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OMNICELL
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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jan 04, 2016 12:57 am

Im considered by women to be someone that looks as good as a move star! Ive been told this by women for a very long long long long long time! Im compared to movie stars! When I was younger! And they tell me! They tell me in the parking lots, they tell me next to their boyfriends! But that was when I was younger! When you get past 50 years old! Something happens! Sure, plenty of women want you! But something has changed! Your now to old! If you see a beautiful 21 year old women and you think your 21, your in for a rude awakening! This does not mean that you cant have young women! The problem is persecutive! You can sleep with allot of them! But you're going to start a romance>? Its possible! But, ay know! Maybe not! Because your to old! Ay know! Their comes this age thing, when your old! I mean, its now happening to you! Your face, your eye brows turn square! It sucks kinda! It brings out the insecurity in you! But it's OK! I imagine in women, it simply freaks them out getting old! I don't even want to think about their perspective! I suppose they give up! To bad!

Women like the way I look! ITs been so bad when younger that everywhere I went women would be interested! all of them! And it does not matter who or what they come from! Plain Jane's from the library or super hot cover girls so stuck up, no guy could get near them! Never fear! Omnicells here, Just point her out! Sooner or later she will be looking in my direction and wont stop! Sure enough!

It was crazy when I was younger and aware! It scared me to death! I felt horrible about this life and myself! And here I have all the top looking women everywhere like me! I was and am intimidated by really hot looking women! Not to worry, they simply come to me! Freaks me out!

Im one of those guys that have had bus fulls of women like them! Iv been told by zillions of girls why! So, anyway!

Im older now, and when it comes to women that are younger! In they're early 20's! Im of no importance to many of them! I still attract my share of them! But really? At a certain point, your to old! Sorry every guy closer to 55 then 30! It happens!

It's a shame, Now that I can actually deal with people, Im to old to attract half the women I used to attract!
I can tell you this! Seriously! If I had banged half the women in my town, and I could have! How many babies would I have now! This is no joke! Women have children when women want them; it doesn't matter about your protection! If they want a baby! They seem to figure out how!

Ive had numerous guys go out with women that were interested in me! They are all fathers whether they like it or not! And many of the women, simply were really good looking and roped a retard in and got a baby out of it! They did this because the guy was gullible and easy to manipulate!

I wont forget this one guy; he was so up on himself because he got this hot chick! He thought he was roll'n! This girl liked me before him! But I could not respond in time because of dissociative disorder! And this has happened most of the time for about the last 8 years! Before this, I was not home mentally!

Anyway, all of these gents of children now! And I happily don't! Meaning, the girls that had the children dumped the guys within 6 months! So, there you are!

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At some point, your to old! If she is 24 and your 53! Its possible! It is! But actually, probably not going to happen! Possible! Anything is possible!

So, a women I saw at a restaurant freaked me out when I first saw her! She was so beautiful I almost dropped over! She was like my first love soulmate, she even walked like her, shook her hips like her, when she walked! It shocked me! I melted on the spot! I didn't know what to do!

When I looked this women in the eyes! She simply rolled them like I was a nobody loser! And thats when this started! Im sorry! I must learn that Im not entitled! And Im not! And that is part of the problem! I appreciate someone and expect them like me for it! Unfortunately, that is not going to happen!
Why am I so weak, that I would fall for someone completely untouchable! I don't know! Im simply weak right now in this area! Its PTSD and dissociative disorder weakness! The past is part of the problem!

I got tired of going into this restaurant and seeing her all the time! It's the only " all you can eat place in town"! I could see the contempt, every time I walked in and she would seat me! She was the hostess!
I hate being hated or looked at as a complete deject reject! But it happens! And it's happening every time I see that women! Eyes talk to each other! Im so sorry if I barged into her life! Even if it's only through her eyes and body language! I am lonely, and for a man that has all of these women liking him at one time! Its just made things more confusing and worse! Im not any less lonely! Im better, but kind of desperate! IVe not been able to get physically near women! So, Im just like a guy that has never attracted women; although I have!

Attracting women is not the same as walking up and talking to women with confidence! These are 2 different things!

The women at the restaurant has never appeared to be attracted to me in any shape or form! She as acted polite and fake, and seems; when I walk up to the front desk area she is working; she moves up close to the edge on her side of the front wooden panel to quickly take my money and scoot me out the door! its like a giant passive aggressive game between us! then one day I stopped going to the front of the desk area to pay! instead I had the waiter bring the check to me! I paid it, and simply bypassed her and left! And I did this almost all the time I was in eating at this establishment! One day when doing this, I glanced over to her! And I saw in her eyes something worse then hatred! It was fear, sadness and deep hatred pain! Like, why is this guy ######6 with me! That confused me, and I felt like a ######6 creep stalker! I could not win! One day I never saw her again! I went to the restaurant and she was gone!

Remember, Im 50 years old at the time and she is in her early 20's! Im assuming about 22 years old! Maybe less! She could have been in college! When I was triggered by her, I froze up and did not know what to do! When this started, I knew she was to young for me! So I ignored her; but it never worked! And this is my neediness! My weakness in the sense of! Im attracted to someone and a, cant help it? Is this a crime, no! But you cant expect anything from the other person!

Ive been Un attractive to women before! But not like this! This is a combination of! Im to old, I have no middle class money! Im a loser, a bum!

I cant fight against someone else's opinion of me! I mean nothing to this person! And I mean, nothing! They would like nothing better then to see one more idiot customer like me leave! Im just a number to them!

