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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Age doesn't matter; PTSD does

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm

The key to success is hunger....... TO be hungry for something. Hunger without enthusiasm is slavery; so; Im not talking about slavery; In the Bible it suggests to let a man alone who is drunk who is in sorrow from losses greater then a man to bare. let him be; let him alone; let him drink and be dissociated from reality; for he has no heart to be part of the world; he is not interested anymore in anything...
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And; This is not me!
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Im now interested in things and living again; but concerning what Ive been through; I still see the faces of the past. Im not cured; Im in the middle of things. If I want a life; I must define it and work toward it the best I can.
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Am I saying this correctly? I have to be done with the past and able to move on. That does not mean I dont see it; the door is open to it but my energy has new directions of interest with enthusiasm; and thats what Im working toward.
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I am done with the past and Im ; broke; so Im not able to move on; and that is actually a part of my victimhood and my past; My heart was disabled financially; Its associated with those abusers that could take advantage of me anytime they thought to. Money is associated with abuse; and fear and rage and hatred and anger and sexual abuse are associated with money; the hatred of such things; all of it; They stole my money; they didn't need to; took it and never payed me ever; they kept it like I was a slave... So; money is associated with adolescent time period of being destroyed, raped, preyed upon, used; humiliated; like being in an oven with it on... no way to escape ever.... Like being burned to death...
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and Im now squirming because of it and hurting really really bad and insecure. What they did to me ruined my financial abilities along with my relationship abilities; Im not giving up; but all that pain and sorrow and loss and the financial inabilities brings the past right back; all of it; it takes me to my house as a child where I was thrown away and where I had all that hope and dreams; and I was ruined. So; At that juncture point; where I would escape; I was thrown away before I could hang on and escape or prepare for it; and now Im relearning how to get back into some kind of mode to function again in the world and Im not sure who or what I am or what Im striving toward. Ill keep at it tho.
My age doesn't matter concerning my direction; the PTSD that is stopping my thinking does. Im not sure what direction to take. I live in a box in my head; I spend all day in front of a computer screen hiding; Im not in the real world doing anything or going after anything or creating my own world; I do it in my apartment. But Im not getting anywhere. I do spend time at 12 step meetings; an essential part of my recovery; but my life now is about more than recovery; I want it to go somewhere. So; I have to find myself out with other people and interacting with others and meeting others; Im scared to death I wont fit in with anyone.
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Im a high quality person and I want to bash myself in and say negative things about me; its my mothers voice bashing in the high quality person.
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I have high quality capabilities but I want to destroy myself instead of participate in activities that would build those qualities; my mother is still running me from inside my head but its lessoning or Im waking up more to it, Even as Im writing about it; my mind switches to the flashbacks and critical voice of my mother....
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And when the flashbacks hit; they attack; Im believing Im back home; Im 8 years old; my mind is taken over; I don't see where Im at now or where I want to be; its all taken over or Im crushed under critical voice if I try to move forward.
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Anger; hate and rage attack me when I try to see myself doing a profession; Im ripped too pieces with ridicule as if I can't amount to anything. I haven't the first clue on what that feels like to be at a better level then this; so much resentment hostility and rage associated with it; having my life ripped to pieces when young and then stolen and thrown away.
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What Im most afraid of is ridicule from others who don't understand me.
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How do I proceed. I have to know where Im from and where Im landing. Once I land; what am I going to do; what's my agenda; what's on my mind.
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I feel like Im in a world of enemies.
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Things I want to solve; money problems; career problems; and women problems.
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The biggest problem with women is; who?; and it won't be solved until Im out n about around better people in the world. And allow the universe to come through. How can this be done; money! If I know where I want to go; the universe can help me.
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I don't do well around other people because other people seem to have normal economic lives; Im not sure what the rout is; I know I want one.
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Im not going to be around an Asian soulmate unless I go outward and find her or have her come to me but it won't happen sitting in an apartment. And Im looking for an answer to this. And Ive got part of the equation; stop being scared to go outside and live around people. Im afraid economically. Im a nice person who will be crucified; thats what Im afraid of.
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I can't say this any better; I will not be around an Asian soulmate unless Im actually out their in the world around someone...
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Meeting the right people means; meeting people; I don't even have enough money for a date. But who cares; and thats the problem; I seem to care too much about looking good instead of interacting.
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Im insecure when it comes to women; my emotions; hooking up with the right women; Im sensitive and don't want to be destroyed. So; being with the right person is essential.
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She must be an intellectual.
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In reality; I dont have the economics for this; So; I have to talk to the universe about this.
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Work or career; never had one; Im just now learning how to go from where Im at to where I want to be; I dont know where I want to be; I have to find out; I dont trust anything in the outer world; if I had money; all of this would be much easier.
