Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1138)
Archives
- January 2021
I could not compete because of my avoidant behavior
   Tue Jan 19, 2021 4:48 am
keep working at it
   Mon Jan 18, 2021 4:17 am
Wake up! Trying to become present
   Sun Jan 17, 2021 7:48 am
Planning life as an AVPD
   Sat Jan 16, 2021 7:24 am
Another break through
   Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:51 am
bulling and apologizing
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 9:17 pm
My work; to get up close in my imagination
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 7:17 am
Get right with God; God is saying
   Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:02 am
The message about the sociopath
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 2:24 pm
Moving forward
   Sat Jan 09, 2021 4:53 am
Beginning to move forward
   Fri Jan 08, 2021 5:11 pm
Im alone again; things are changing.
   Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:17 am

+ December 2020
+ November 2020
+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

A place exists

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm

A place exists between where Im at and where I want to be. I would like control of my life; Money is part of it if not all of it. Money would solve all of it.
.
Money would solve all of it but I wont let myself have money...
.
That enterprising place; that place past the middle; that place between my fantasy and making things happen; thats what hurts and where I want to be; making things happen; learning on my own how to make things happen.
.
I see allot of horror and anger and bad things in that position.
.
I see allot of intimidation by others; bad mouthing; no growing up or development.
.
I see short sidedness; I see people of the past intimidating me and taking swings at me physically keeping me in my place; ruining me, And I dont know what to do or where to go. I was demoralized and humiliated with no way out; over n over n over n over no ver. its like a brick wall. And Im not sure where to go or how to start again.
.
So; I want to get to that free open place; I want to feel free and open and make plans to what I want and be in that enterprising place..
.
The enterprising place scares me to death. I dont want to be stuck out their all alone.
.
.
Everything seems bigger then me; even skiing, or a car or women; see them from the eyes of a very immature sheltered 14 year old or 8 year old. If your 6; you cant expect to know how to handle a job; you will traumatize a child into a state of catatonic.
.
I have no personal power stories in any part of my life; nothing.
.
Its the same for art and music and xbox and everything.
.
A for women; its the same thing; Im like a first grader; that has to learn to take chances; thats an over whelming thing to do. Women are not of my age emotionally and seem more powerful to me; bigger, larger then life; but Im closing the gap kind of. Im getting their; no experiences are closing the gap. Its happening because experiences are flowing like water into a box; slowly filling the box up.
.
So; everything seems bigger to me; trauma has caused this; being trapped has caused this. Trapped for most of my life without being strong enough to stand up and make my own decisions for myself.
.
I cannot stand up for myself its to scary. Theirs a gap; I want someone else to stand up and make the way and I stay out of it.
.
I want to concentrate on better bigger things.
.
Im scared and intimidated to stand up for myself; its 2 much for me...
.
People and places and things seem to big for me to stand up to.
.
Having a car seems to big to me to have; Its to mature; to big; to much.
.
Making art work is to big to much.
.
Having money is to big to much...
.
Making music is scary; to much negative horror associated with it; its to big; this horror; all of it. to much. To much intimidation; all of it.
.
Everything is to much; to much intimidation...
.
Their is a place; a place of action that is a free place; its not in the past; its now; taking chances now.. Im to small for this; or not big enough yet. I'm damaged and dont know how. I never got a chance to learn; I was destroyed.
.
.
Not sure how much more I can write on it; its about preparing to learn how to take chances; ; to be at the place of competition with others; but not with others; with growth in myself. Im growing in myself. I would like to write more.
.
I would like to write more about it.
.
I would like to write more about it; to have more confidence. To feel like Im safe to learn to take chances; chances from trauma.
.
Im not sure.... I know what I want; a gap resides between where Im at and what I want... I'm getting stronger but Im scared; its scary; its a scary gap. its bad; Im scared; Im in first grade and Im scared of this gap; I wish my father was here to help me; he would cary me over this gap. He would help me.
.
So; I have a gap I shave to go over. Im not sure how to do that yet. Im working on it; building more experiences. thats all I know.. Im in the second grade and I want to do things with my life; but Im scared of being taken advantage of. Im scared others can take advantage of me. Im not sure what to do or where to go. Im not sure..
.
Im scared and need more experiences..... Im scared of those experiences... Im not sure what to do.... where to go....

.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 1556 times

Who is online

Registered users: Allcoulors, AngeAotearoa, Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot], Philonoe, ShadowsMoon, Wally58