Yet, I talk to God about this person! And I pray for her! I forgive her, and pray she has everything I could ever want in my life! This is my way and style of praying for her! I don't know what else to do! I feel so rotten and horrible every time I leave that restaurant because she is in their! I never feel good around this person! I always feel like junk! Like Im less then garbage! And it really effects me and pisses me off! I feel like Im just one more old guy this girl has to deal with within the constraints of the day! She smiles, tries to be polite to the letches like me! Im sure theirs a number of us! And then Im moved on and kicked out the door! It doesn't work on me! In the sense, Im a person of respect! But Im afraid that does not work within the power of a beautiful women that has commanded from men what ever she wants! Women are either attracted to you or they are not! This one is not!

Problem; Im not waking up enough! Im 2 sided! Im not hating this person or liking them; Im indifferent! Im attracted to her in a kind of desperate way! Weak way!

In reality, I have nothing going on for this person, they don't need me! They see me as worthless or less then worthless! Of no means or attraction! Its 2 bad I got attracted to her!

I saw her today, looking in her eyes, she was a bit calmed down more then I remember, its been along time since ive been in this establishment! But she shuffled me out the door as fast as possible!

I feel like garbage around this person! Thats why Im shocked and mad! I don't like dealing with it!

=============================================================

Soulmate;

Every time Ive thought about a soulmate and started feeling it! In the past, I would end up going to the restaurant and this women would be working their! I hated it! It was a waist of my time!

Today was no exception! I was deeply thinking and feeling a soulmate! And I ended up at this restaurant and it shocked me that I would see this women again exactly when I was Thinking and feeling soulmate! My opinion is; Im not thinking right when thinking about a soulmate! Ive been through this before! I end up at this restaurant! And then shocked when I see this young women; like today! It caught me off guard! Nothing changed!

As I " come to"! Possibly, I will never visit that place again! Most people would not put up with this type of treatment! But I am because Im still asleep!

I have that type personality right now! Im a victim! And Im attracting people to good for me! And people that are to good, does not mean I really believe they are! Its that they believe they are! And I'm attracting this type of person! And Im getting crushed because of it!

All of this reminds me of my childhood and how I was treated or mistreated!


Soulmate;

My original soulmate! Something happened! The PTSD problem is part of it! Something else! She started acting pathological! Like she had no ethics or conscious! I did not want someone like my mother! It started to bother me! I could have put her in her place, but it scared me! I did not want someone like that! I did not talk to her, I just ran away from her and never came back! She was not my type! She was a spoiled rich girl! I wanted nothing to do with her! But I did at first! I was broken in 2 worlds! I don't like to talk about this part! It scares me and makes me ill!

Possibly, she was not the girl of my dreams! Only at first before I knew what she was really like! I was so disappointed! She was not the girl of my dreams! But she was at first, then she turned pathological as I got to know her more! She started acting competitive! I simply gave up and left! I went back to God! I never talked to her again! Accept now, she was stuck up! At any time I could have stepped in and put her in her place and taken her back! I didn't want her anymore! She had shown me to much disrespect! I did not understand! She was not respecting me or God!

Maybe she was not my soulmate! Maybe it was Satan who sent her! Maybe it wasn't God! I was ###$ no matter what direction I was going in! It's not that I didn't know God! I did! But something was always wrong with the people I was befriending! They were not the right people! They were stuck up rich kids! And it didn't work ever! None of them liked me or needed me, even the ones that were closer then a brother! They turned out not to be close at all!

So, Im not sure of anything anymore!

I don't like to write about the other possibilities of my soulmate! Others could rip me apart with this info! Not that Im so important! But Im not ready for ridicule! I don't know!

The more I think about it! No one cares anyway! It doesn't really matter, Im all alone! Ive been alone for most of my life! No one has cared! No one cared if they ever saw me again! So, how can these people be my friends! Something is wrong here! Badly off!



The Storm;

Im in the middle of the hurricane! Well, not in the middle, Ive crossed the middle! Im on the other side of the inside edge, just past the eye of the storm, of the hurricane! Its rough waters! Im going through it! Im looking forward to working through more forgiveness of my brother and my mother! They are the ones who have stolen all the money or kept it to themselves! They do not consider me family! I was dumped at age 10, and they couldn't care less if they ever see me again or what happens to me! They stole my land when I was mentally ill! I signed papers assuming they were trying to help me! They were not! They simply got my inheritance!

God has allowed me to know this was his plan that I come out from among them! He would give me all that I needed in this life! However, I have to forgive these people until they do not exist anymore in my memories! it is possible but hard! and it is happening for me now! and Im glad for this and for the ability to move forward! that is the plan that I have had and the one God has had for me from the beginning ! and I'm grateful for all of this! however, they must go! they were never family from the beginning! they are sociopath and psychopath! and i am not part of their family! I am alone and they couldn't care less ! This is what happens when you're a decent person! You are the enemy of the psychopath!

The child in me as to wake up slowly, and go with me and let go of the past! Im trying to get this child to wake up but he is not ready and I do not have enough established in the real world for him to come from his dreams into my life! Im slowly getting there! I must forgive these people that I can start a new life, then the little child within me will come fourth! But not yet! I have to forgive and have no past and no resentments! Nothing! They must go!

The time period of depravity that I experienced as a child! It is from the psychopaths! They did this! Their fore, nothing I experienced counts! All of the bullies I encountered! It all happened because of neglect! If I had real parents, it would not have happened!

I must get to the point that I can let go of the neighborhood I came from, and the friends I came from, and the people that I was forced to live with when young! They let go of me 40 years ago! It was no problem for them! They coward and murder;s and liars! And thieves! They are lawless scum!

I have God! I must remember this as I go through these difficult times! I am on the right track! This is what I was supposed to do with my life according to God! I was to get better! I must keep trusting God on these issues!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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