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OMNICELL
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Vile hatred and anger.
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A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm

Im 57 years old; and Ive never slept with a women before or had a girlfriend. What does that really mean? It means; ive never gone out and saw a women I wanted to sleep with; hit on her and took her home and slept with her. and; I never saw a women I wanted to date; and really liked and went out with her and made her my girlfriend. That means the real me has never done this; the present me. Me in charge and happy and awake and creating my own life. Never have I done it! never! Ive never paid my rent on my own volition, Ive never owned my own house or a car; ive never bought anything for myself accept starting a few years ago; where I was taking back my life and the things I wanted; mainly. toys of some nature; telescopes; bikes; computers, plastic model kids and such..... drums.
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So; Ive never had my own car because that is a developmental issue when at the proper age; and I never bought my own car or worked for it or learned about independence at that proper age; it was all stolen from me. all of those experiences and to be present for them. Instead; I was made un-present through abuse; cut off from myself and ran around like a mindless zombie controlled by those in charge; Haters of then human race. And my father abandoned me at 9; or beginning at age 7; the perfect age for the sociopath to abandon; just after young childhood; they would create a child; use them up to 7 years old then dump them in one form or another; give them some attention for their own personal use up to age 7 then dump them; but not tell them first. So it was for me; I never had a first car experience; I thought I would; my whole life was planned with my father in mind; I was sure he would be their as I got older and help develop me; I had no idea; none that he would abandon me; suddenly; all dreams died and I died with it.. They did a good job fooling us; we were little kids; sickening; horrible horrible pain; and then I was thrown away. And here I am now ready to start it over again; sort of; Im not completely ready; I have to go from 1st grade to 2nd grade. I have to accept that; and then let the walls fall down and allow myself to come out of that broken egg into the world again; into the surrounding areas; then prepare myself and grow and get solid; and once solid; start over; dating; reading books.... and many other things; we will see what shows up; its about freedom; freedom of speech and expression; thats what its about; free talking; getting my feelings about and becoming who I was originally suppose to become.
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The goal is to become present again as that second grader and start over; and this is a bit of an art form as their is no original family; but I have the origin neighborhood I used to roam around in to walk around and reminisce about the past; but Im not their yet; meaning; Im not myself yet; but Im getting stronger; its about alignment with myself; this can be done through meditation.
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This will take some work and long hours of work. Nothing free. Im working against my nervous system that I come back out into the real world again; my nervous system doesn't like the idea. IT does not want to get better; it wants to fight and stay protected; doesn't want to open up to the world again; not after what Ive been through. unbelievable nightmare.. horror show where I was killed.
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When younger I had mental illness; starting I 5th grade because of sudden abandonment and severe abuse; by the time Im 14 Im interested in dating; what I didn't know; I was warped and mentally unstable and mentally ill and Ill get much worse... So; nothing with girls at that time will work out for me; it will be dysfunctional. I will blame myself; but it was never my fault; it will never work out for me because Im mentally ill; God knew this; I did not.
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When I tell you about a girl I loved and missed out on. it was 99% in my head; and one percent possibility; if I took that chance; when that door opened I had my chance; but if I messed it up; my chance; the door shut; and I missed my chance. What does this mean; it means a few things; My opportunity with that girl was within about a 5 minute window. And when that opportunity was gone; it was over; and I mean that; If Im still hanging out with that girl; Im creating more opportunities with her that Im not taking advantage of; nor will I ever; but I dont know this at the time; Im 2 warped. . Now; if the girl gives me 50 chances; and I take non of them; then; I better start talking; if I don't talk to her about it; its over. Start talking or start walking. It was over for me from the beginning;
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When the opportunity is over that she presents; it's over; I can't go back and expect her to honor an old open door that was open a year ago; because it was only open for 5 minutes; and if I did not take it then Ill have to go create another door to open. And so it goes round again. But if I try this 2 many times; she wises up that somethings wrong and moves along to another guy; because she can see Im sick and Im to a good bet for the future.
