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accepting the end of the past; a brother

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Mar 24, 2020 4:41 pm

I have one brother from my past Im working through denial concerning. He ran me over emotionally when young; he is a criminal sociopath. So; I was manipulated and used as supply to be taken advantage of. and it worked; I was used as supply; I took a subordinate position because I had no one else after being thrown away as a child. I was completely alone and in traumatic shock at which I will stay and get worse with time until Im completely dissociative and not present anymore.
I did not know what a criminal was; and did not know he was a sociopath and been one long before I discovered it. And I was being used the whole time. I did not know; I should have been scared and alert and on guard but did not understand. I did not understand the red flags and he was my only brother left. The only family member I could be close with as a family; I clung on to him.
When I look back I see a brother; in reality; after he turned into a sociopath; their was no brother; their may never have ever been a brother; but instead a stranger playing a covert narcissistic roll. I had no idea who this was. Or I was in a state of confusion and denial about what was really going on and in all innocence continued to see him as a brother...
Im having a hard time letting him go; Im grieving as if he is my older brother; but in reality; this is my view from television; I wanted him to play the role I saw on television show; and thats how I choose to see him and could never let go of this dream; if I had to let go of this dream I was broken hearted and broken hearted again. I wanted control so I could survive.
So; my mother died; a psychopath; I was left nothing in the will; However, other things were left to me from another relative... My brother the criminal scooped it up; pushed it under the rug and theirs no proof of it or mention of it... I lost what was left to me from another relative; Id have to go to court to get it. My mother tried to get these things from me while still alive out of hatred; She was also a criminal.... same level.
The point is; this brother is a sadistic sociopathic criminal and nothing more; their is no brother here; this is a criminal that is covert and stealing from other including me; or swindle others out of their stuff; and its worked. I feel so insecure when I say it and see it and feel it; the feelings of insecurity and being alone hit me and scare me to death.
The problem is; I have to stop looking at this person as a human being and a brother; and that is hard; really really really hard because Id have to stop looking at him as a part of my life as a child. All of it has to be changed.
Im getting stronger and Im more willing to see this for what it really is; but is shakes up my whole childhood experience it; it destroyed how I viewed everything as a child.  This breaks my view of childhood. And that is to hard for me right now. However, Im getting stronger and its just a matter of time before I can see clearly and need to be concerned clearly; this is not a friend of mine and is no family member with me... no connection; I guess Im mad that he pulled the rope out first; disentangled himself and cut the ties with me; did it long before I knew what happened.
So; Im trying to work through the grieving and heart break of all this; working through the grieving process. Im stuck in it; So; instead of flight or fight; Im heading out to the community and getting help for it; Im not staying in isolation and brewing on it until I go crazy. And this is something I never did when dealing with trauma in situations like this; I just held it all in and walked around as a victim of criminals....
The way he talks to me is of someone that is owed something; like he's entitled because the world did him in so I owe him because I represent society that he never got to be apart of; Im not a person; Im just another number of society he has the right to destroy because he's a victim. A criminal type victim; always innocent no matter what he wants to do...
In reality; he's using me as supply because he's a criminal sociopath.
He is not a friend of mine; that is most important. He never has been; and he was never safe; its all be a covert lie from the beginning. He never came to me; I came to him when I was younger and stayed in the same home town as he. I wanted a brother; I demanded someone from this family system help me. it was a mistake. Their was no one from this family;
Their was no one on my side from this family because their was no family; I was living through the TV set and sitcoms of what I wanted life to look like; and Im not going to beat myself up for it; Its this part of myself Ive not liked and ridiculed for making this big mistake; but no small child makes mistakes; they are small children; it was all I had to view the outside world. So; I viewed these people I was living with as family when in reality they were monsters..
So; Im trying to break the bond of seeing these monsters as people or family; and thats the work I have to do; In addition to this; a lot of secondary problems exist. I ended up at other peoples homes and made them my family when they were never my family and never wanted me as their family or wanted me period; they never wanted me in their homes; they had to come up with excuses to have me in their homes. I was not wanted...
So; I have allot of denial to work through concerning the realties of my childhood. However, the big one right now is a different view of my brother was never a brother but a criminal.
ii have no relationship with this brother and never have; he's been waiting around to steal from me; thats all this person has been doing and thats the only reason he's associated with me or acted in a way I would associate with him. He is someone I should be afraid of.
The goal is to get over my brother because he is not a brother; and by doing so; no more family portrait... Once he is gone from my personality; I have no way of being in denial about what happened and who these monsters were.....
Im attempting to come out of denial into acceptance; learn to protect myself and restart my life again...
I have allot of time periods to work through.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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