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A new era is starting; But Ive got problems

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm

Im in the middle of changing as the old dies away and the new cometh in.
A number of problems exist.
First; I have to remember; go where my higher power wants me to go.
I must remember; Ive been through a full mental illness from trauma; Its slowly receding as I get older; because I work very hard at getting better; and Im getting better. My mind is being refilled with good stuff. And so Im not down n out like before; Im still freaked out in the public and ruptured...

Im functioning better around people; However, Im just starting. Im now able or looking to be able to interact with others without judgment. Im slowly able to hold my own in conversations.
Im tuff enough! ITs tuff. Im starting over from the beginning; Im an introvert that has to get tuff and be an extrovert.
Im starting on the first or the beginning of rehab socially; that means I feel safe enough to interact and take over a bit and be myself. However, theirs a problem.
Im noticing around people; they are trying to dominate and dont want me taking over; so; a whole lot of people see me as someone they were controlling or manipulating and I have to put a stop to it; and that will happen as I get stronger; it also means; many people have been treating me as someone they were always taking advantage of and they dont want it to stop. Its a switch when I start getting strong enough to take care of my self; be able to head to the front of the table and handle things myself.
So; Im looking to open up a bit and take over a bit because Im getting stronger.
Other problems; As I mentioned; Im slowly re learning how to open up to people; converse. The problem is; Im in conversation with a specific type of people; but Im not conversing with higher up people. People who are healthier; thats what I mean. Im scared of acceptance problems.
I was born; taken advantage of; by the time Im 5; Im feeling the neglect. The throw away neglect; Instead of being taken care of; Im thrown away form the beginning but dont know it and having to become tuff. And it will get worse; but I dont know it; Ill continue to adapt until adapting is not working; its going over the edge because of neglect. And they Ill be completely throw away. All my dreams gone and stomped out.
Ive lived a strange life; not accomplishing much; Im in a dissociated dream world; I relate more to TV shows of the 1960's then I do reality. Ive spent 1/3rd of my life in 12 step meetings and therapists and recovery process. I mean; its great for recovery; but Im not hooked to the real world; Im out in space from society. Im hiding and my life is a lie.... Im not accepting of all that has happened; coming to terms with it. Ive not been able to.
I would like to work my way back into society; meeting the right people at a higher level.
The places of recovery I frequent have a large number of sociopaths and narcissists and some sadistic people; all mixed in with other crazy people. And for the process and coming together to help each other survive; its great; Im never alone; if and when I can be present; as I am becoming present. However, Im not connected with the outside world and other people; and I have to be... I want to be around more cultured people.
Meeting people in the real world; at some point I have to deal with meeting new people not from the recovery process. People of a higher level of human appreciation...
I have to realize; Ive been mentally ill at an extremely severe level; Im very fortunate and lucky. very fortunate; Ive got people I can talk to and work on or work with... Im not alone if I dont want to be. Ive got a foundation to start over with.. A strong one. Its a tuff place but the universe brought me to a palace to survive and stay alive and I am.
My goal is to work on my social skills; and its hard; Im still mentally ill. Its hard and its about facing people and talking to people.
Anyone with trauma based mental illness knows they cant stand in front of other people and interact; thats where the damaged occurred; in front of the abusers. So; its extremely hard to stay present in front of others. Its scary. Lots of work here; Im doing OKe.
Ive got meetings with regular people; more establish people; Ill start practicing on them.
Im still trauma bonded to my mother and father and more importantly; the Grandfather that raped me and probably did much more things to me when very young. Im attracting sociopaths like them; and their starting to connect to me where Im paralyzed; I recognize it and have to move on and work with a higher power to meet the right people.
One horrible problem with being brought up by sociopaths and psychopaths; one attracts them through like in relationships; I find them finding me and trying to connect with me.
Women; And this is why Im trying to get more interactive and communicative; I wanta relationships. Nothing scares me more then to break into the vault of women. Break into women; start dating them and going out with them; my self esteem is so low; its almost like Im a ghost and I have to deal with this. Why am I this way? trauma based abuse and illness; so; I know why?
I am wholly insecure around women; I mean; no self esteem; nothing; I mean; a giant whole exists; I was told and treated like I was nothingness. And its a giant whole. most of the women I meet I dont want to associate with; nothing. Ive not been around decent people.
Problem with women in the real world!
ITs a huge ego slam to face; I want women around me and I have nothing; no economics; Shame and pride slam me. So; I need more experiences not worrying about it. Ive got friends that are strong and dont care... I have to learn to be the same.
I have to accept whats happened to me in this life and like myself; I didnt do anything to anyone; I got these problems from someone else; they caused it; I was a victim of it and I had to face the consequences of this whether I caused it or not... I have to like myself. Im not sure how Im going to do this.. My self image and thoughts on all this must change to a place of success. Ive been studying success for 5 1/2 years; so; I know whats needed to change my results. However, Their is a bottomless pid I have to deal with; its economic; economics means safety; and that means I have no self safety; and that makes it hard to meet someone that does. Ill have to work on it.
