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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (948)
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- July 2019
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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A new season

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Feb 10, 2019 4:19 pm

Im in a new season of my life; and Im attempting to get rid of the old. the old is the child in me running everything because he was neglected and had to take over; but he's not even old enough to use trucks.
There was no reason for me to be destroyed; destroyed when young; no reason for it. And Im trying to come back from what was done to me.
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Im attempting to get my life back so I can live a life; life.
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Im attempting to learn how to live.
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Im asking for help at the places I visit for recovery; I have a lot of pent up anger and hatred and resentments I have to work through in order to stand on my own 2 feet.
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I feel hated and anger; However, I have to face it and deal with it and move on!
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I don't even had a truck; I don't drive; not married, now house, no friends; I have friends; but not deep enough friends; I have nothing; and I want to do something about it; Ive been afraid I will sell out if I do; but thats not the right approach.
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Would I rather be angry on the streets homeless in the snow or be angry and deal with my anger in a new truck. Simple answer.
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So; Im attempting to deal with the massive bulling and manipulation from eery direction when young; the PTSD that still takes me over; I still dissociate; and Im not here; and in these areas; I musts wake up because in these areas are real life; and Im being blocked.
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ITs one day at a time; one minute at a time to stay present and learn to manifest what I want in the present.
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I don't want to be in the present with no hope, repressed anger and hostility with a false smirk on my face called a smile while I do forced labor and have no direction or life; or to be a drifter the rest of my life; Thats not what I want.
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I have a lot of hurt and pain to work through;
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Those years of pain; one is to create a future for themselves; work; career; occupations; all was abandon through anger and rage; no doubt on purpose by the perpetrators who did this to me. I had no defense; I was just a child; not fair. non of it.
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So; I have to work through many things; and get back on my feet; my inner thinking must change, and not be directed by the past pain or focus on the past pain. Im always focusing on what happened to me in the past; this has to stop; this must stop; STOP!
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So; I have a lot of work to let go of my childhood and what I thought was going to be a grand life; it all must come down and I start over again. So; the child in me must become present into the present and focus on whats in front of me and not the past; so much from the past must be worked through. and I must emerge onto the other side with a new life; things and the past worked through.
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So; paths unfolding to do this; How! what direction; Im like an 8 year old who is lost and doesnt no anything about the present. Im looked in the past and the gap between where Im at and the present is to big for me; So; I must work with the universe to imagine a bridge gapping me from then to now.
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Ive done this before; this bridge. Now I must go deeper.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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