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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Alter of responding

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jan 26, 2012 4:55 am

Im doing better then I have ever been from a dissociative perspective. My middle life is mangled and asleep. Im learning so much about what really went on. SO much discomfort and pain. Im learning about myself. Im not happy about all of this. Not happy about what has happened to me. I would have never done all of this to myself..

Ive had several social encounters today. At least 5 I think that I was present for. Meaning, I was aware that I was trying to interact, it wasn't a passive situation. I was analyzing the situations to see how I could improve, not be a passive person.


I have a protector alter that runs my life. ALl this alter does is protect, Run , hide from place to place and secretly drop or put something from her hand onto the ground or safe place, look around and start running again to hide. She has ran this system all of my life. She is the co founder of the system.
Im starting to see that I see everything through her eyes, not mine. I do everything she does, I run when she runs, I hide when she hides. She is a strong strong rock hard little alter.

Ive noticed lately socially that the person that responds is not present. I don't know who this is. I don't know the part of me that responds, this part of me is trapped in complete dissociation. When Im talking to someone its an alter that runs everything, The person that is to respond to the person Im talking to is nowhere to be found. I found this out tonight, Im scared and not responding. Im not able to understand the world around me with the child protector alter in charge. She/he has protected me all of my life. Tried as hard as possible from the beginning. Im starting to see her from the first grade when I was 6. She has been around from the beginning protecting me.. I just had a massive flash back. I am 4 or 5 playing at marry drakes play school. This is sacred ground that is kept safe. I believe the protector alters keep my memories safe that I may not get ruined incase I see more trauma. Well, I just saw more memories of sacred times.. This is coming out of the abyss of anxiety.

Who have I become, who have I been. I am shaped like fragmented clay.
Now Im looking for the me. The me that responds. Responds to something else then PTSD images. Im dissociate, Im wondering where I am, where is the person that responds to people. Its very frustrating. Its possible person is cut-up and weak. To weak to come out or be part of the present system.. I understand that. I need to be free to respond.

This person , the responder personality is gone. Buried I assume. I remember this person, He is no more, unless he can be unleashed. I don't know. Its strange, Like Ive been cut off from myself. Im only half. The other half is somewhere else... Or Im two of myself.
I think their are two of me, two of m's. Part of me is present as me, and the other part is the responder me and he is not present. I need him. I need him to be present that I am not passive. iTs very frustrating...

I had several people say hello to me tonight, I could not respond emotionally, because this response required the responder personality. All I can do is watch like a 4 year old in fear and trauma.

Im not sure of the way out on this.. I will have to study, ask the therapist... How did all this happen.! Things are not what they seem, or appear to be. What happened to me.... I am not my protector memories. I am a whole hidden group of memories I have never seen.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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