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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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A place exists

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm

A place exists between where Im at and where I want to be. I would like control of my life; Money is part of it if not all of it. Money would solve all of it.
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Money would solve all of it but I wont let myself have money...
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That enterprising place; that place past the middle; that place between my fantasy and making things happen; thats what hurts and where I want to be; making things happen; learning on my own how to make things happen.
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I see allot of horror and anger and bad things in that position.
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I see allot of intimidation by others; bad mouthing; no growing up or development.
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I see short sidedness; I see people of the past intimidating me and taking swings at me physically keeping me in my place; ruining me, And I dont know what to do or where to go. I was demoralized and humiliated with no way out; over n over n over n over no ver. its like a brick wall. And Im not sure where to go or how to start again.
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So; I want to get to that free open place; I want to feel free and open and make plans to what I want and be in that enterprising place..
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The enterprising place scares me to death. I dont want to be stuck out their all alone.
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Everything seems bigger then me; even skiing, or a car or women; see them from the eyes of a very immature sheltered 14 year old or 8 year old. If your 6; you cant expect to know how to handle a job; you will traumatize a child into a state of catatonic.
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I have no personal power stories in any part of my life; nothing.
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Its the same for art and music and xbox and everything.
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A for women; its the same thing; Im like a first grader; that has to learn to take chances; thats an over whelming thing to do. Women are not of my age emotionally and seem more powerful to me; bigger, larger then life; but Im closing the gap kind of. Im getting their; no experiences are closing the gap. Its happening because experiences are flowing like water into a box; slowly filling the box up.
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So; everything seems bigger to me; trauma has caused this; being trapped has caused this. Trapped for most of my life without being strong enough to stand up and make my own decisions for myself.
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I cannot stand up for myself its to scary. Theirs a gap; I want someone else to stand up and make the way and I stay out of it.
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I want to concentrate on better bigger things.
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Im scared and intimidated to stand up for myself; its 2 much for me...
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People and places and things seem to big for me to stand up to.
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Having a car seems to big to me to have; Its to mature; to big; to much.
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Making art work is to big to much.
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Having money is to big to much...
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Making music is scary; to much negative horror associated with it; its to big; this horror; all of it. to much. To much intimidation; all of it.
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Everything is to much; to much intimidation...
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Their is a place; a place of action that is a free place; its not in the past; its now; taking chances now.. Im to small for this; or not big enough yet. I'm damaged and dont know how. I never got a chance to learn; I was destroyed.
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Not sure how much more I can write on it; its about preparing to learn how to take chances; ; to be at the place of competition with others; but not with others; with growth in myself. Im growing in myself. I would like to write more.
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I would like to write more about it.
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I would like to write more about it; to have more confidence. To feel like Im safe to learn to take chances; chances from trauma.
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Im not sure.... I know what I want; a gap resides between where Im at and what I want... I'm getting stronger but Im scared; its scary; its a scary gap. its bad; Im scared; Im in first grade and Im scared of this gap; I wish my father was here to help me; he would cary me over this gap. He would help me.
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So; I have a gap I shave to go over. Im not sure how to do that yet. Im working on it; building more experiences. thats all I know.. Im in the second grade and I want to do things with my life; but Im scared of being taken advantage of. Im scared others can take advantage of me. Im not sure what to do or where to go. Im not sure..
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Im scared and need more experiences..... Im scared of those experiences... Im not sure what to do.... where to go....

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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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