Im starting to realize Im on to something; on to something exploring every blog about women. To explore my feelings about women and get them out; Im on to something by doing it; its the exploration that Im on to; its not " women"; its the exploration; thus; getting out all my feelings.
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When I look at developmental categories or time periods; their is a time period before women that is causing me pain and mis trust toward women. Toward all women; toward hating all women; not hate; Fear. loathing contempt? maybe; yes! fear! hatred. Combination of... hatred. ruthless hatred. Have them gone off the planet hatred. All of them... real hate at my core for being disrespected... Now Im on to something. My feelings are my feelings. I have no choice but to let them out.
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Im not sure why the hatred toward me by women. One of the reasons is; Ive never dealt with the right women. Ive never moved up the latter to better women.
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Where am I going? I may be heading up the latter to better women. Decent women of intellectual ability... Something like that; but I have to get up to speed being that person myself and being able to be me and protect myself; and thats been hard; Ive hidden.
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Why bash on women and blame them; Im just abusing them when I do that. I mean; its not their fault. Or is it? So; I have resentments I have to look at; resentments before I date women. Its possible they make me sick concerning the male choices they make; I was looked over; but more importantly then that; I was left alone and had no tribe of my own to back me up; all alone and looked over.
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I didnt care that most of the world passed me over because they were 2 stupid to see any value; go figure; nothing new here; the problem was; I was not safe in some home or situation where I could laugh at others and feel safe. I was thrown out... thrown away. No one cared.
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The way I was treated; horrible. I owe no one anything... the truth is good enough.
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Im not sure what I want; Kind people is what I want. Nice people... thats what I want.
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I have to keep working with God on these things...
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A time before women; where the hardness was manufactured. that is what I have to explore. And that is horrible stuff.... I see my mothers influence; betrayal is what I see and I hated people like her; she was worthless filth scumbag... twisted against good... pure evil. Wasn't fair that a child should be exposed to such filth. And their is the major problem. I have my beliefs and Im a decent person and dont want to have to be explored to a Bunch of filth; and I resent having to be explored to a bunch of women I dont want to be exposed to. That are not safe; thats really bothered me.
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I dont consider women safe people... However, the real human beings in any group I consider safe.
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So maybe I should put this differently; the choice people out of any group; the women out of any group that are decent people... Those are the ones Im interested in; the nice people. The rest I dont care about...
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The decent people out of any group. but ive been so exposed to the wrong people for so long; to so many of the wrong people on both side....
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Im not sure Im getting anywhere in this blog; maybe. Im bouncing on the surface; ITs a start.
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I want the choice to be around decent people and no one else. Im not sure I can afford it. I mean; I dont have the money for it. feel like im stuck. I cant be someone Im not... I have to be myself.
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So; I wont take a certain chance with women unless its safe...
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Ive tried working with God on soulmates; They are worthless. Hypergamous; monkey branching; convenience loyalty. And they never take any responsibility for their behavior; Nothing; they just claim; " Find someone that trusts you". However about; Quit being unfaithful and out of line and plenty of people will trust you.
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Im not around the right people. Thats the problem. and I dont trust anyone.
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Im not sure how Im going to be myself again; thats the answer; when Im myself I will attract others like me. So far I'm alone or the group of people I have to work with; its stagnant water.
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trying to get out this anger and hatred and rage...
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Trying to purge myself of all this hatred. This is the direction to go because its freeing me of the wrong people; Thus; freeing me to go find the right people and stay away from the wrong crowd of people.
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Allot of the complaints I have are; im not around nice safe people; I mean; thats it; the other problem has been; scum masquerading as nice people. This type of deception I was caught in when young and destroyed. And that really caused allot of overwhelming problems because I was overwhelmed; I was not loved nor around anyone that loved me or wanted to love me or that was safe; I was hated; they hated me with a contempt and I was a decent nice person... I had no business being around that. but was koax-d in. In to their world but did not know it and then I was smashed. And did not see the blow coming and I was sucker punched.
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Im still a decent person and Im around others that do not see any worth in me; or think they are better; And that is what I have to work on.
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A chance I wont take with women. So; something is missing in my life. I try to depend on women; and theirs no women relationships so I cant; and that is part of the problem. Thats whats got me really burned up inside. I have no relationships with women; and their it is.
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Whats really frustrating is; Im not around any women that see any real value in me and Im trying to change them so They will and I wont stop until they do and its not working; they turn out to betray me and I cant win. So Im more frustrated then ever. And that is part of all this. The rest of the women in the world seem elusive to me...
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And I dont think I can complete for them; that is another problem; but ive never tried. So; that is something to look at.... What would it take. Ill work with God on that...
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So; In this strange blog Im starting to get somewhere still feel like a surface dweller on all this stuff; diverting from going deep dive.
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I have to work out the dissociative loneliness of what happened to me when young; displaced as a human being when 5th grade; forth grade; thats the next thing that must be looked at; but its over my head. But it diverted me. As I write I think Im talking about someone else.. .Its like Im in another personalty right now. Ive switched because the pain of being that other person is to far reaching.
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Im on the tip of the ice burg of pain of not being wanted.
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