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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
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All the pain; I turn to God

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Apr 02, 2021 10:34 pm

Working with the slow changed from changing the narrative of my first love within my imagination in first person POV... This is having affects on me continuously; What happens in my imagination happens in real life; What does that mean? it means; if I could not get close to a women in real life; I go into freeze mode and start screaming inside; When I attempt to get close to a women in my imagination; the same thing happens... I scream with massive pain as I practice trying to get close to my fist love within my imagination; First person point of view... So; the more I can slow work on getting close to my first love; slowly its affecting my ability to take chances in the outside world. What I create in my imagination shows up in the outside world.. I key is; I have to keep at it; I hard dissociate when I practice in my imagination; doing something thousands of times or 10's of thousands of times in my imagination slowly undoing the trauma bond created by the horrors of the outside world and this mother and father and other assorted goons; I slowly unravel whats had me bound. This work comes first to un lock me to the outside world.. If it can be done in my imagination; to be unlocked; I will be unlocked in the outside world.
Whats interesting; its exact; within my imagination; Im affected within my imagination as if im in the outside world. If I imagine getting close to someone in my imagination in first person POV; Im affected just as if Im dealing with someone in the outside world; thus; I can practice in my imagination to unlock this unfortunate nightmare thus unlocking my abilities around others in the real world; so I can feel safe; So I dont go under into a child state and into freeze mode.. I automatically go back to where I was being abused when Im triggered. The work is in my imagination to unlock the freeze mode created through dissociative Disorder; Or through trauma and PTSD. thus creating dissociative disorder... Im damaged...
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Its hard being damaged; Its hard to be around people; because Im not around the best people all the time concerning this condition.. Because Im not around people like myself completely Im forced to deal with the outside world; and this has its pluses...
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No matter what I write; when it comes to relationship with things interaction and people; its always about; CPTSD/Dissociative Disorder/AVPD/Agoraphobia; And all of this causes panic negativity low self worth low self esteem; Paranoia of the outside world; that kind of thing; and Depression; a milder ongoing form of it.. and massive lack of connection ability; However, when I do connect; its a sickening feeling of fear and triggering of sexual abuse and other abusers and horror memories and flashbacks and feeling triggered of being controlled in a box I could not get out of...
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So; the fear is real; and all of this stops me from interacting and following through. No matter what I write; it always comes down to the PTSD... the triggering and wanting to find a cave to go hide in. I am healing tho... So....
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I saw the girl that originally liked me from 1 1/2 years ago. Saw her 2 weeks ago? I forget her arrogance toward me. Now I remember; its been almost 4 months; Once hearing these idiots think Im a weakling because I dont respond or get near them; I observe and stay to myself; I know go near them....
This girl decided to break Gods calling for her to be near me. I say near; because thats as far as Im going to discuss it; once broken; when she started courting a man in front of me with no remorse; she broke the heart of the child within me; ran right over the top of him; Pure evil. The child in me looked up to God; with out stretched arms and asked God; " Do you hate me God; is that why you allowed your daughter to do this to me? You sent her to love me; she is destroying me by way of deception? Does this mean you want to destroy me God?:" And this coming from the innocent part of me; the child part; the inner child Who only sees God. God who cannot look me in the face; now must answer to me; because God is an ethical God who goes by rules and laws at which to live. Now; God has been angered; The whole of the universe is angered; not by me... For I have turned to God; and I have been slain and ran to God. For I did not know I would take a stake through my heart by the same person that showed innocence to God that she wanted a companion sent by God; instead; she hustled God; lied to him; deceived God. This is a very dangerous thing to do... It is not good to hustle God; it is a very dangerous transaction≥. At that point; the broken child in me; wobbles or tries to stumble forward weakly to God for help. For the child in me is innocent and innocently thought she came from the light; for she shined of such interest in that inner child; but it was a lie from the evil one down below. The child in me was fooled and fooled easily; but only because the child in me believed God; for it was God that told him she was his soulmate or best friend. In the end; she is a deceiver; and a friend of no one; she is corrupt. Thus; I must let go and stay with God as the child in me is crippled.
