And her vision keeps getting closer; my wife!
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I see a Nun; poverty; maybe coming out of it... She is praying on the floor of a basement in an old cathedral... or Catholic Church or Episcopal church. I see her on her knees praying; just as I have prayed all the time on my knees and I need to do more of it... on and on...
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And I see her just like I see me; on my knees praying to God. And that is where I will find my wife...
What does it mean; I know what it means... that is where I will find her; no other place; for what ever that means...
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This last women I fell in love with... She was a similar version in some respects but not quit. For she did not want me; and thus she is disqualified. And God has moved me on; she is becoming a memory of a past life and I want to move on to a new life and I have and am.... She is becoming a past memory and nothing more... It did hurt and it made me sick; but it also made God sick to his stomach.... for it is pure evil. And God has moved me on; put is arm around me and pulled me forward away from this sick nonsense... and now Im in a new realm with new thoughts...
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So I see my wife in the basement of a cathedral praying on her knees; faithful.
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So., I am on my knees praying faithfully.... and this makes sense... Ill hold on to that vision and see where it takes me....
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This last women was a women who looked like my vision board pics and she was at a Christian aid center for a year where she had to go to church everyday and get to know God and she was in the recovery process; so she fit the description accept one thing; She did not accept me; nor want me; not that it matters anymore; nor do the details.
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God is moving me on to a new set of ideas and feeling and memories and thoughts.. Why its so hard to find a wife; I dont know.... to find someone authentic like I see myself; innocent and naive and authentic; real... dont know...
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Vulnerability is hard for me; horrible for me to get close to someone; horrible. Im praying for a support team of people to help me and for the right women to show up to connect to.... And that I become someone approachable. I dont know...
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My nervous system has been so ripped to pieces by people; by fake people pretending to like me when they did not; I dont believe or trust anymore; Im to afraid of being ruptured... I just dont get it.
So; I have to work with God and trust God that the right people will be brought to me. Im not sure why this is taking so long... It scares me... I dont get it.
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Im not exactly sure what to visualize anymore when it comes to women... I dont know... The last one didnt count... So; what was the point. I hardly knew the person; in fact; I didnt know them at all; they were a complete stranger. complete; most of what I saw and felt I kept inside myself to protect myself; I watched the person and her behavior until I got frightened and sick to my stomach.... and worse; horrified... This certainly could not be someone God was sending me. And God moved me along and now Im in a newer set of ideas and memories and thoughts...
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Its one nightmare after the other; nothing makes any sense but I keep holding on to God... thats what I have to learn to do and I have to learn to let go of what others think of me and not care; but I so want to fit in somewhere; anywhere... to something...