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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- May 2020
The idea of never dating women ever again
   Sun May 31, 2020 4:49 am

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A place exists

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm

A place exists between where Im at and where I want to be. I would like control of my life; Money is part of it if not all of it. Money would solve all of it.
Money would solve all of it but I wont let myself have money...
That enterprising place; that place past the middle; that place between my fantasy and making things happen; thats what hurts and where I want to be; making things happen; learning on my own how to make things happen.
I see allot of horror and anger and bad things in that position.
I see allot of intimidation by others; bad mouthing; no growing up or development.
I see short sidedness; I see people of the past intimidating me and taking swings at me physically keeping me in my place; ruining me, And I dont know what to do or where to go. I was demoralized and humiliated with no way out; over n over n over n over no ver. its like a brick wall. And Im not sure where to go or how to start again.
So; I want to get to that free open place; I want to feel free and open and make plans to what I want and be in that enterprising place..
The enterprising place scares me to death. I dont want to be stuck out their all alone.
Everything seems bigger then me; even skiing, or a car or women; see them from the eyes of a very immature sheltered 14 year old or 8 year old. If your 6; you cant expect to know how to handle a job; you will traumatize a child into a state of catatonic.
I have no personal power stories in any part of my life; nothing.
Its the same for art and music and xbox and everything.
A for women; its the same thing; Im like a first grader; that has to learn to take chances; thats an over whelming thing to do. Women are not of my age emotionally and seem more powerful to me; bigger, larger then life; but Im closing the gap kind of. Im getting their; no experiences are closing the gap. Its happening because experiences are flowing like water into a box; slowly filling the box up.
So; everything seems bigger to me; trauma has caused this; being trapped has caused this. Trapped for most of my life without being strong enough to stand up and make my own decisions for myself.
I cannot stand up for myself its to scary. Theirs a gap; I want someone else to stand up and make the way and I stay out of it.
I want to concentrate on better bigger things.
Im scared and intimidated to stand up for myself; its 2 much for me...
People and places and things seem to big for me to stand up to.
Having a car seems to big to me to have; Its to mature; to big; to much.
Making art work is to big to much.
Having money is to big to much...
Making music is scary; to much negative horror associated with it; its to big; this horror; all of it. to much. To much intimidation; all of it.
Everything is to much; to much intimidation...
Their is a place; a place of action that is a free place; its not in the past; its now; taking chances now.. Im to small for this; or not big enough yet. I'm damaged and dont know how. I never got a chance to learn; I was destroyed.
Not sure how much more I can write on it; its about preparing to learn how to take chances; ; to be at the place of competition with others; but not with others; with growth in myself. Im growing in myself. I would like to write more.
I would like to write more about it.
I would like to write more about it; to have more confidence. To feel like Im safe to learn to take chances; chances from trauma.
Im not sure.... I know what I want; a gap resides between where Im at and what I want... I'm getting stronger but Im scared; its scary; its a scary gap. its bad; Im scared; Im in first grade and Im scared of this gap; I wish my father was here to help me; he would cary me over this gap. He would help me.
So; I have a gap I shave to go over. Im not sure how to do that yet. Im working on it; building more experiences. thats all I know.. Im in the second grade and I want to do things with my life; but Im scared of being taken advantage of. Im scared others can take advantage of me. Im not sure what to do or where to go. Im not sure..
Im scared and need more experiences..... Im scared of those experiences... Im not sure what to do.... where to go....


Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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