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The child in me believed her false light not because of any words of her; but because of God; God told my inner child that she was from God and came from God and God match make'd and brought her .
Or did he? Ive noticed when Im lying to myself; I feel squirrelly. God did not send this person; I can see the black disconnect with in me. IT is empty and with no connection; nothing; meaning; their was nothing to connect to from God.
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Their was a sexy beautiful young women to try to connect to; but she was not sent by God so; I lied; I lied to have her; I fooled myself that she came from God; I blatantly lied about her to myself and others; I was dishonest about her. I was looking for stardom... If I dated her; I would be looked at as a super star; a man of importance because she is hot.
So; Im the one that is evil; I betrayed her; and then set her up. So; I have to get on my knees to get out of this. I claimed she was my soulmate sent from God; I was dreaming; I wanted her to be sent by God but she wasn't. God does not know her... And that makes me fal·li·ble and less then and mad. and Ill be on my knees about this one as well... God did not set her up with me. What was I thinking. I have to stay away from these people.
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I think Im lazy; whats happened is; I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and she crossed directions with me; she was heading towed a destination waiting for someone; Not me. And I was just sitting their one winter and summer; couldnt function; and I was expecting a soulmate. This person showed up; I assumed she was my soulmate; I was wrong; God doesn't know her. What does that mean bout my ability to pick soulmates... This is crazy,.. Ill have to go back to God. Ive been narcissistic to think the world revolves around me. I just wanted so badly for her to be my soulmate so I could finally have someone to love. But; I found out the hard way and thus a message from God; I cant jump the gun; God never sent this person to me; she is a stranger completely.
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I do not mean anything to her nor does the small child in me; My inner Child doesn't connect with her inner child; it does not connect with anything about this women; only outside appearance.
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Its as if I went into the devils play ground and played with the other devil children until they thought I was one of them. What happened; I thought they were one of me; a more middle class person. Im in the wrong place playing with the wrong people. and not realizing the consequences.
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So; I have to keep getting honest; all of it will get through.
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So; I have to get on my knees concerting this girl; praying to god; Thank you God; over n over n over; which I am until this think with this girl is straitened out; something is not honest here; its been twisted like a pretzel. right is wrong and wrong is right; Its all mixed up.
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In the end if I show God enough concern about the matter; God will straiten it out... And Ill be aligned with God and feel oK and OK about letting this women go. Altho she is only trapped in my thoughts.... She has a grip on me a hold on me and I wanted to stopped because nothing exists between us; nothing is real here... Im being trapped by my own day dreaming about the person. Ive day dreamed myself into a relationship with a day dream and I have to come out of this dream.
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The real person this represents does not exist.
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I have to stop putting my focus on this girl at the meetings; I hardly know her have never talked to her.... Its like stalking someone. I actually dont look at her; I never did simply because she got my attention so much; but I meant nothing to her... She replaced me within minutes... she was only interested in someone that had money and gave her attention. I had neither... So; I was day dreaming..
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So; The real person this represents does not exist; and thus; now; Im getting closer to the truth about this situation; No real person exists; its all in my head... and its in my head Im having a problem with...
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On another not;
I couldnt project my brothers when I was young; I was the youngest and I loved my brothers and want to protect them and my home and I couldnt protect them. and that has causes dissociation and I have to work that out with God... So; Im angry at God over this...and my home.
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The girl from the meetings has to be worked out; Theirs nothing their; I got screwed over; screwed over from the beginning because she was not what my ego wanted her to be; she played up into my ego as if something was their; when nothing was their; she kept playing it and playing it and playing it until I believed it; and thats when she got me; it was full of hatred and contempt; thats all that was... She was hating on me as a loser and playing me as a loser and thats all that was and fell hard for her... its all ego stuff... its all ego... I fell for it. I didn't want to; I did... it made me feel like a King. I was being played and I didnt mind; I liked the fantasy until another man showed up; and then I was dethroned and pushed to the curb; back to reality; and thats where Im having a problem... So; I have to work with God on it; because I was humbled. So; I was around my enemies and I didnt respect them. I hated them and that clouded my mind. I hated them and have nothing but hatred for them and contempt and that clouded my mind...
