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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am

As my mind continues to get stronger; I begin to see it first of things in my mind; in mind I see it; glances of it. feelings of it; moments of it; but also the pain. the pain of having one parent turn on me and want to destroyed me from the day Im born; then the other; both; and going me up and sending me to a rapist and child molester and satanist.... And I no one; Im thrown away. and can never go back; that was their goal. But it didn't work that way; They are Godless and lawless...
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What do I see in my mind; Im seeing and feeling the good things about my childhood that I created. The football games I attended with friends; and that I had friends; later they would betray me. And later others would betray me or act like they had never met me; like I was a loser; but I was no loser; I was destroyed and no one wanted me around; instead of helping me; they turned on me... And tried to get rid of me; or turn me into something bad; and this gave them the right to ostracize me.

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OKE: into the present; Parts of me want to wake up; but their is no support accept the neighborhood I came from; the actually physical place; and the memories of being buried alive by those who were suppose to love me; It gets hard now; it one thing to forgive; but to move on; Im feeling the effects of what they did; its so horrible. Im trying to move out of the limited beliefs i have; Im hitting walls of hard pain; its very very bad.. Im working toward it; I feel like Im an 8 year old struggling to get better and I need my parents to help support me; but it was my parents who did this in the first place; so great amounts of pain are brought up; its over the top pain; its horrible; and then I feel the refenge; its so huge; more then huge.. horrible.
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Im working out of it; Im trying to come out of the deep end of things back to the top of things and back to being me; but Ive got to have something; anything to look back on as a support; something; anything; and their is nothing; Im being used by everyone. Its horrible; but the primary people that are suppose to help in a childs life; they are all using me; no one to stand on or with; nothing; and this is a killer trying to crawl out of this.
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in my mind and feel it; I begin to allow myself to enjoy the dream in my mind; I begin to allow myself to look at what feels good; or; I begin to allow the right to look at it and appreciate it. I begin to allow myself to look at it; or the child to look at it; for the child lost it; lost all of it. I saw the world as an immoral place; and if it was to treat me immorally; I would not participate within it; and for years I did not. However, at some time I was loosing my life. For those who can accept it; My life was a giant psychological hunger strike; and at other times; a forced real hunger strike of poverty and the streets from homelessness. I went through my homeless period; that was fun; certainly I jest unless you think being always close to death is fun; its no fun...
I remember the winter; the cold; the great freezer; it was like living in a supermarket meat locker with a pitched tent and no coat... Its a scary deal. One learns to respect the great freezer; the winter; for it never leaves; 24 hours a day; and it can kill; especially if you have to live out in it.
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My mind is having remarkable changes; its coming back into alignment; its not very strong; but its healing and allowing good things to show up within its imagination. Its vulnerable; sensitive; like a newly created giraffe.
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Im allowing things in my imagination from the innocent child in me; this suggests the child in me feels safe; feels he has a chance to live. I had nothing before. The world was over whelming for me. My mind shut down; my soul and nervous system shut down; I had nothing. And when I say this; I see my mothers control and Im reacting to that control.
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Im free of my mother again; Im free within myself; Ive escaped; its not the first time; its happened before; the first time; my father was the muscle that kept her away; the next time; I moved back in with her and lived at the coast for the second time; I had brothers present and a good outlook on things; and was creating a form of independence; it did not last long; my life and independence was crushed. Soon; in demoralization and breakdowns; I left.
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Now; my mind is returning to me. My imagination is believing because Im creating things in my head with Gods help; and God is showing up; the universe is showing up.
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The goal is; focus only on what feels good and nothing else; find the highest level feeling and focus on that; and that is what life is. the momentum of life carries me forward and the direction concerns what Im thinking about and the importance of it. The signal must be strong enough for the universe to take importance of it; and that sincerity is my feelings. If my feelings area behind my interest; and its direction concerns to feel good; and Im aligned with myself; and I hold on to that feeling and don't let it go; soon; other things of the same frequency show up; its the law; it must happen that way.
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I get what Im thinking about; the vibration; I might think about a million dollars; having it. but another part of me doesn't believe. If this be the case; this split energy will defuse me; Ill have nothing. Ill cancel myself out of existence.
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I have to believe. and it must be behind my interest; and heres the deal; thats where the work is; and the work is not " out their" somewhere; the work is in the imagination. The true power comes from using the imagination when in diverse situations; to dream like a kid when in adverse environments.
