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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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And the next round cometh

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon May 14, 2012 12:34 pm

This blog is running slow!

Iv'e been venturing out. More and More My condition is turning back into a severe anxiety disorder. Most of the Pshyzo condition is disappearing. More specifically when Im alone. However, under pressure of the outside world, when I have no place to hide, it remains. Its not the same as before.

For the first time in my adult life, the dissociative condition is being broken through. The real me, the original personality is starting to come out. Its starting to shine through. I want through. It is happening.. This is a great thing.. Its a beginning. It will take time.

I have no memories as I wake up. Its as if I got on my bike to ride to the store. The sun is shining, I looked back at my house on Palouse st, I headed by my best friends house and the other houses on the block, as I am traveling forward I start to day dream, as I enter the parking lot of the store I look down and notice my arms. White hair is protruding from the skin. Its not white hair, its grey. I have grey hair. I have aged 40 years within a few moments. Yet, somehow I know, Im 50 years old. Yet, I notice nothing, and nothing seems wrong. Im not sure why. Im not sure how the mind can turn the past off. I become present and nothing matters. Im aware something is strange and something is wrong, Yet, I don't remember. So I go forward as the original me.

Problems:

Getting ran over by people; specifically the dumb spoiled middle classes. Not all, some. Im still getting manipulated. Im a nice guy, I respond to people as a nice sincere person, my biggest mistake. I have to learn to have boundaries, stay away from these manipulators. They are arrogant stupid manipulative people. Im of a decent sort, I don't except people to take advantage of me. Its horrible. I am undercut and have no idea what happened. By the time I understand, its to late, Iv'e been taken.

PTSD problems remain, they are bad.
Dissociative condition remains. its better, there is movement beyond freeze state. Still mass problems; the close I get to people ( physically close) I dissociate back into unreality.
AVPD is alive and well, it gets better as the DD gets better.
D.I.D. is what it is. Im not bothered by it. I switch once in awhile. All alters seems to be working together. Im still detached from the original broken tortured person. Im not sure what to do about this. I will have to continue to work on it. I don't have the problems others have with D.I.D. Im not sure why,. My alters are fairly quit at this point. We are all working together, not allot of conflict. I think this is because Im on my knees to God all day long, so my alters know Im trying the best I can to go in the right direction.
General Anxiety is a bitch: The electric fence never goes away, its a constant challenge.

Iv'e dropped down from 100% to about 75% to 50% in all areas. This is a great thing.

Im drumming again. Practicing every day. I want to get a big speed metal set and put together a speed metal band. This cannot not be now; in the future.

Still cant sit at the computer and create the way I want to, I dissociate to much.
----------------------------


Went to work today for a friend. First Time Iv'e worked in a long time...
I was nervous at first, However, after awhile things got better. The impaction of being so close to someone, taking orders, working so close, causes great stress to the PTSD areas; I knew this.
I wasn't sure how much I could take. I am infected from the start. The question is; how much can I take; then what?. I was ripped up emotionally after the day was over.. About 5 hours of work. It had nothing to do with the physical. It had to do with exposure. I had no control over my environment. The different alters in me went bizirk. I did survive. I did OK as long as someone else was doing the thinking and I was taking orders as a helper. I cannot handle the pressure of any responsibility or to be focused for any great length of time; impossible. I have to remember, Im just exploring , just practicing.
------

12 step meeting: Im noticing people are trying to treat me the way I used to be. Iv'e change and they are not allowing my newer ( older or original personality to be present) its sickening and despicable.
The real me does not need to worship these people. Yet, they force the issue, that if I don't worship them, why am I bothering them since they are Elite. ITs a rough game that is being played. Its great for my dissociative condition as I have to learn to adapt. Its hardcore, and its interesting to watch people and how they treat me and attempt to "not" interact with the real me. The false me is excepted, the real me is not. We shall see!
Last edited by OMNICELL on Wed May 16, 2012 12:44 am, edited 2 times in total.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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