Art is hopefully picking up; Im slowly allowing it back into my life at a seriously committed level; Im trying to commit to it; we will see; but Im hopeful I can take it seriously this time because I half want it so badly...
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I've not got too much left to develop from the past; I've brought back many things back into my life from a broken lost past. But a girlfriend eludes me; its way way way over my head; its so big; the concept of new relationships; this would mean a breaking from the past and creating true independence in the present; it means Im functioning enough to handle rejection and confidence of meeting people and moving forward and many other aspects.
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The main fear or frustration with a girlfriend is finding someone I like and trust and feel safe with; impossible so fare; no one. Ive had a few girls like me; ridiculous; wrong people. And its frustrating to move forward with them and I know nothing exists... I would not even sleep with them because I was so damn mad that I can find sex but no one to love or have a relationship with; doesn't make any sense.
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Why want sex when I know they will be leaving in the morning because it won't go any further. Sex or no sex; Im still with out the right potential person for a relationship.
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I have to meet new people and be able to be face to face with them. Social; with dissociative disorder; it's all too much.
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I spend my time at 12 step groups and most of those people if not all of them do not understand me and do not understand why I don't have a girlfriend. I've know them for years and they dont see me with a girlfriend; they even lecture me on it at times; its frustrating because Im even around these people for anything other then a 12 step meeting. The rest of my social life has not picked up yet.
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Im not alone; I know of many people with Dissociative disorder that will not allow anything close to
them or to tough them; Im the same way. And ive found no women for potential; dating; so something must change. Ive got to work with my higher power to get to higher ground or better potential.
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This is the last hurdle of my present life because theirs been no movement in this area; the reason; Id have to go to new places to meet all new people; and I dont know where that would be. in fact; Id have to have more confidence and face to face ability and their it is; so that is the next development. So; its not really about women as it is about face to face confidence. And I dont have a clue how to build that back; but maybe I do but I dont have a wing man or women on my side for that; Ill have to work with the universe on that.
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Desperation; Ive got to maybe prepare myself so I dont marry the first women I meet; marry her within 5 minutes because I want to fall into her arms and just be held and taken care of; but still that sounds so good.
Im going to have to practice positive visualizations of being with a girlfriend and women; I just did it now when I was thinking about falling into her and resting... more of that is what I need; so I can see that see that I feel safe around them is the key.
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My mother was a psychopath and that is causing the major problem with all of this; my thinking has to change from memories and flashbacks of her to something completely new within my mind and nervous system; it all scares me to death to go back into that overwhelming nightmare but I have to change within and have a new outlook on women; on life. My mind cant see intimacy; it scares me.
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Face to face confidence; asking for what I want; that kind of confrontation scares me and brings back all the horror.. all of it and I start shutting down. However, thats where Im headed if I want a girlfriend. we will see.
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As I mentioned before; No girlfriend material; that is the problem... and women I would be interested in; I dont feel qualified; I could get hurt being rejected.