Im remembering who I am.
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another look at my first love; important for my growth. altho I spent time with her; I never made a pass at her and the whole thing fizzled out very quickly; I was not taken seriously after that. And soon dropped. I hate this... but it sums everything up. And its the same problem I have with all women all my life; almost all of them. Why dont I make a pass at them and have a relationship; This will have to her for another blog.
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I remember my first love; I was just screaming at God about this. Ive complained about her telling others years ago; I meant nothing to her; if her brother and My brother would have never met; she would have never met me. But the reality is; I would have married her. She would have been my wife. She had no problems with me. No problems occurred with me until I introduced them. She was taken off guard. I was a specific person in charge of my life with my own temperament. And I would have been a good husband. I loved her with all my heart as I should; For God brought us together. I remember wanting someone to beat me up... but now I realize. She was suppose to be my wife and I betrayed her... I became someone else. She had nothing to do with it; was unaware completely.
Could I be an independent person again and a good husband.; Could I be a good husband? really. Why dont I write a blog on it... I dont think Ive ever done that.
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My question is; how do I get that guy back; the original me. Im starting to see him again inside me; to become him again. independent. I had so many different doors slam in my face so I would not become him; me! I was stopped at every possible time line. I did become reactive and mentally ill. I never become what the psychopaths wanted me to become. But I was destroyed. But I never turned. but whats the difference. except now; Maybe I can become me again.
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I remember being me and then I turned into "him"; The narcissist + 6 year old repressed child adult; anti social victim manipulator... Also criminal; actually verging on criminal. I was spilling over showing signs of a criminal... Anti social behavior... blaming others... stealing things.. never was like that before. Pure anger... hatred for everything... rage...... I took it out on this girl I loved;( no I didnt; I walked away from her because I knew this was my problem and I did not want to expose these to her; that I had fatale problems I could not control or over come and I could not control. And I probably was not the person I represented to her; I didnt know I had these problems... And I was to frightened to show her; to terrified of who I really was.. The deeper me was starting to show; so I gave up and Ran away never to be seen again).
So; I thought I took it out on this girl or would have; but why! I could not push it down and have it not control me or let it go or leave it behind; it took me over completely and ran the show. I lost her( the girl I loved). new set of anti social beliefs. As if a new person was created in me that ws frothing through. This destroyed my schooling; doing well. This destroyed my ability to have relationships. It was almost like a sociopath was created; maybe a psychopath...
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Maybe this psychopath has been their all along at a deeper level.. or this broken person who was destroyed and hiding deeply within me with no place to go... Maybe he was being forced to come out and show his face if he was to be around this girl.
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Now; I just want the original me back. Because I remember who I was. I remember wanting to marry this girl when I was young and everything was fine. She wanted me and I would have responded to her. Everything was fine. Then I got hooked into by a psychopath and destroyed again and then I became mentally ill at a much worse level. And I become anti social and pulled away from the girl for just reasons because she represented the whole of the system I hated.. Society. I changed within a very short time against everything and everyone one. I trusted no one anymore; nothing; certainly not the normal way of life... I thought them my enemies.
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(possible this broken child already hated society and everyone in it that did not represent a victim of society and wanted nothing to do with these successful people). But I saw this girl as a victim.
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It could be that I lost face. As I got older; more things were coming down the pike and I wasn't prepared for them; suddenly; jobs or money or cars or future or college; Not prepare for anything. At 14 I could get away with things. At 16 going nowhere; thats different. But I was hurt because I was destroyed by many things and thought this girl didnt care; and no one else cared., and I realized she could care less as if she ever met me... And that is what bothered me. If I never saw her again; would it bother her. And she acted like it didnt matter if she ever thought of men again; but it mattered to me; she was the love of my life. So; I dont understand this. Today I can take this to God. But at the time. I was suppose to follow through with her; Gods orders and I did not. And I have no actual reasoning of why I did not.
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( I never talked to her; I never talked to her about any of this. For God sake; no reasonable person who knows nothing is expected to know something. I didnt care; I didnt want to here it; she should have known; And that statement; ( she should have known); this is an example of pure delusional thinking; Im completely in my mind and not in realty; its all happening inside my Brain. I mean; in reality; no one can have a clue of whats going on inside someone else; its impossible unless told. So; I was projecting my parents on this girl I assume; and they were suppose to save me and she represented the different women in my life I saw on tV and in real life and in my fantasy of what women should be like; and she should have acted with service to her countryman and helped save me like a good comrade...
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I did not follow through with my first love or girlfriend potential interest. ( I think I was to delusional)( to much mental illness).
