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OMNICELL
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A general inventory of things..

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Dec 06, 2012 12:50 pm

IVe just gone through a major dissociative melt down.. I thought I had a stroke. I did not, it was all PTSD... I came very close to spending a week in the hospital.. It will take a few days to get through... Im beat up from the street up.

Ive been working very hard at breaking through the Dissociative condition that I become present. Not such a good Idea. Somethings are better left to God and his timing. This started because I liked this girl, and it motivated me. I wanted to reach her, or reach out to her, in order to reach out to her I had to be more present...
I had a bit of a break from reality after dealing with her the first time. I withdraw, and was mad that she did not understand how men withdraw... Now things are better. Im back... Im beat up from the street up; Im back...
---------------------------------
Allot of my past is workable. Its understood; the tortures, the traumas, the massive abandonment and neglect.. However, when I attempt to explore the last 25% of this monkey barrel, its like swimming around in chemical soup; it burns me.. It is complete dissociation with no recovery. Im a bit concerned. Its an alter that has never seen the light of day.. The pain is rapped around a roaming tiger... A tiger that never eats and can never find a place to rest his head... I am split off from myself. As I choose to awake the dissociative characteristics that they be analyzed and dismounted, a whole world emerges indicating that Im as sick as before. I have a whole broken person and history that is ruptured that has not been looked up or touched. ITs a time of horrible betrayal. Gruesome abandonment; contempt against the innocent. I would have died if I hadn't become someone else. These people that did these things were murderers... Murderers do not play games. They hate the innocent and the decent. Its all contempt. I was unprepared to deal with them. I was over ran. I never knew I was going to be attacked. I was not prepared for the ambush. These were lawless people, sociopaths.. criminal based sadists at a very worst, bad nature.

I am asleep, still asleep. I still do not appreciate my surroundings to who or what I am dealing with . Im half delusional...
Im still treated very badly by bad people. Its getting better. I think I have friends. I do not. Im around people that are taking advantage of sick people.

Its the humiliation that is hard. Its a pride thing, that I was side punched and destroyed. I had no idea I was walking into a trap, yet the signed all indicated that I should have stayed in my home town and never went to my mothers; as a teenager. I am a decent person. My mother was not a mother, she was a sociopath and had no business being around children or ever being around me again. She was all I had left. It was natural for me to want to find her and gain love from her. I had not idea who or what I was dealing with, and sadistic sociopaths do not care about my future or my upbringing or my life. they only think about themselves and getting excited by torturing others. They will kill there family members, as the sociopath is not human.

I have a whole world attached to my teenage years that has to be worked out. I have a whole world of dilution that has to be worked out. Gone through, understood. I am not able to do these things. I dissociate, therefore, Im just getting started. Im not ready to deal with or touch these things and I don't think God asked me to go in to this part of my past. I believe God is suggesting that is his job. My job is to trust him and stay out of this...

Im thinking Im the big-shot when I think I can go back into a world that satan destroyed and face satan. God is letting me know that Satan is his job, not mine. I need to bow out...

When you surrender from the battle field. The enemy is stuck in the battle field, they cannot leave, they must fight the next contender. If I bow out, I am free to leave and never come back. I win in the bigger picture of things.

I have many lessens to learn.

I loved people that tried to destroy me. I was heart sick and heart broken that they tried to destroy me. I loved them. Then it got worse. They got sadistic, indicating they were not on my side, that they were never friends of mine. They had contempt for me and anyone like me..
Im having to reverse my opinion of these people and get there positive memories out of my life.


An example of the above would be: A girl loves her father, she will do anything for him. He rapes her and leaves her on the side of the road to die.. When she awakes nothing will ever be the same for her. Her father is gone for ever, he has abandon her and could care less. She is in shock and does not have the tools to move forward. In shock she takes her life. This example is perfect. I was raped in a hundred different forms including physical... I am like the girl in this story, I am stuck in that position of not knowing what happened, or where I am, or who I am. My whole past and way of life is destroyed. The perpetrators are sociopaths who care about nothing. These sociopaths consider every decent person to be weasels. They are twisted watered down versions of the Human race.

I was never able to express my feelings when I was a young teenager. I see my mothers hand in everything, destroying everything.

I was safe as a child for a short time, a few years. My father was a rancher before I was born, women were expected to cook in be in there place... When my mother acted up, he put her in her place. No games.. However, he had no idea she was a sociopath. He begin to have trouble with her. He begin to see the reality of things.. he bolted and left my brothers and I to fend for ourselves. I never really had a relationship with him ever again.. I was in shock most of the time! and while I visited him. These people cared nothing for me or my future... They were exceptionally spoiled bad people. It breaks my heart to see them the way they really are. I wanted a decent family, for awhile I thought I had. Its traumatic destruction to realize someone else is destroying your life. These were monsters..

I have allot of work to do. It will take years to unravel all of this and feel safe again in the present.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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