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So; if the girl really likes me and she is my soulmate; she will put herself in that position to be hit on by me; over n over n over; 5000 times; but if I don't take it; at some point; she will asses something is wrong; and what ever it is thats wrong; she will be gone. She wants a future and will not spend it with me.
Now; some men might say; she is not honorable; she should wait it out for me and show her obedience; well; she has already shown her obedience and I didn't take the hook. And; one of the most important issues; I have not established a relationship with her yet; so; she owes me nothing; So; I must remember; if a relationship is what I want with her; then I may have to spill my guts to her if thats what it takes if I can't do anything else; but Ive got to do everything I can to get her in a relationship first; once in one; then I can clammer about how she owes me and yell at her and get mad at her about it because she is not honoring our agreement; but if Im not in a relationship with her I have no agreement with her.
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So; as I write this; Im seeing how much women mean to me; yet; in the past; Im not following through So; mental illness plays a roll in this; its made me weak in these areas of following through.
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Mental illness and weakness; what really keeps me from relationships.
The biggest killers for relationships are feeling sorry for myself and pride. But what about mental illness; I thought that was the biggest killer; it can be; let me say to the viewer; mental illness is a hardship; their is no doubt; but one can still have success if they can join groups of people and get help.
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I've never had a girl say no to me because of mental illness; what does this mean; it means ive had women like me and they knew I was mentally ill and still liked me and still wanted to date me. They just did. I used mental illness as an excuse not to date; but the reality is; no women ever turned me down because of mental illness. Women did turn me down when my behavior was so weird and anti social they realized I was weak and could not be present; even enough to make a pass at them or ask them out; this will cause a women to run away for ever.

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I slammed the door in her face before she could come through; and then I sat on the other side of the door and screamed because she would not unlock the door and come through it and rescue me; just like my mother. I had resentments against her and me and the rest of the world; but in reality; I held the key to the door; not her. But I never told her I could open the door; I wanted her to prove what my mother never would; that she would rescue me; open the door and love me. Soon I learned the lesson; The girls I was interested in never opened the door; she left and never returned. Instead; she about faced; and got on with her life.
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When a women knows your sick; mentally ill; ; she pulls back in a specifically odd way; and never returns knowing their is no long term future.
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what if the girl knew I was in love with her; she was my soulmate; I luv'd h'r. What then; well; How did she know all this if I was not going out with her and telling her. In this specific situation; Im talking about someone I knew for a very long time with the intention of hooking up with her; and her intention also; but I was too crazy and it never happened. The point is; My only goal is to start a relationship with her; starting with dating her. After ive dated her for a while and she is my girlfriend; then I can start bitching about what she owes me because she now knows how I really feel about her..

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Im mad at her because she never followed through;
Im mad at her; she moved on very quickly with another man and now does not stare at me anymore; she turns her eyes away from me when I turn my head to the side and I look at her. I do not have an opportunity with her anymore and it hurt and it's scary. Why do I not have an opportunity with her anymore; because in the real world she must move on and find a man. And when she does; Im not it. Its over.
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Im weak; she has to know at some point;
So; Im weak; My mental illness creates a weak spot for me and she has to know this; I have to come up with strength from another area and let her know this; I must; and its pride and anger and hate and rage and outrage against everything else in the world that stops me. But she is not the reasons; so take her off the hook; and that is something that slams people who have mental illness; she is not the mother that was destroying me and she is not the mother Im trying to get back to re open a relationship with. Im trying to work out what happened with my mother with her; and she is not a psych nurse or a therapist because she's not; and she never knew she was suppose to be; and she will be gone; ghost me quickly. She will be gone. She will not play the mother Role nor the psych nurse nor the therapist; she will run away and never return.
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The big problem;
The biggest problem I face is; facing her as is and asking her out or asking her for a date as is; I want so badly to be anything other then myself; and I mean anything other than who I am; or my lack of success. Because I want so badly to show her who I am.
