. It is what it is... Im OK with it. With my protectors and agitators, and all the children running around.
CPTSD: is with me all the time
Schizo Effective tendencies: With me all the time
Agoraphobia: With me all the time
Avoidance Disorder: With me all the time
Psychotic Tendencies: With me all the time.
Depression comes and goes. Not like before. Before it was clinical all the way, with its horrible bouts that should have killed me.
Suicide: not like before. Im allot better. I still get hit pathologically with it. When theirs a problem with something. I say to myself. I want to kill myself. Why should I live. IT would be better to build a giant building for those that don't like this place anymore, and let them go their and be put to sleep. How nice that would be...



Now to a better place-----------------------------------------------

Yet, Im more connected: All the time
Love of God and relationship with God: All the time; Im on my knees to God thirty times a day
I have some friends: and I can call them and walk with them and talk with them: All the time
12 step rooms are open: All the time
I ride my mountain bike all the time. I can go 50 times as far on a mountain bike then I can walk. The agoraphobia doesn't hit me when Im on the mountain bike as much. I think its because my mind is being preoccupied. The rhythmic cyclic movement of the peddles his hypnotizing. I am safer around people, I can ride by them and leave at the same time.. The Rhythmic and balance of the bike swishes my condition around and around and around like a washing machine... To Its like being in a giant fun house..

Im in personal training to be an artist: not all the time. Im getting better. Its hard with these symptom. With the PTSD. I cant Concentrate on anything for very long. And at times, I forget who I am. And at other times Im locked out of everything, of participating in anything. My mind is gone.

Im not afraid like I used to be. All I ever wanted was a family that loved me the way I am. It never happened. And then I studied for many years and understood, that they were all sociopaths. and sociopaths are not reachable for anything. Their minds are gone. And they help turn the minds of those around them into themselves. To control others minds that they end up like the sociopath. Brutally with contempt, or any other means of cohersion.

The child in me wants out. Wants out to a safe place. I was never safe. I was just good at survival. And because of that I felt good about myself. I felt If could survive I as alive. I never understood their was more then survival. And this did not last very long. Then I was sent to Hell to suffer and burn..

Those around me that stood against me , I never did anything to anyone. Those people have never left. their everywhere. Everywhere I go.

I am the laughing stock at times. At others I am a threat to people. Others look up to me as a savior. How dumb is that....

I come from several backgrounds. I come from no background. I just might heal and survive this thing.

I have not an amount of respect for those out there≥. Out in the world. The world of anxiety, because they have created this world for their own benefit. For their own behalf. Not for mine. I live in the inner world. The inner city brain. The world of many minds and many eyes looks and looks out. All wanting to get out. All crowding around to see first, the opening of a new day...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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