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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
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A new kind of pain

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon May 13, 2013 2:04 am

Im at a strange place in my psych recovery; Ive never been this far since childhood.

My mind is returning to me bits and pieces ( haggard). The dissociative disorders symptoms are going down. With Gods help Im making a successful transformation back into the real world. Im tough to dealing with the outside world. Im slowly allowing myself around the right situations to toughen up; and I am toughening up!

Most of my interactions are with people ( not like me). However, Im considered. " one of them". If Im in a middle class groups, Im considered to be middle class and shallow. ITs assumed I don't know anything about the real world, and Im going to ( suppose to) put on a false front to act the part for status.

If Im with the street lower class, chances are I am assumed to be a sociopath with no conscious, or something close to it! If I act with humanness, Im considered a weakling and treated like a punk in prison.

If Im in church, its assumed I am to play some type of fake roll. I am to go along with the rhetoric spilled on me! I am to play a part just like in the religious church movies. I seem to be playing this roll of naive Christian that does not really know God and everyone else is now going to show me the way to God since ive wised up to the program. Its interesting, because Im the only one that really knows God out of the bunch. Ive told people this, they are from the middle class and do not understand, it goes over there heads.

Since Ive changed and changed some-more, IVe been turned on. Many people are seeing Im not like them or the me that used to be and Im moving on. As I wake up Im seeing these goons treat me very badly, very controlling and very prison like.. As if Im a weakling under there thumbs. Im praying about it. Im not ready to confront these people; not yet! It will be awhile. I will have to heal up and get a new life. I need strength on the other side and healing. I can see where all of this is going. Im heading of the street life back into middle class life. Im healing in that area of torture, or being tortured. Im praying and learning to forgive people all the time, over and over and over. Its all very grueling hard work. God sent me back around people like the people that hurt me. I spent years around them, and this made all the difference. Its not for everyone. It was what I needed. I do not need it anymore. However, Im not ready to reenter the middle class life either. I will have to work my way into a new way of thinking. A new middle class way of trusting.

I was destroyed by the middle class. Many people are. Many children are destroyed because they choose to have depth and think for themselves; not be part of the system. Many get ostracized by middle class closed family systems. Many kids will kill themselves from this rejection. Nice world! Welcome to the herd circling the water hole.

All of these scenarios have helped to bring me back to conscious life. However, nothing will be the same. I know to much about what happens to children in this society and what is happening as I write . Every 17 minutes a kid kills themselves. Every 40 seconds a kid tries. I cant live in this place. I cant live with in societal walls with a conscious. Im on my knees to God 2o times a day for mental stability. I have to much of a conscious to live in America or any other society in the world. I do not want to be part of murder. Anyone who worships this place also accepts the role of what it does to its young victims. Its not alright that children die that I live as I wish!

I have gained feedback. I have never been respected by others the way Ive needed to and that wont change. I will slip through there hands. They will not change. They will stay the same. None of these people will ever be on my side. They will always live for themselves and put there own interests above everyone else's.

Healing is the name of the game.

The tortured area is a numb area. This is the area that allows others to walk on me without fighting back. I had to allow others to take advantage of me when younger. I could not fight back. It was the best and only survival choice. I had no where to run. My back was against the wall. That part of me, the part that defends by allowing others to abuse me and I stay silent is still active. Its now ran its course and needs to decline. Bad element people are still taking advantage of me ( and Im still attracted to the abuse and the masochism. It feels warm and safe) and Im not fighting back. Im still dissociative enough that I don't see the abuse coming and I cant respond to it or the manipulative abuser. I automatically shut down. Hopefully this will get better. In addition, I always feel the victim as if these people are attacking only me! Im aware that trouble makers cause trouble for everyone, not just me. Many complain about the same people and there behavior!

Im codependent and dependent personality type. Ive gotten better. I have a large way to go! I allow people to abuse me. I hate them, but please don't leave me! I do not want to be abandon.

Help me! I do need the help. However, Im helping myself! And I turn to God!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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