Why is this so important; because it represents someone or something else inside of me controlling me; anger or hatred or revenge or loathing rebellion and I was caught up in that as an excuse not to follow through; and I took it. I did not follow through. So; character flaw. or something. It was actually way over my head; I had lost all my self esteem; my self worth was gone; I was nothing; I was destroyed again by the psychopaths when young.. And their was nothing left of me.
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( Lost all my self esteem; No; I was tortured and went way below this level of no self esteem; I was at a point of having "no self"; bottomed out.
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So; I realized; I still loved her; but their was a deeper set of foreboding feelings; hatred. A deeper set of beliefs of hatred. But it wasnt toward her it was toward society. Its as if I was turned into a criminal or narcissist. And I wanted to destroy people so I could feel important. And that took over as more important then having my future wife... And that does not compute. I can see that. Forget it; I was independent and happy. I loved being around the first love of my life. I would not have given her up.
( this is not true. I was rarely my real self around her; I was this fake popular self. I was trying really hard to fit in to be physically close; this wasnt real. Maybe I as mad because she wasnt real. I was putting on a fake mask and it was attracting her another fake shallow person; and after awhile I realized I had nothing here; just this fake shallow person... a complete stranger I had fooled into liking me.. And I realized; I didn't really know what I had gotten myself into. Who was she. Who was she really... Was she a nice person; a victim on my side; WE against the world; her n I... ). Im afraid later I would see something I didnt expect; a sociopath.
( did I really get close to her really? No I didnt; I had dissociative disorder at the time and didnt get close to her; thats why she gave up and started treating me as if we were just friends. Like I was her harmless girlfriend because I couldn't man up and be a man and take her out or ask her out or make a pass at her. I never made a pass at her. And I want to say; Im ashamed to tell you because it doesn't fit in with my story. IT throws the story off and reveals the real problem. I never made a pass at her and that ended everything. if I had made a pass at her; this would have gone to another level and interaction would have started and all of me would have been pulled out; including the deeper me's I didnt want her to know about. The dissociated people within me at a deeper level. The broken people from the other homes I had lived in. I didnt want her to know about us.... I guess I wanted to fool her.. I liked the idea of us resting deep within the host and her not knowing about us...
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I have to find out in detail why I gave her up. I dont like to look at this because it makes me look bad,. And im the victim. But the victim of something else that is spilling over into my first love; my relationship with her. I stopped trusting her; she represented the enemy. She was another enemy; another one of them. All of them. They were all the same. They had no respect for me. Nothing.
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Wheen I frist met her; it did not matter; I was creating an independent relationship of love for her and thats all it was; I had my independent life and could care less about anything else. And I chickened out of that life and then I bought into this higher level of anti social negative hatred toward everything and everyone. I could not complete with anyone. But I had changed. PTSD I assume; more of it; hit with it again; triggered again. And I hatted her and and her family; they were the enemies. But that just aint true.. It f_cking aint; she was not. She was not being loved. I was sent to love her;
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Thus; I created a new image of her in my head that was negative and I can see it right now. However, I can also see the person I actually knew; And she was neglected and needed to be loved. So; I turned her into an caricature of a type of person; The Nazis did the same things to the Jews...
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I became prejudice against her; claiming people like her victimized people like me who had been destroyed by the system. And I proudly wanted nothing to do with that filth. But at the same time; in the real world; She was actually someone I had created a relationship with and I was loving her...
The truth is; I could not keep up with her schooling or her success... And their it is and I dont want to talk about it.
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I could not keep up with her schooling or her success; but I loved her. My schooling was being neglected out of existence and I was being neglected out of existence and no one cared. And it started showing up a few months after I moved to the coast; after I met my first love.
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I was thinking about what women that liked me last year. All of the stuff I held against her. She liked me at first. I was in shock mode; and could not talk to her. I was to afraid of her... it was to much reality for me. She gave other men attention; she started merriering other men and giving them her energy. I felt betrayed; that should have only gone to me I thought I was special. She tried to say Hi to me again; I refused; I did not talk to her again; she finally tried to say HI one more time; l I refused; that was that. I mean; I could tell she was done trying.
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later in the park; at a meeting; I thought; ill let my guard down; id prayed about it. I thought; Ok; Ill give her maybe another chance; Ill do something when I feel safe enough; ill walk up and talk to her; but at that moment; another man that wanted her; he started walking in on her; hitting on her; getting to know her; I was discarded like I was a fool. She went with the other man. I bowed out permanently and thought. God; what a bunch of horrible weirdos; And I thought. You know; all of this is to much for me. This is way over my head. All of this; I cant complete with any of this; I mean; I cant keep up with any of this. Im just a simple person. This is to much for me. way to much. id be better off with a simply psych nurse. But then I thought about it; id not make it with her either. I wouldn't make it with any of them.
