Im at this place; and ive been going through this; Where; when Im visualizing my first love in my imagination; I see light in front of me and nothing else; just a sun shining back at me; not something that hurts or is to bright; its bright but not powerful.. but it is; its light; like looking at a lightbulb from 10 feet away; one cant see anything. And this is dissociation; my mind keeps me from looking directly in front of me; Their is a reason..
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To look directly in front of me.
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My mind is keeping me from remembering when I was forced to look directly in front of me. What did I see; the horrible nightmare of being forgotten and thrown away. I remember my father; that is the first of my healing from this exercise of re visualizing with this girl in my imagination; As I get closer to her; suddenly I see my father and Im a boy again; and with my father Will not get away but given away; and I dont know it; and I down know its coming but he does; and several years of it; slowly deteriorating and not getting developed; but instead getting destroyed by a sociopath... and thrown away and given away; and the horror of not having anyone; just a slow fake letting go of my life... my life being let go of and I being completely let go of into nothingness. All plans destroyed and gone...
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And Im taken back to this horror; this sadness... of watching my little life slowly snuffed out of existence.
Heres the point; By being forced up close to someone in my imagination and applying feeling; suddenly I can see in the past some of what my Brain is really hiding from. And its slowly confronting it; and their will be more; for this exercise is not about the girl from the past; it is an exercise in confronting the past that comes up in a most brilliant way; I reminds me of the effects of EMDR; that it has on a patient. This is from God tho; given to me from the universe only for me at this specific stage in my recovery,. The universe chose to give me an exercise in my imagination instead of bringing me a real human ( real girlfriend) to work with because I needed someone who was trust worthy and safe; and the girl he originally brought me for the job; yet another one; she betrayed me; she betrayed God. Altho that hurts; I must move on... ITs pure evil and its done; she crossed the line and shall never be allowed to return. God will not allow such things in his kingdom... The universe will not allow this type of evil... For it is a destructive evil. It melts me; or dissolves me... Its meant to harm mislead and destroy the innocent and to shed innocent blood; one might say. God will have none of betrayers....
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So; I have to get beyond this level of the light; whats beyond it. For my personal life and power are beyond this light; it is the ability for me to be present once again... Im not looking forward to dealing with whats beyond the light; but I know what It is; Those time periods when young; different forms of loss; where my life will be snuffed out and given away by the psychopaths.
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So; getting beyond the light; it means; to keep at it; keep grabbing her hands and telling her I love her over n over no over; The goal is this; That my brain switches out; and im taken to the angry side of things when she did not like me anymore and thought she was better then me and she throw me away; God does not want me thinking that. He wants my Brain trained to only love; no other thoughts regardless of what I think this women did to me... I am to forget it in a sense; literally only to love her in my imagination until I actually love her again and have no other feelings then a longing maternal love for her. Wanting to save her and rescue her and love her and hold her and cherish her and adore her completely; a longing of true love set forth through the energy of God... For I am being used as a conduit for Gods energy... I am Like the Dora German Cannon of WW2; Hitlers Jewel of machinery. A giant monalyth ; 2000 man operated; I think to take out the French line; I cant remember what country it was aimed at... Biggest gun ever made. Was not used. Was not needed; I think that line was breached without the gun... and it never really got used. But the power that thing had. That is the same power energy flowing through me from God to this girl. That was the original idea.
This girl had no parents; not any that counted; and she cried out to be loved and I was given the job; the task; and I appeared from God to love her... I was chosen by God to love her and I did at first and it was great. But then I made a mistake and told the psychopaths and I was breached and broken and could no longer function for this was not the first time I was broken by them; but the 100th time and I began to get very ill in a way I cannot describe... Deep deep PTSD problems all over my body and nervous system; Im still sick from it today... This special human venom they breathed into me; And Im not talking about PTSD; Im talking about a taser effect upon the inner lining of my soul by evil; its left me dormant and without purpose or reason or any will. But I am better now regardless... fOr a new me has been created within me... I am now learning how to use that new programing and do something with it; this new me.
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So; I was cut short of loving her.. When I loved her; she was over ran; I mean; she gave up; she could not win against Gods love; It was like a Tsunami of love smashed her down onto the sea floor where she was knocked out for ever more.. I would have married her; she was my friend; I created that friendship out of nothing; greatest thing I have ever done.
After the psychopaths destroyed me; the evil set in; I became cold inside and without any feeling anymore; like I was in the middle of a battle war; and had seen to many bombs blow up around me with no place to hide.
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( all of what im writing has been writing from the very first blog I wrote on this site; but deeper and deeper and deeper I go into the same question. And it looks like; maybe this time; God will finally give me the answer I seek concerning reversing the past and getting on my feet again).
