5th grade through 8th grade; relationship inhalation; completely destroyed; especially sexual abuse; 10-13. Help.
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So; This is whats getting in the way of modern relationships; this time period; its like I was silenced; my voice and I was used against my will as if I had been kidnapped. I was kidnapped; its the same thing; I could not go anywhere or escape. I can feel it right now; its stopping me; its destroying me; it has destroyed me; its more then repressive; I mean; Im totally messed up and dont really know what to do accept start working through it; I can feel the really bad hot spots where its pure horror and anger or rage or torture and violations against my body and mind and life; someone submerging me and controlling me and destroying me.
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Is it possible to work through that time period and relearn how to open up again where I was taught not too. Sure; I guess. Ill try. yes; one point at a time; learning how to deal with the horrible trauma of seeing a grown man in front of me when Im in bed; standing over me or in my space while Im naked under the covers and he wants me to get up and turn off the TV; stuff like that; I have no father. And I didnt expect that to happen; I had no idea my real father would be leaving and I would have to live where I lived; unbelievable;. all grief has to go out the window and held in so I can survive.. Never thought that would happen to me; any of what happened; its unbelievable. Anyway; The point; is to work through this stuff until I am free of it and can function again in society..... I can see several hot spot areas of dissociation; I can feel it; the goal is to come back enough so I can have relationships.
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So; the next focus of manifestation work will be on getting help to over come the effects of abuse and trauma from ages 9-14; start with that.... What does that mean; its means self help when I was originally suppose to get it but no one around to care what happened to me... So; now I see myself getting the help I need now.
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Im not sure what direction God will send me...
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Id also like to get into activities; really very back into them again; start healing and functioning again.
I have to pray about the activities Im suppose to be involved in
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So; this is all going to take work; The number one thing I must work through to be right with God and see Gods eyes light up for me and feel right is getting through this visualization work concerning the old relationship interest I had with this specific girl when I was young; to work through it. Get into the depth and steal thickness of it down to its core and move it along; much like creating a play. Really get in their and create that play... create it; create those words and new movements and new thoughts and new phrases and new choreography to the words; the dance of 2 young people meeting each other and getting to know each other the way I wanted it and expected it to happen.
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Dealing with an indifferent world. Im so shocked by the way ive been treated as a human being; its almost beyond me. Im not understanding of it. So many people just throw me away if they glance to see something they must think about concerning my worth. Its almost evil; like im around a whole world of evil; Not what I want; but I must tell the universe I want boundaries to deal with all of this; its to much; I encountered it yesterday. A young women opened a door for me; I was late to a dinner... I said thanking and begin to talk to her; she shelved it; She said something nice but would not talk to me; I mean; I dont know how to explain it; accept to purposely not put me up to my actually worth; to not have to give me credit for who I am; she simply wont have a conversation with me thus not allowing me to show my voice or worth; just unbelievable. sicko's.... pure prejudice. However, Ive noticed many others not showing up anymore; and that is probably why' pure evil.