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Dont do anything at one of these meetings; dont talk to anyone thinking they will give me a relationship; dont expect anything from anyone; and dont hold a seat thinking it will be held when I get back. These are a bunch of worthless 2 faced liars and nothing more; expect nothing from them; they look or weaklings like me that thing ive got it going on and they can rule me like Im a punk and they will continue to try. They will use me and use my ego. they will push me right up to the edge so I will use my emotions and they will see my weaknesses... They see them anyway. the problem is being stupid enough to think they are stupid enough to be weak like this in front of me. they are putting out false week signals; thats all it is... its all fake; a front and I fell for it; especially with this girl. I was caught pure arrogant ego; Thought I had a chance with someone when I had no chance with anyone; it was all fake.
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As I mentioned before; God did not sanction that Girl to be with me; its all fake news... nobody sanctioned that girl to be with me God...
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I could not protect that girl. I wasnt man enough. In reality I was; but she never saw it and I was going to make sure she never saw it and watch her.. and I did. And she proved me right; took advantage of me as fast as possible.
She created a false front making it looked like I was the preferred male; played it perfectly as if I had that specific kind of power over her that only a chosen male has the privilege to have; so she was using privilege against me. And I saw it; and it saddened me... And that is the problem.
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Im going after women that use things against me; that is the problem and what has to be looked at. my heart was broken by this women in the meetings because I allowed her to use me. Why did I allow it; because I was going home to nothing; I had nothing and I was disparate for love.. And did not know where to Get love or how to get love; I had no idea. nothing; I was not connected into anything; nothing.
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Im still not connected into anything to get love; I dont know where to go or can see anyone interested in being around me; meaning culture; I dont see any culture interested in me; nothing.
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I got caught in hypergamy monkey branching by this women in the meetings. Why not; I didnt love myself and didnt have any love anyway; at least it was some kind of attention toward me; anything was better then just my memories.
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And at some point I got led along but then suddenly dropped over the water fall; I never saw it coming I was asleep. I was betrayed and made a fool of and never saw it coming. I thought I was being loved and taken care of or at least being treated and a decent human being; and that was my down fall; nothing can be trusted in those rooms with anyone. Nothing. I have no clout in those rooms; I just thought I could come n go as I pleased. Not so. And I dont like that part of all this...
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Ego is the biggest problem. I think Im a big shot and I can roam around as if Im the chosen one.. And in reality; non of those people have chosen me for anything; I thought it was safe to roam around in a hornets nest. and it might be at places; but even in those places; it is not. and never will be; and they can read me like a book if I get out of line; especially the women; they can read any kind of privilege self ego on my part getting out of line; if I think Ive not privilege with the ladies; they sense it and use it against me in lightening speed. So; going their is a mistake and of course this hurts; it leaves me feeling horrible about myself. But I turn to God... over n over n over and stay with God and I must remember this if Im going to be around people... any people.. they are carnivorous; the human being is a predator; thats what they are... I must remember; they devour what they think is weak and eat it; just like killing a spider; they kill human being just as fast. No difference.
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Corrupt; a new name to displace the old names of: Whore,Hustler, Player, Narcissist,Evil, Cheater; 2 Faced; Adulterer. A new type of human being is emerging in society; The Corrupt; The Corrupted. What does this look like. iTs a stronger form of the 2 faced cheater, Hustler. These are people verging on criminal intent every time someone interacts with them. Im talking about a whole generation of people; not prison people. Im talking about a whole new generation of people.
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Men and women;
A number of the women Ive dealt with are cheaters. A number of men who talk to me openly and honestly; they've cheated on their wives putting their wives in their place.. And they are very open and express and smiling all the time; Im like; ( WOW) (What!). I mean; they come up to me to talk; or I talk to them; they dont seem to think anything is wrong... I guess cheating is OK. Not to me.
Cheating can be done in many forms. I remember as a child; a friend that spent more time with another friend than me. I felt used and cheated. Im lying; I know it happened; but I cant exactly remember the details or what ever... I just know its happened to me... I can feel it.
