As my mind slowly opens from dissociative disorder; God is allowing me to see things from other perspectives...
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During the developmental years; 9 12--13; totally ruined through abused and fear; and trapped through PTSD and dissociative disorders... and all the other horrors that go with it... completely destroyed..
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In that period I havent been able to leave that yet; the sexual abuse; the bulling from inside the home of strangers I was living with; the fact I had no more parents and no more home and I was given away several times by then... The bullies outside I could not deal with or handle; it was not safe to go outside. I was finally used by the local kids who were way tougher then me; I was not tough at all because I originally never came from a background like that. At school being bullied.
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I was shut down so much I could not move anymore in any direction or do any school work; all trauma... I was destroyed and alone; no one cared.
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So; when looking at girlfriends; a few things.
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First; From ages 4 to 14; who is going to bring me up; I mean; all the development I lost; it stops me from dating someone because they cant give me what I never developed and the inner me just wants to go home and develop it... Doesn't want a girlfriend; thats later in life. I want to feel safe at home developing. So; this is a problem.
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A great new revelation; I saw this women I liked. I ignored her; she gave me one more Hello; I didnt answer her; but I knew it was the last one; and she was gone. about a month later or 2 weeks later; she has a new boyfriend; Im furious... How could she do this to me. Their was a connection between us; but I just couldn't see it from her side that I had never taken any interest in her or said anything to her; nothing. So; she moved on. Im not saying it was perfect; but one thing it was; it was more mature then me. Maybe not; maybe it was animalism and sickening; it was; immoral. sickening. And sad.
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But one great thing was just revealed to me from another side; from her side; The universe has revealed it to me; it means Im just growing up just a little bit out of the past losses...
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From her perspective; If I was a guy showing up for the first time into group and I saw her and thought she was hot and she is hot! The first thing I would ask is; " Is she single"'; And if the answer is yes then; it means; she is available; this hot girl (women); is in this group; good looking and single. I would go for it...
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of course writing this makes me mad and sad and sick to my stomach.. Because Now I remember sitting their having to watch these filth do their little dance in front of me; its just sickening and now I remember how much it traumatized me and I can see why I never asked her out; and that is why; I saw that kind of hustler attitude to start with and this proved it out; I mean; she has no conscious.
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Anyway; IT means; if I think this women is hooked to me and she is single; Im mistaken regardless. I mean; another man comes into a group and sees her and asks around; and the word is; she is single because SHE IS SINGLE. She is single; not kind of. She was available to anyone who was interested. She had no ties to me; nothing. She just didnt. I had not asked her out yet. and this is a great thing because it means Im finally starting to grow up just a little bit from the trauma. And that is great news..... And this is hard work on my Brain. I might just tell her about all of this stuff one day...
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IT still horrible to remember but I also have to remember these are adults even tho Im much older they were much older at dating people.
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So; Im starting to wake up to things; God is doing this for me.... I still have all that shame from being bullied and not being able to stand up for myself and being controlled and having all my time waisted... and having me destroyed...
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How do I get women; I become a man; I hang out with other men guys that want to become real men and I get humble. Humility toward women is the issue; the problem.
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Humility toward women is the problem; the issue; it takes real heart; the heart of a real man and it requires a man that loves; not some thug with fake hugs... It requires action... it requires a man to ( pause); act like a man. Looks like I might get that chance once more in my life...
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Humility; being humble with women; this means giving them attention; being attentive; being charming; being a gentleman. being curious,. This means having class; having poise; This means not an attitude of infinity where Im mean and want to put everyone down because I feel less then everyone; it means a clear shot of love strait from the core of self; no deflection where Im not true to myself... It means being true to myself... Im learning about this right now.
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When young I had to deflect at the Core; dissociate to survive; Not anymore; God is helping me change this; Im no longer being tortured.... When I was being tortured; I had to deflect that second of beginning reality to survive; micro second. Right from the beginning.
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Humility toward women is the way to go; its the only way to go so low that it creates a runway for them to swoop down toward me; as I attract them... Its not as easy as it looks; it takes allot of practice and visualization and manliness.... Its like getting the door for a women.... or putting down a coat when its wet... so she can walk across it... its chivalry... Its serving... Its charm.... its affectionate love... Its putting her first; all attention on her... but its more then that.. Its humble....Its at her level with openness... and their it is. Its not easy for someone like me with an infinity complex; its horrible to show who I am and then have to drop my propped up damaged ego to a low level... a humble level. Ive got nothing to hide; thats to much. way out of my league; but Im getting it; the concept.. Ill be working with God on this to face this innocently and see what happens... working and trusting God.