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Ive had no life; Ive had a life of sitting behind a computer screen and watching other people live their lives while I do things in my apartment; and that is as fare as Ive ever gotten in life. Im not thrilled about going out there..
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Im not interested in suicide; I was suicidal for 40 years; Im not interested; Ive done allot of work; its still open to me I still get suicidal from the CPTSD and Dissociative disorder; However, its better or my energy wants to build other lanes into other directions. Im better; my energy does not want to go in directions of suicide because it doesn't have to. I dont have to go that direction; but then; when I look in another direction; Im stopped.
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Work has to be done on paper and in my imagination.
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Im now able to interact much better with people; I can tell a girl I love her or hug her or be nice to her; Ive relearned; Ive learned to take chances with different women; not always successful; many women shun me off as a fool or idiot; of course I was using them to practice social skills; they did not know this; it hurts; their reaction; but it gained me more experiences and thats what counts.
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Who? Who am I suppose to be around; that is what I have to find out.
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Loosing weight; 20 pounds; first thing. Keeping the weight off; My God; May God help me with a store front full of sugar. We will see.
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I have to belong to places where I can talk and feel safe doing so. Im an intelligent person but am Not doing anything.
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When I go to sit down with someone; I want to feel enriched; as if I have an enriched life in a direction.
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Ive got some small ideas; But we will see.. I dont know. How can I be myself and be respected; who am I; what do I tell people. I dont want to talk to the middle class; I have to remember; im trying to work through them to get to the people Im interested in.
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Something is missing and Im not sure what it is; A gap of dissociation exists between me and where I want to go. Something is stopping me. Possibly because Im poor and dont like it? maybe; maybe its direction; I see things in my head as an 8 year old; and this is not helping me.
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I can't protect myself because I can't defend myself because of the laws
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Ive got to work with the universe on where Im going; it's hard. Im seeing my childhood home and then Im seeing myself here now.
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Im seeing myself at false friends houses when young and they were false so I aught not be thinking about them anymore; but the child in me keeps bringing them up. Maybe its not the child in me its the part of me that wants me dead; I dont know; critical voice I guess. Talk is cheep when it comes to getting the job done. Ive learned this the hard way. I just wanted security and had none; My life was pulled out from underneath me and I was forgotten. Gotten thrown away with.... But I can see me getting myself back... the things I remember that I loved; they could Come back; but I could not protect myself and my way of life and I hated myself for this; felt rotten inside that I could not protect myself from bullies.
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I want to get violent when I think about bullies and the outside world and what was taken from me.
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Am I determined to get my new life or not... It scares me; all of this...
I need a plan; Ive been working a plan lately; socially for practice. Ive headed out a bit. not much. Im walking my behavior around others. flashbacks and PTSD are horrible. When ever I see myself in the future; I see the past; the most horrible part of it starring me down my throat and I go into freeze mode and I see nothing of my future. I can't seem to see my future; But I know I can work on it. What do I want.
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So; I have to keep at it.
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Ive ran into bad people and I must let them go.
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Ill keep working at it; one step at a time.
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Im not used to being around the right people.
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I have to work with the universe on my direction. Im getting better but I dont know what that means.
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Football;
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I was playing football yesterday with a friend behind a church; we were throwing the ball. I looked at the adjoining park next door and all the rich houses; or middle class houses; and I thought; Im not going to kill myself and Im not connected to those houses or that way of life; middle class way of life; I want to be; maybe I should define it. After dealing with so many treacherous middle class arrogant people; and the way I was thrown away and treated; I do not trust any of them; nothing; or that way of life or those people; Being mega rich would work. Seeing myself at a
ski chalet would work. But Im not going after any of it; I gave up because I was not loved by anyone and had no love coming into me from nowhere. nothing; No-one; And I thought; I dont want anything to do with this world. But Im not going to kill myself; so! and I thought; I would like to fit in with nice people that have money; but I have no money!
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I dont feel safe without any money.
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I have car.. And I dont have enough money for one; to maintain it; and I dont have any direction that really interests me in the outside world and that is part of the problems.
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I have no real friends out there. Nothing. Im not sure where or what God is doing here. I dont know. I have to work with God to understand what is happening here.
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I dont trust anyone or anything; not anymore......
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I know what I dont have; I know what I want; Ill have to ask God for it I guess. I dont know.
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I want a certain kind of life style.
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I want to meet women and I want money.....
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My life has been ruined; I dont want it to continue; Im tired of it.. really tired of it but not tired enough and that may be the issue here; I have to get to a point that I let go of the past and get hungry about the future; its as simple as that. And Im getting their but with CPTSD; its slow. Get hungry about what I want.
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I dont like it slow. Im frustrated but getting somewhere.
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The first thing I have to do is loose weight.
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What I create has to be created in the mind first; the pathways must open in the mind first.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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