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So; Ive allowed the process of regeneration in my mind; and it is feel successful and it feels good. It feels great. Im only at the beginning; Ive been here before; I was here when I was 5 years old; that is not a bad thing; it means Im getting back to my original existence of independence; Now what do I do. but first; what is independence; IT means my mother and father do not have control over me; the child and my imagination and the universe and my guidance system are working again; working as a unit to direct my interests; and those interests concern only one thing; what makes me feel good; to go by my feelings.
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Because Ive called for the ability to feel good; the child in me has taken interest that I have an interest in him; he has shown up and with it; all of my past memories and interests; At one time; he was not here anymore; and that was a brutal cold winter of in human black war... Now things are different; he is returned.. And with it; he brings the 4th of July of childhood with him. However, he also, brings solutions of how to contact those memories; bring them forward and re live my life of those interests. And that is my direction. And its happening.
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So; The first of these interests are; " What am I suppose to do with my time" " why have I had such a hard time finishing anything I start"; I begin to get answers to whats baffled me; and they are easy answers at this point; when for years I was baffled.
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Here are some answers; As a child; I did not have a mother and father telling me what to do; I had a house and food; and some love from my father. and my mother was put in her place; she could only play submissive house wife and take care of her children; she was forced to take care of children; make sure their needs were met; As God/mother-nature/Universe has intended. And thus; I was taken care of; and in this process; I would get up from bed in my bedroom; head out the door and play; thats all I did; the world was my giant play ground and thats how I saw it; and thats what I attracted over n over n over. And I had a high image of myself and what I wanted. I had a million ideas of what I could do and what I wanted to do and what I was suppose to do; I had the whole world to play in and my backyard. And my friends front yards... And I had cartoons.
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And guess what; its all coming back; that mentality; because my mind is returned and open to the child within me; and now its flooding in daily; more n more opportunities. And this is what Im fighting for; and Im learning to face up and allow the universe to show me how to show up for this; and thus is the gap
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The great gap; the divide; between where Im at and learning how to cross no mans land and show up to candy mountain and take whats mine..
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The gap is what Im working at now; and Im making it across the divide. Many people never make this trek because they neither have the experience or the knowledge or training or know how to accomplish such things; they've never been exposed to it.
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Im interested in model building; I must work with the universe to face what I have to face to make models; plastic replicas... get the equipment and the models; and the tools.
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I have things to face; ways to grow... a ways to go...
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Im in no mans land; Im learning how to secure my beachhead.
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Im fighting for my beachhead....
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It will take time to protect the attackers on all sides and secure the beachheads.....
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Im in the middle of being attacked from all sides as I make my way back out into life again....
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I play quiet and passive and defensive; I don't give into anything; when I'm attacked; I silently learn from it and stay to myself; and walk away; the goal is my focus; and that is to head toward what feels good; in a positive sense.
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A House And a backyard...
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Im seeing life very simply as a house and a backyard to play in; my own play pen; my own space; and their it is; and the money to carry such things through; and their it is; thats where life starts for me..
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Well; life starts before I get the house and backyard; it starts much earlier then that; the process to experiences that prepare me confidence to believe in myself; thus; no mans land; the blinding disengagement; the confusion and darkness of immaturity and un development.
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Im on the right road; but Im not their yet; Ive got basic things to work on... And those basic fears must be exposed and excepted.. and worked on.. and let go off.
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So; this box I have to work on; or work within; I must get stronger at self alignment; letting go of what does not matter; the focus of what does not matter. Letting go of it..
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I'm Taking chances to build new things; but that means having success of getting stronger in the box. And out growing the box; or more importantly; not outgrowing the box; getting connections of where Im at and connecting out of the box as soon as I get in the box... As soon as I get in the box; get out of it; get on my knees; pray and connect with as much as possible outside the box; and get out of that box. don't wait to grow out of the box; don't grow in the box; get out of that box as fast as possible; get back on the fast track; and start growing again as Im moving.

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Grow in the box; humbly; then start learning how to connect; get the connecters back inline; and move out. move out of the box; start the process of movement outside the box and get connected outside the box.
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I have to continue working on things during the day; to the best that I can; a little everyday; thats the key; just; keep at it..

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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