2 arias left to work on; relationships and art. These are the 2 areas in recovery that have been blocked. Art has already broken loose and loose and loose. Im already their... All I have to do is create 10 vase paintings; take them into one of my 12 step groups; set 5 on the floor against one wall and 5 on the floor against the other and let them sit.... Thus; taking art into the recovery rooms is like an art boat that I bring into the docking area and dock; Im bringing it along into the recovery process; thus; art recovery... It becomes part of my rehabilitation as a recovery person; art recovery section of self now joining me in the recovery process.
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Relationship recovery; this means; adolescent recovery process. Ive now tied my hands and allowing God to create the journey to unfold the recovery process to express myself when need be in front of someone I like or love that I ask them to join me in a relationship; that is the goal. My hands are tied; Im not getting into it; Im staying out of it. PTSD and allot of it popping up when reading this; especially the words; " I ask them to join me in a relationship". This causes much anguish and fear when reading this; pain and deep hatred and loathing and anger...
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The recovery of relationships... First; when young; The girl was in front of me; I loved her; she loved me or liked me or accepted that love and me and was waiting for me to make the first move or tell her how I felt or join her; but I never did; why? I was to prideful; I refused to bow down to her and humble myself. For God Sake; why? or why not? My God; what? HELP? What have I done? What? Bad Timing? Please God O please; HELP; HELP ME!@. O GOD IM LOOSING HER! And I lost her; she waited for a 1 1/2 and I never budged; In reality; I had many many problems in this area stemming from a broken past; it would not be fixed with one women at that time. PTSD; lots of walls of flashbacks... so; I was trapped in trauma based mental illness and disability and had no help; nothing.
I did not have any courage nor experience in this nor character for telling her my open feelings without some kind of batman cape and false narrative as batman to go with it; so it could build up my false ego and false image and false self. If I were to tell her the truth of how I felt; my whole false self would come tumbling down... And I could not have that; that would be to much; asking for to much; but would it be asking for to much? I dont think so; In fact; I must have been crazy! I through away my life; my dreams; my future; thats what I did... I had no guts; I chickened out I coward out. I looked for a way out... I did not want to take responsibility for myself... In reality; I did want to take responsibility but I did not know how; but I was a coward and could not see how to do it as a coward so I weaseled my way out but why or how or what? I was angry and abusive; but not to her I mean; I was in the sense I left her... I left her instead of facing my future with her and having a future with her... That in itself says something about me;' everything about why my life took a permanent nose dive. I had no life; God gave me the opportunity to have a life ( I avoided) and I throw it away as a coward. Now; im trying to stop and turn this around and face what I have to face not to run away from what God brings me for a future... I dont want to run anymore. I want to face even If it means I have nothing. I certainly want to have a women and I dont want to give her away; what kind of Altra coward ess is this... This goes beyond evil... I mean; what? What did I do; what am I doing. So; It gives me a deep sick pleasure to give her away; I can feel it; its exciting and sexual... evil; like doing evil magic spells in front of satan... or something I dont know! ...
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The adolescence beginning; So; I never began; I was destroyed in the 5th grade through trauma and received no help for it... And this is a major problem and the lack of development. OK; what am I going to do about it... First; God is taking over; going to unfold this as I ask him to. Im doing visualization work with this one relationship when young; and Im writing a new script and story line of this beginning relationship of my past and ending it the way I always wanted to end it; with out anyone else influence. Im visualizing talking to her up close; telling her in my imagination how proud I am of her and how I want to sit with her and tell her how I feel about her and ask her to be my girlfriend... ( Im seizing up just writing about it; literally going into hardcore freeze mode); And its hard writing this; thats how powerful it is; wanting to escape. But I want to escape everything; AVPD. Its as if ive got some kind of fear Im afraid of that will come next after we are going out and together; Im not sure; maybe Im afraid I will end up or we will end up like my mother and father and I dont want that... I dont know... maybe I feel ill be trapped...
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I want to avoid everything and Im afraid of being embarrassed about everything.... So; thats where it starts. God will take me as I am and slowly giving me the strength and experiences to become a boy around relationships then a teenager around relationships and then a man again around women for relationships... Im kind of excited and also freaked out and Im so embarrassed that ive been so sheepish and shy and bashful and not eble to tell a women that I like her; tell a women I actually feel something for and like that I like her; how I feel; Ive never been able to tell a women I liked how I feel; ever; never done it before. Ive been able to go out with women that meant nothing to me; I mean; I felt nothing for them.. used them for sex; but they were using me to. I mean; Ya know... I was able to ask women out; but then not follow through; couldn't... I could never follow through with women on anything; totally shut down like a dead log... And now I want to do something about it.. So; the first thing is; not being in charge; only God. And God will bring the journey and the experiences to my door and Im to stay out of it... dont get involved and mess it all up or go out and try to take over; find some women that likes me and play God and mess the whole things up; No More! God takes over; my hands are bound; I stay out of it. Let God take over and I just go down the energy river and let the boat float to its next destiny down stream. And this hurts so much writing this; scares me and I just got to try to get involved but I cant. Fear......
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And this relationship situation; getting over my adolescence; re generating my personality to fit with new people through open expression; this new me; learning to be un afraid. Ill gain basic experiences and when I do; ill move them into the recovery rooms to join my art recovery as part of self and these 2 areas; relationship and art recovery will be part of my bigger general recovery in the recovery process... as one. That is the goal.
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As ive mentioned; Art is almost in those rooms; very close... moving from my protective walls into open recovery spaces; into life again. As for relationship stuff; I texted a women this morning asking her for some help with something; this is an example of the beginning of relationship development. We will see who God brings; safe women of quality; decent honest women who want to help; God is bringing them; I must stay out of the mix.... stay out of it; keep working with God and being under Gods care and direction and have the courage to be under Gods care on this... Its growing; small things have been showing up with women; my interactions with them.. its slowly showing up; but I must stay out of it for it to grow... And its important that I go back in time in my imagination and see myself re entering that beginning relationship when young; see myself with that girl, I loved and this time imagine it the way I really wanted it to happen; in real time face to face... No mother interfering and ruining everything like that last time; I want those thoughts of my mother out a here; I only want thoughts of me and this girl; I in charge of my own feelings and thoughts and actions; no other intimidation or fear or hatred coming from my mother; nothing.. no involvement from my mother forced involvement; This is why my father divorced my mother; she was lawless; she had no boundaries and would get involved in numerous areas of his life and sabotage it sadistically and try to destroy him by undermining him; he finally got rid of her; and this was not the first time she had been gotten rid of; I found out she had been married before and had several boyfriends in high school and college and they parents tried to get rid of her for the same reason.... ITs just me and this girl and God and thats all; that is the goal; and its hard writing this; really really really hard; that is the goal.... me in charge; not me a puppet of that monster psychopaths strings doing her bidding to destroy my life against my will and thats what happened; it was like I was trauma bonded brainwashed and she was controlling every move I made and I was like a robot of hers and could be no other and I want that stopped; I want control of my life again. So; Ill trust God; and keep praying and telling the universe what I want and keep at this everyday.
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So; as I write this; I know Im growing and I know God is with me; I can feel the energy; And I want to say; what is hard; as I come back to life; no one from my past; its as if I came from a ghost town I lived in a dream and its gone now; and waking up to something like this is so hard on ones brain; its way over the top; its pure trauma producing; I can make it; my mind has been saturated with hate and anger and loneliness and horror and I can withstand it and make the change....
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So; a new lifes pre development is occurring; we will see what happens next. Also; Im in to other things; music and plastic model kits and other stuff; so; many parts of my life are developing.