Im not always like the people Im around; Im tuff in ways like them; but I need a much more intellectual crowd.
How am I going to meet an intellectual crowd. when I feel like I dont fit into one; What I really want is middle class money and a house; to be financially fit.... Ive got allot of negatives around that; victimhood and negative thoughts on how that can happen; Im very hardened on that; So; I have to start working on the rehab of that.
Well; God/universe is helping me face what I have to face to meet the right people. and I have to work on that; Im not a complete outcast. but I have been living in a bubble. And Ive been living like a Hobo.
I never made it into adult life and I never made it past childhood and I never made it into reality. I mean; I bi passed everything; living in a dissociated state; I must remember; I could not help it; its an illness and theirs nothing I could do about it. in fact it got worse until 2012; and then I started to show signs of getting better; I started to slowly wake up; or begin the slow process of waking up.
Talents; talents lay dormant; not used. And so; this is another area of interest to work on. Ive had no one in my corner; just my child mind. Thats not quit enough for the outside world; its like being 6 years old.
My whole life has been backward. And Im trying to get it straitened out; the bulling in my life scared me half to death and I did not want to be alive anymore. Also, the friends I had made; it was all fake; I never had any friends. I had a few down the street when a kid; that was it. On the other side of the street; they saw me as filth or low class when I was not filth or low class. So; they were no friends; but I did not know; I had no idea; I never knew what people were really thinking; and I still deal with this. I deal with this with some men; I deal with many many women thinking Im filth because I do not give in and tell them anything about myself; I stay away from them unless they are taking a subordinate position around me; if they dont; they dont get into my inner circle. and many dont. If one of them shows any sign of treating me less then what Im worth; I clam up and go away or I ignore them; most dont ever seem to get it; And this tells me I need to be around other people.
Im getting better but Im cut off from the world and would like to be around people and places and things again; Ive never experienced anything; not much but a TV screen or computer screen; not much else. No relationships; Ive never been around the right people for that. Ive been hiding all my life.
In the recovery process; the universe has helped me. However, its been no place to meet women. The kind of women Im interested in are out in the world and I have to face what it will take to meet them; this causes much sadness; for I dont expect them to understand; and I cant hide from them or my past. I dont expect them to like me; I expect them to look at me in disgust thinking they are better then me or that Im inferior; and I will continue to be silent and act that way. Im only interested in attracting those women smart enough to see at a deeper level; for the rest; Im silent and will silently move on.
Maybe its time to stop hiding from my past.
I was reading about Keith Partridge of the partridge family; the show from 1970; I died in 2017 of alcohol poisoning; He was tremendously popular in his life. He told the press about false illnesses of dementia; that he was suffering like his mother and Grandparents had suffered or his father; not sure which. He later stated that he lied; that he was suffering from alcohol poisoning and didnt do anything about it; He said the alcohol was covering up the loneliness and emptiness of his life. He said he was hiding and it was a mistake.
Maybe its also a mistake for me when meeting new people; possibly; I need a new image of myself. My image is of someone that got hurt in life and hid and never came out ever again and only associated with people in a hidden recovery process and never ventured past it.
Maybe its time to see me for the good parts of myself and not the death blows I received in life; Im not suggesting to lessen what happened to me or the horrible results and close to death consequences and a life thrown asunder. Im suggesting a new image of myself; of an intelligent college guy with talents and leave it like that with no negative association. Could that happen. Its possible with a bit more sanity.
Ive wanted to be safe. the relief I was seeking with disability and the recovery rooms; Ive need it; but I also need a real life. I dont need to be owned by it.
As for talents; I would like to use them simply to prove I can come out of coma like dissociation and come back to life; and thats my goal; its more important right now for me to produce something and get it out around the public. Its more important to interact with the public then stay in a box. I want to be part of the greater life and not have to lie about it anymore. I would like to know I can handle it.
I would like a life that I can believe I dont have to answer to everyone I meet because I have no life.
I am scared and resentful that I have to put out talents to a world that can rip and slash me to pieces through my work; I really dont want anymore of this; Ive had an overdoes full already and have no room in my personality for more problems. And no reward to show for it.. I do not see the public as a friendly public. Maybe they are; I dont know; I see flashbacks; thats what I see and feel.
And I would really like to be around other people.........
Weight is an issue; I have to loose it before I start dating. Food; the need to eat but what do I eat and how much; and theirs the problem. I mean; I know what to do; I have to mature into this..

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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