April 2024
March 2024
Ill talk a bit about activities; so; ive been working on this for years...
Last year I broke through concerning art... I was able to create 10 pictures and take them into a group and put them up on chairs as if it was an art gallery opening... And that was the universe who told me that. I was able to break through.... It took several years after working on the subject...
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Relational; So; Im starting to remember when I was young and the social development I thought I would be a part of; and I was naturally heading in that direction. But that did not happen. I was pulled out of my life; the rug was pulled out from underneath me at 9 years old. Horrible. I became completely dissociated from reality;; PTSD and in freeze mode; shock mode permanently; I lost my childhood home and all things that goes with it and friends and everything. anyway; I lost all things...
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The goal is to remember who I was a child and what I wanted to do; how I was going to develop. And so; the goal is to get that social back.
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When I was pulled out of my life; I lost all friends. and I had already lost all family members; no more mother and father... Everything was destroyed; but all social interactions; friends.... I lost them all; but they also betrayed me... And so I internalized it.. as if I was a worthless person; so Im trying to get over that and come back to being valuable; but its very hard.
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So; lots of water ways to build bridges over the top. Just like for activities; its hard; Ill have to trust God to get started with the right situations or people. God knows the right directions and Ive got allot of work here... But its happened with activities... So; it will be similar for development in relationships.. But Im just getting started. And a gap resides between me and my past and the present...
So; its much like the activities situation... In fact; its the same in many ways; and Im dissociating while even talking about it or writing about it.. Ill work with God on it.. Its very hard; but Ive been here before; I have learned helplessness and other wounds... So; Ill start on it; and I feel its time; maybe just a few steps before; Im slowly catching up...
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The key is to remember who I am who I was and be up to speed with it... Im getting their but Ive been damaged... The point is; Im starting. and I have allot of damage to work through... Its pTSD.. long term.
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So; Its possible; I start by talking to God...
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Talk to God about it...
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My mind is taken through allot of different time periods; those I was living in and pulled out of to something new; and it created trauma and dramatic shock and freeze mode and learned helplessness. So; I have allot to work through.
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I will continue to work with the memories of my first love...
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IVe worked through a lot of things concerning my first love... God has let me know; their was no first love; nothing.. literally nothing accept an idea in my head. The actual person I visited was way to mentally ill for me to associate with.. I was never suppose to be their. I wasnt even suppose to get the ride that would take me to her house... I was not suppose to be their.. I was not suppose to ever go that way; ever leave the driveway of the house I was living in at the time; meaning; she didnt exist. and she didnt until I actually went to her house; but I was never suppose to do that. it was all red flags and detour signs but I never listened to it.
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Im also seeing my mother when she had already abandon me but I had to go live with her anyway because of legalities but I was not wanted.. So; I feel the horrible pain of that everyday; and the insecurity of not ever being wanted... No development and Im dissociating badly as I write about it; so; Ill have to write about it; its a trigger so its something to work through. Lots of hate and horror and things to work through...
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I still have continue to work through the new narrative with my past true love.. Even tho; the reality is; their was no real true love; it was in my head... or in my heart but not in reality... And that is hard to work through and talk about; but Im getting it.
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So; I can feel the separations within my emotions from the different traumas of different places; I would like to work through those things and come back to my original self when where I grow up... to come back to where I came from... So; Ill work on it and my goals...
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