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Almost all of the women Ive dealt with where going to be hypergamous; always looking to monkey branch to someone better. In the past I remember these type of people; Absolutely nothing from the heart. no heart connection; nothing; A new breed of people is emerging; They know right from wrong but it does not interest them or excite them. They continue to live corrupted; lie cheat on relationships; its more important how they look to others to fit in for status. They are un marriage able; only with other pathological types do they get married... Certainly not normal people. These people are .
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The girl who liked me from last year; in my thinking; its probable that she has a boyfriend and has had one for the entire year but I dont want to look at that or accept it.
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Its possible that she never liked me the way I thought she did. Its possible I was just one more person with a group of many... I mean; I never talked to her and never asked her out. I only talked to her twice; that was it in a 1 1/2 years. Later after dating someone else; she did try to make me look like a fool in those recovery rooms; saying someone to me a few times; trying to shame Me in front of others as if I was a weakling; that gives a much better example of what she thought of me.. in reality; it could be all in my head; not that she liked me; but for how long. It may have been receding from the beginning... As I was questioning and looking her direction; she was looking at others moving in that direction the whole time.
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Anyway;
My number 1 goal is to; create a new narrative of the first girl I loved within my imagination... with a positive ending.
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I have this tendency to not ask anyone out even tho they show signs of being interested. Thats what happened with the first girl I loved... I never went out with her; do to the trauma from the psychopaths and what it did to me; still affects me today; the horrible trauma bond... sickening...
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trauma that leaves you helpless and unable to do anything or even care; a nervous system in shock to the point of learned helplessness.. Cant move...
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Im changing; Things are changing..
My brother who died is in me; is soul and he is showing me all the things he went through and who he really is and was. and im learning a great deal; he was just like me but was before me; However, he was subdued by my parents; the trauma shut Im right down; so when I was born and could actually remember his; I was about 4 years old; he would have been 8 years old and completely shut down and cut down. He was this way all of his life. He never got a chance ever and then a horrible horrible death... I feel partly guilty for because I did not let him stay at my house that night; I shut him out. and he left and I called him about a month later and talked with him; 3 weeks later he was in the hospital and 3 weeks later dead... found in a field.
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So; Im learning about executive functions.. Im seeing now all the ways I could have helped my brother when he was a kid and I was a kid; all the places we could have gone together and done things; things that were bright and cheery.. And its making me want too go do those things for myself now. These things were ripped out of my be trauma bond from the psychopaths; in fact it took the jolt of my brother dyeing for me to have a reason to look into life like this. With no parents helping and the pressure of neglect; I did nothing.. I had planned on many things but never got started; my house was pulled out from underneath me. I sat and watched television and dreamed and then it was over for me.. I now realize; a case manager had to show up for my brother when he was young... He was subdued by to much trauma. He was withdrawn with low low self esteem and self worth concerting being within the outside world.
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So; Where would I have taken him when I was young; Thats forcing me to think about where I would take myself right now to experience a higher level life as I wanted too when young. My brothers soul presence is doing this for me or to me; making me wake up to this and ask these questions; how to be a better human being and what would I have been doing with these human beings... So; my life is changing rapidly...
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Im working with my imagination on what I want to be or how I want to act or where I want to be; what kind of person do I want to be; Im doing this to break the trauma bond that keeps me life less. Ive been having a better attitude about music lately. We will see...
 
Music; we will see.
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The work Im doing with my past first love within my imagination is having an effect on me; its creating a giving presence within me. When I knew her; I clammed up and never talked to her anymore; I got angry. I know why; had nothing to do with her. I wanted my power back; so; ive been instructed by God to recreate the situation in my subconscious and turn that relationship around to something healthy... and I am... Im still at it; will be at it for along while and Im getting back the power that my imagination belongs to me and no one else. I was scared out of using it by the psychopaths...
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So music and women are taking a turn for the better; a little bit.. I mean; my trauma bonded mind is just now trying to figure out to wake up to the better things in life and be apart of it; when the universe teaches me the right plans to do these things... But its hard to think where Ive been brain dead; where I could not go because of trauma; I would be to freaked out within myself; to hard to trust the outside world to go into those places with out that feeling of safety in the outside world.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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