And as Im writing this; Im seeing my Grandmothers house where I was molested but Im somewhat awake as I say this.
Im seeing my Grandfather molest me; trying to get close to me; And Im feeling it and seeing it and flash backing on it... And him getting close without my permission crossing my boundaries and I cant do anything; im in freeze mode; Im 2 young and scared and confused and have been thrown away from my past home and schooling and have no more parents. Im being treated like an Animal.
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So; when I said a psych nurse could not get near me; probably not; probably no one... Not even a psych nurse. So this tells me what I have to work on. its about people getting physically close to me. Its about trusting people. All of this is way over my head. all of this.
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The problem is the delusion that Im well and can act like anyone else when its not true; im not even home enough to deal with the truth of whats really going on inside me... So Im in a delusion concerning these women or relationships; any of them.
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What to do?
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Ok; So what I see. I see my Grandfather molesting me; getting closer to me physically. Thats the first part; thats the part thats causing the problem. However, next I see the girls that have liked me and I blame them for not rescuing me or standing up for me against this sexual rapist of children who is molesting me; A women should have been their to protect me; a mother figure or big sister or older female friends; baby sister? Aunt. Female cousin; someone? anyone? what good are these women if they could not have rescued me; wanted to rescue me or cared enough to rescue me and protect me... I wanted them to protect me and take care of me; mother me.. But its not mother me; its friendship me; I mean; sent from God to take care of me... I thought God was sending me Angels to take care of me and look after me.
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I thought the first love I had; she was an angel sent to take care of me; I was an Angel sent to take care of her... But its as if I had been burned up into ashes and no longer worked... I was destroyed
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I am getting somewhere here. First; I mentioned that not even a psych nurse would have qualified to date me; I would not have let her in because she didnt know the inner workings of me being molested. So; she wasnt good enough. Well; she wouldn't have known; So; it would have been a stranger; she would have been a stranger without the ability to ask questions about the situation. I would have never dated her. It would have done me no good. She would not have been able to help me; no one could date me; no one. Im to sick. And their is a reality to this; a soberness to this that is good... It takes my delusion off what women were or are supposed to do for me; it takes it away. But Im still angry at them for not getting inline with me and society and playing a helper role to keep society going. they are not surviving man kind As God commanded. Why am I so interested in what God commanded for women. Why do I care; thats a bit childlike condition. So I feel stuck like Im not going anywhere with this; but I am. Im getting closer..
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Im not able to compete with my first love; at first at 14 I can complete; but a little while into it and she is already moving ahead of me. And Im getting left behind. And their it is... And that is a major part of this;. This is mental health issues and trauma.... Im sick and need help and no one cares... Im all alone and in a new city far removed from anyone who cares what happens to me. I need mental health. I cant complete with anyone anywhere. I can go up to a girls house a few times and flirt with her but thats about all the future I have with her; no more. Im in a dissociated state; not present enough. Im not present And im looking for relief; thats why Im their; being around her is relief for me... I felt safe and I loved her. So Im looking for relief. Who knows what would have happened if I had told her this stuff; Impossible during the time period. but maybe she would have stayed with me.
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This brings up something else. I want to be with someone where I feel Im getting relief by being with them. I can crawl into their world and feel safe and I like being around them.. And I was afraid I would never find that again.. I trusted this girl; she would not cheat on me or anything like that; she was not like that. but later; who could I trust ever... I never trusted anyone. And thats been big problem. But Im getting some ideas of what Im looking for.
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The one major concern I have is the constant blaming of women for my problems because they didnt save me. I understand from the Childs point of view; I thought all women worthless because of this; worthless and unforgiving. Self seeking. Hated; they let a child get molested.... thats how I felt about it.
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I dont want those kinds of women round me. I want nice women round me; not the bad ones... thats been the greatest fear. more then a fear... I dont want someone like the molesters or my mother; or by best friends mother; or grandmother; I dont want anyone like those monsters around me.. No one.
Im stuck in a kind of trauma bond. Something. Its the same thing that happened with my first love. I turned on her when she had done nothing wrong... And their it is. The focus is on blaming women... because they were the only ones that could save me; no one else could. I guess a mother that is suppose to save her child... protection... I was not protected. And I dont ever want any women around me that dont protect; I dont ever want anyone like that around me ever again; horrible....
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altho Im writing about all this; Im still sick..... This will all lead to something tomorrow; some how getting the real me to face the monsters of my past and over come them and move back into that guy that just wanted to meet a nice girl( and make a pass at her); a first love and fall in love with her and marry her and live a normal independent life....
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( cant get married if I cant make a pass at her).