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The fear of getting laid; a horrible fear; or, the horrible fear; and their it is. What surrounds it; I'll try to explore; first and foremost; arrested development; Im an actual child inside. Im like 2nd grade; Slowly opening up to get help or allow something in to help me grow. It's a slow process; with the right old fashion women I would be fine. But with women the way they are today; no way. Ive had numerous ample choices of sex; but non of the women of any interest because they opened their mouths and ruined it; and their was no reasons for it to be ruined; feminism has ruined it; ruined the situation to even get close to them; I won't let them within 100 miles of me; ridiculous; But what about the women I can have sex with that are not feminists; those smarter then that.
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Sex;
So I tell this women she makes me nervous and I hit like a child; and she asked me why she makes me nervous; I tell her she's cute then clasp my hands around my face like a little boy who is shy; The next thing ya know; she's asking me when the last time ive had sex! So; getting sex is not hard. a few non direct remarks with someone; " Ive just bought a big thick hard bed" I got it for Christmas". stuff like that. and so it starts.
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Im no further ahead socially; Im no further into social circles. Im just having sex. I still haven't met my wife. And this plays upon me; bothers me. The problem is pathways.
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Pathways to my wife. I must explore the pathways to my wife firsts before I meet her; practice on them; get good on these pathways. Pathways are experience; and I need that kind of experiences; I need it bad; And then Ill find my wife at the end of that rainbow.
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wrote some of this last night.
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This is a big big problem; it's about how I feel about myself. Ive been rejected all my life when I was just myself; Im afraid of being misunderstood by women.
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When a women takes interest in me; I half turn inside; I start playing out my mother psychiatric problems that Im going to fix; Im going to use this girl to fix my mother psychiatric problems.
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Getting laid; the final answer?
It might behoove me to just go get laid and start the process; fix this one area; I've got to learn how to get laid. Brings me back into the fold of women and romance and dating and all kinds of stuff. It brings me to a place that I have to put my mother issues to the side and bring out the modern relevant issues of the present. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself to solve the problem.
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So; at that moment when it comes time to date someone; I get hit with insecure flashbacks of a past where Im not self-actualized and a feeling going thorough my head that Im not with the right person.
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It might behoove me to just learn how to get laid while I have my mental problems; I can't say it any better or harder than that. it's that simple. And it's important. Stop procrastinating and waiting for everything to be right and just go have some fun....
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Don't feel good enough as a man; can't compete; Im missing too many things; money is one of them. Career is one of them. To scary for a man; its right down his ally of insecurity. Ive been miffed by to many women that could see no value in me; Nothing; they walk right by me and see nothing; its a scary proposition.
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Nice girls;
So; why not go out with a nice girl; its a good question; I dont know where their at; I dont know; also; I have to be on a real hunt for what Im looking for. And I have to get hungry. And I might do that; I might have to; be aligned with myself for this hunt; Im not aligned yet; Im getting. closer.
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Biggest issue with me is age. Im 57 years old. Ive never had a girlfriend; never made my own money; nothing. I haven't. Never had a job I liked; or really; never had a job. not really; not as a normal person that likes himself making his own decisions. Never got through school. I was completely neglected in school; such a shame. never learned subjects; Nothing. What does that mean; I never ever used my potential. I never used my brain; I wanted nothing to do with that system; it was corrupt.
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So; ive been to. college; Ive had girlfriends and jobs; but was not present; It was almost like being a walking zombie dead prostitude; I was not present and I was defiant the whole time and not doing anything I wanted and without any plans for the future because my past had been ripped to peices at such a deep level; horrified nightmare. worst of its kind.
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What about getting laid. Maybe Ive got allot on my mind and nervous system from what's happened to me in the past and its not settled yet. Maybe it never will. be. Maybe thats causing some problems concerning getting laid. Being chicken is one of them.
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How bad do I want women in my life; part of me does not want anything to do with them; nothing; not after what Ive seen; unbelievable. On the other hand; I want a wife. And its time that the part of me that wants a wife; take over. And thats the problem; seems a part of me that is damaged is calling all the shots and Im getting nowhere in life; the other side of me has to take over; and thats what this work is all about.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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