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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1029
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (871)
Archives
- May 2019
Thinking about moving
   Thu May 23, 2019 9:49 pm
PTSD and breaking through?
   Thu May 23, 2019 7:29 pm
i have alot more to talk about
   Sat May 18, 2019 11:49 pm
I cant remember sex
   Sat May 18, 2019 4:32 am
Somewhere in time
   Fri May 17, 2019 6:01 am
Goals of being myself again
   Thu May 16, 2019 8:36 pm
In limbo land
   Wed May 15, 2019 3:32 am
Getting fat and other things
   Mon May 13, 2019 6:14 am
Childhood horror starting to surface
   Sat May 11, 2019 12:00 am
blessings; this is stating for me; to feel blessed
   Thu May 09, 2019 7:41 pm
resentments and negative thinking
   Thu May 09, 2019 5:43 pm
Im working on stories
   Wed May 08, 2019 8:32 pm
Dissociative people write blogs
   Tue May 07, 2019 6:18 pm
Coming back; no friends
   Mon May 06, 2019 3:50 am

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A good looking women vs what you really want?

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri May 11, 2018 3:20 pm

Im completely confused; Ive not seen the benefit of some things! Whats missing?
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I would like security and safety. I do not want women around me that are the wrong women! And yet, I would like attractive women! meaning, women I deem attractive! Im just chicken to go after them.
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Things are slowly changing in my favor; Im beginning to break the ice with women in general! I have enough women around now; getting used to the idea; I wont be thrown away by them; and they are not throwing me away; their behavior is heading in the opposite direction of this. In fact; Im scared; that is what the problem is; its real chance taking! I don't know what the outcome will be; I've always been thrown away all my life! Now, Im dealing with people that smile on the outside; are defense to others, and could throw me away; I take the chance to get close to them and? they don't throw me away! And this is a trip to me! In fact, they open up more n more as I take more chances with them; freaks me out; I don't know what to think! So, Im learning! learning, learning, learning!
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In order to have a girlfriend! I have to have all of this socialization back again; I have to be back in social civilian life! Ive been devoid of social civilian life! I never had it! the few times in my life I was heading toward it; I was destroyed out of it!
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The last time I attempted social life; I was 14 years old! I was destroyed by the time I was 16; and in between was not a good thing; The first few months of popularity was working; and then it failed! I did not have any life; it was all a front; and in a few months, I could not keep up the act; soon, I feel through wholes of a throw away life and sunk like a ship! I had no stability; the kids I was running with had stability from their families; I had nothing! soon, I felt de-franchised and alien! I did not want to be anymore! I want to die; crawl up into a ball in a corner and die! I was destroyed from the inside out! I was loved by no one; no one cared that I was born, or where I was, or if they ever saw me again! Anyone from the past; never cared who I am!
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Now; things are changing; its hard to take any social chances; Im taking them! its hard; really hard! If I want a girlfriend; I have to re learn these social things; all of them; that I can have confidence around women! its that simple!

Practice; going up to women, standing in front of them and being vulnerable with my feelings.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/clinical Depression
lighter forms of agoraphobia
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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