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The point is; Im getting a second chance to love her again; and this time Gods love is flowing through me just as before; but this time I work with God as a cripple; a mental cripple entering a realm ive seen before; a realm created in my mind... And its working; Im hitting the opticals as usual And dissociation comes but its not working this time. This time I practice over n over n over staying awake and and being up close to her telling her how I feel. Over n over n o ver; slowly; every day getting stronger with my beliefs of love for her until I will match Gods energy and over throw her with love. But this time; I talk to her and sit with her telling her about myself and about my life and what is really going on at that age in the present of that age and time period. And I tell her how I really feel about her and what I want from her; She is my friend and that means something to me; I love her; Im in love with her and I want her as my girlfriend. And I tell her all these things and why... I dont hold back this time. And when she wants me as a boyfriend this time; I dont dissociate; I say yes this time. And I lay down on the bed with her next to her and talk. And act normal.
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And so; God will normalize me; create ( new working thoughts) in me into a normal human doing independent normal social things with intimacy and that shall be the new me; creating my whole social life with God and no one else... And not the past.
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( a new me with new thoughts and creating new thoughts; I wont ( out of fear) be dependent and turn to the past for my instruction on how to live; I will create whats in front of me and never look back; that is the kind of healing Im asking God for; And God is supplying the ability for this if I have the courage and long long longevity to follow through; for this is for men only not children; this is the real thing; the long haul to bust through to a new life; dong it through work.. )
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So; this not easy; a wall of horror resides; a true space of PTSD of many faces and time periods that holds me in check; my nervous system holds me in check so I dont get hurt; it keeps me from that wall of evil energy and hatred from getting near it;( my nervous system also has hatred and contempt for what has happened to it; the damage to it and does not want to give up anything else). But I must get near it ( the wall); I must go through it... So; my nervous system creates dissociation so I wont go through it and many other smart things it does to keep me off base so I dont face that wall of fire...
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But my nervous system has been outsmarted by God. For God has created a situation of pure love for me to participate within; and my nervous system has been rendered dysfunctional from it; it cant come up with a way to fight back; Gods energy over flows beyond it like a fast moving river under the sea.
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My nervous system cannot stop God from loving this girl created in my imagination.. It will try; And I get triggered. And I get PTSD and dissociation and at times bullies appear down my lane in my imagination; but I must go general and back off to safe spaces but stay in my lane or take a side lane to a safer place and wait it out until Im ready to start again; and again I will and I have and I do; and Im back in my Lane again; back at it. And slowly over time; day after day after day; she becomes more real and much like I remember her; the memories return very clearly and getting even more clear. And soon Ill break the physical barrier with her and it will be much easier to put my arms around her waist or her shoulders or grab her hands or be on my knees in front of her looking up at her holding her hands and proposing love to her over n over n over and that God loves her and I love her.
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The break through Im looking for is a sense of independence; and it will happen; suddenly ill be fully immersed with her in my imagination and I will forget about the past or the psychopaths and what they did to me for that moment Im with her because Im creating new moments with her and im not connected to the past... And that is what Im looking for; it will happen; but much much work is needed and altho some of the wall is destroyed; that keeps me from being on the side of a new free life; much more of the wall still remains to be broken through. and; I will need to experience all these new healthy experiences with this person in my imagination.
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And why do all of this; because God has a women in the present for me. But first I must be a healthy man in my actions again; free to express myself physically and freely and expressively confidently... And this will happen. In fact; Its some of it is already showing up. But its the work Im doing in my imagination; all the freedom Im fighting to regain; all of the new expressive physical actions toward this girl in my imagination to get closet to her and tell her I love her; to fight to be close to her and tell her I love her; all of this is starting too mimic into the outside world from my imagination. The more I do in my imagination; the more it starts to show up in the real world..
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But let me be perfectly clear; For every 10,000 times I create an experience in my imagination with this girl; In the real world I can hardly move a thumb up or down differently then before; it takes allot of work and time for real movements to start changing in the real world; but its happening; and it grows over time... First only a thumb and then a hand and then an arm; next thing ya know; Im waling differently better. But remember; I am disabled with serious long term PTSD; CPTSD dissociative disorder problems; So; its not so easy for me.. And the edge off realty; what Im seeing is PTSD and thus I dont want to see reality or be on an edge; I want to be in a dream world; but the universe is showing me a way to break through into the real world so that I may have something real in there real world; and it will happen.
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One must remember what God is doing here; he is completely reverse engineering my life back to a time period before I was broken; this is a complete rearrangement of my inner self at all levels... The universe is all over me and within me; Its as if Im a universe connected to the outer universe... I am more out in space then I am here on this planet... It is within me and out of me and inside me and all around me....
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So; The more work I do; the More horror walls I face and the more pain and screaming and screaming and screaming from the growth and the touching of deaths door...... So close to the pain and gruesome horror of PTSD....
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So; Im not their yet; Not on the other side of the wall yet. I have ventured or been able to move past it with safety equipment but I am only able to go beyond it for a short time; I am pulled back... It will take time to vanish through the wall and ever be seen seen again; but it will happen; I will get stronger and be present again on the edge of this realty.
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