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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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and it moves on

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Nov 19, 2013 11:23 pm

And how I wish it would be over and the original me would come back to a point that I have no dissociative memories holding me in; flipping me inside out!

The anxiety of unfinished business is a difficult situation!

Im slowly getting better. The deeper angles of dissociative disorder log into a deeper emotional cabin in the woods! These thoughts and memories are tide to delicate times; times I felt safe, and safe when I got home! safe that I had a mother and father. The whole thing makes me so sick! it was all false! How could they! ######6 animals. They were not mother or father, they were jackals.. I had no safe house, or home or family, it was all false! it was the sick fun of antisocial psychos... These type of people aught not have the legal right to have children.

I felt so safe in that house! I felt so secure with my life! I had everything, a friend down the street, a school, a house, relatives, family, Christmas. I had a good middle class life. All on the outside looked OK! It was not the outside that was going to change! It was the inside. No doubt I could have seen it coming. No way! no way! no WaY! These people kept it secret, they were sadists.

I lost everything and everyone. No one in the neighborhood remembered me; Meaning, once I had to move out, that was it! I had no more friends in this neighborhood. It was over. This was the perfect work of a sociopathic sadist. She was not invited into my life in the beginning. She was a prisoner in a sense. She was expected to have a conscious when dealing with a family! When my father found out the kind of trash this person was, he got out, or got rid of her! Actually he left! He'd had enough!
I had no idea these people were ditching everything and everyone. I was pulled, yanked out of this family system never to return. And I never did, and the other members of this system made sure of it. Its all about control. However,, In the end, they did not win. I have been in recovery for 20 years. They would not understand this, they have no conscious.

It might be possible to regain some of what I lost. Possible to get part of my life back if I keep working at it. Im attempting to get back those parts I remember as being a part of. for example;

relationships
activities
I remember the school system and wanting to participate in school; this means the happy memories of participation of such things.
Christmass
Thanksgiving
Easter
having a home or place to live
marriage/family
skiing
vacations
mountain biking and telescopes
real friends and forgetting of the old ones that do not count!
Creating art, or art participation
church, if the right church; nothing like what Im involved in now..



Church;
I need to quit where Im at! ITs not working anymore. Im not quit ready, I have to prey about it!

Women; I can't tell, to many games. Im not into game players, Im getting ######6 sick of this. These women get with other women and talk! One women starts the trouble. She gets the ideas in there heads positive or negative about someone!

When a women has an interest in me, She does everything except give in. You have to give in and get in line or no go! It will never work! It will never work with a man. Men don't like games.. Get in line or get out! its that simple, or be replaced. Its as simple as that!

If I could deal with a decent person, I suppose things would be different! Im not sure. My dissociative disorder makes it impossible to trust anyone.

I am suppose to approach someone. Im not approaching someone that is arrogant. Im not getting involved. If they would just stop the masculine feline stuff and act like normal people, I might think about approaching them!

MEN DO NOT LIKE MASCULINE WOMEN! NO!

Men have real problems to deal with, they don't have time for women getting out of line with them, They've got others stuff on their minds..

I have no desire to sweep a women of her feet if she has a power base lined up against me for safety that I must cross in order to associate with her! Thats to much power! If she is looking for control, she will end up with a sociopath and nothing more! a real man will never approach her!

Why can't women understand why men do not approach them. I suppose its the same for men towards women..

Men do not like women competing with them! they want them inline, and they want no games. Men have other things more important to think about!

I do not believe in equal sexes! I believe in men being men and women being women! it is not equal, some things women are better at and more powerful and built for, something men are better at and more powerful and built for! Men seem to understand this. I do not find women the same. However,
Ive seen women play this submissive attractive role, and Ive seen how many children she has and how many men she goes through! and I see that last guy is not with her anymore, but she has a new child!

If a women cannot respect my pain; the pain deep inside that Im going through, I want her no where near me ever! I ######6 hate people like this!

I do not consider a women on my side unless she knows my story and my pain! she can not serve me if she does not know me! I will not serve her unless I know she is not deceptive and is trust worthy; I will have nothing to do with her if she turns on me! I cannot afford to be turned on! I have to keep watch on what is in front of me! I have to be able to trust her when she is behind my back..

In the animal kingdom, if a female turns on a male animal, meaning, attacks from the back, He will turn and immediately kill her! He will tear her to pieces. Men cannot afford to sleep with there enemies, she must prove her obedience if she is to be with someone! And the man must do the same!

I have to keep reading about approach. My problem is; Im not approaching correctly, Im getting scared of by PTSD and dissociative triggering problems. I feel like Im being taken advantage of when the women's defenses go up. Not interested in dating a bitch! who would! Im interested in knowing how to read the signs correctly!

More study!
I can ask people out. Im afraid Im reading the signal incorrectly!
I need a special kind of personal; one that understands... I cannot be with someone shallow!, I want no part of it. However, what does the women want! Im so afraid I do not have what she wants ( middle class money)! I don't have it!
---
Who to date;
Im afraid of the middle class women! Im on Social security; they may not understand. and its heartbreaking to be judged by people! Can I blame them; women need to be taken care of. I want a quality person and I have no money!

Possibly, I need to get a bit better!

I do not want to go out with a bitch! However, I want to go out with a nice girl, Im afraid a nice girl won't have me because of my economic status. I have been through some of this at an earlier age, earlier time! I was laughed at! I needed a new family system.. or to belong to a new family system.
---

Waking up!
Its unbelievably horrible to look back at what happened to me! Its beyond my imagination; to be led on by a false family system playing games! Its unbelievable! I had no idea! I thought the whole thing was real, and everyone in it real! they were all fakes, all sociopaths. Its all unimaginable. All that love I felt for these creatures... and none of them were real! they were all sycophants. It was truly a gruesome tale that few will live through. I have and am living through it. I have mind or brain damage from the traumas. However, I may get a life out of this deal. Its just that, this is one of the most horrible things I could have ever read about and it happened to me! Its unbelievable to go through. I prey some day, that Im back to normal with a new family, and we are looking back at our lives and I tell the story of all of what I went through! and I can look back and shutter at such things as something I will never have to come near ever again.

I am a decent person! and I hope to be around decent people once more! This time ( real decent) people, not the fake retards I was exposed to when young. Its truly a horrible tale. I would prey that others do not have to go through this like I did! I can think of nothing more horrible to put a child through, and most will kill themselves long before they ever grow enough to make it to a psych site like this...

Im looking forward to real people again, Christmas and Thanksgiving and skiing and stuff.

I have allot of work to do! I have the PTSD and dissociative stuff to work with while I am attempting interaction in the real world.

Im not a bad guy! I might sound like one! Im not! I need people who understand what is going on here! Im not interested in anyone else.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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