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- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
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Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
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And her vision keeps getting closer
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Breaking the dating barrier
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Back to the drawing board with women
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Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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An interest in the arts

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Jun 18, 2019 9:39 am

ITs coming back to me; the natural path of sensitivity. The path of art; musical drama, acting, theater, stage, drumming, music composition.
The problem I have; that sensitivity is for school as well; but that was destroyed; so; will that come back as well; we will see. I dont know.
Studying; will that come back; memorization; will that come back. we will see.
Im still trapped in my own world with dissociative disorder; so; Im not sure about things. I know a wall exists up in front of me. I know that.
Back to art and keeping things at the level of art in my blog; ITs the real me; the sensitive me; and it never had a chance to develop; but I got to watch it on TV. but not much else for most of my life. I felt comfortable watching movies when I was a kid; I related with the other kids in the movies; good movies; art movies. I felt good.
So; I saw what I wanted to be like from the movies. thats not what happened in real life for me; it could have been if I was around decent people; and this is not easy to bring up because it starts bringing up horror.
I can feel it; the dichotomy between what I wanted to happen and what did happen.
I would like my world to turn out the way I want it; not the way it actually turned out when young. What can I do about that; thats what I need to write about.
Art work is extremely isolating if I have no family to go with it; the way it could work; Im with loving family or feel connected and loved in the world; all is well in the world; then I do art; that way; Im alone at times experiencing art; and Im feeling the solitude; and still loved and connected. Its the love that I never had; and I have to write about wanting it in my life.
I equate love with sadism; people who abused me; I see bad people that hurt me when I think of love because thats all their were; their was no one else; the only person that loved me; looked like it would be my father; but that was fake; he was a sociopath; it was convenient situation for him to relive his childhood and he did it off of someone else money; he had his fun and that was all; then split and never looked back; leaving me abandon. So; that is not a person that ever loved me; that is fake; that is a person that used me; exploited me is a better term. So; knowing that; now what do I do. In the past; I would watch movies to escape. I would live in movies and tv shows; no one cared about me; its that simple. nothing. later I would find out why? had nothing to do with me. nothing; the biggest problem I had was escape. I tried many different things at the time; but it was from a childs point of view and did not matter; I could not escape the adults; the only escape would have been economic; and that was way over my head; all of it. IT still is.
Back to art; Im seeing that I was keep my art interests alive when young; kind of. In fact; it was all I had. I had little else; school did not exist for me because no one cared; I was truly alone.
So; I have allot to work thought; and to accept myself for who I really am; the art person of sensitivity. thats who I am; that person was almost killed in this life for being sensitive; I cant explain it any other way because the environment would not allow me to be myself; nothing. I was a throw away and it was never safe being myself.
Im not sure it much different out their.
One nice thing would be; decide that I like art and get into it; and start doing it; I was mad before because I didnt understand how to make money; I still dont.
I would rather be an artist; and see what happens. Im scared; its a lonely venture being myself. So; we will see.
And i think that talking about being an artist is part of this problem; actually being one. It scares me; yet; Ive been scared out of being myself. accepting the money problems or financial problems and that Im on my own and its OK; I mean; I thought I was always suppose to be rich and anything less was worthless; but thats from someone else; someone elses attitude; not mine; Im not cutting being rich; this is more about the development of my personality.
Im an artist; it takes a kind of guts to do this; be myself; and Im scared to death to take chances as an art person or make art; its scares me; but if thats what I like to do; the I do it and let God figure out how I make money at it; and be an artist and take on the responsibility to come up with the rent every month but stay an artist; be myself; not change lanes. do what I naturally like.
The idea here is; what makes me feel good and go in that direction; so; this is a hard thing; all of this; it will take time all of this. to figure out; This identity as artist has to be or must be built; got stronger. This is a topic onto itself.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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