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A bigger handle on things

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Feb 07, 2019 8:00 pm

Im starting to get a bigger handle concerning the knockout Punches that destroyed my life.
Im trying to wake up from trauma; full levels; lethal levels; trauma that leaving me on social security for the rest of my life; and suicidal for 2/3rds of it. Im getting better. focusing on better things.
Im trying to wake up so I can live my life again; I was robbed and ripped off; thats the best way I can describe it.
The mental damage keeps me from being present; if I cant be present; How can I address anything; problems.
Ive got faces and places to deal with; specifically, bullies from 5-6 grades and 7-8-9-10-11-12 grades; and a few specific within those age times that stopped me from ever functioning again. I would like those PTSD realms; the ones Im focused into; I would like to change that focus to something more productive.
Im trying to " get into" myself within these areas. meaning; the areas of intimacy. I see are the bullies within me; as if their growing along side of me; Ive been violated.
The goal is to "get into" myself again into those intimate places, and feel comfortable within myself again; This will take work; I have massive depersonalization in these areas; so its going to be hard facing the truth about things and having the guts to get in their. Im willing; we will see; I don't want to get my hopes up; I don't want to be hurt because its to slow going! However, Ive been doing well; growing; I have to face the ugly scary faces of the past; and my sadness watching my life get snuffed out from in front of me. I want to face life and rebuilding it. I missed many years of my life; 4th grade on up to 12 grade. 1,2,3rd grade were passible; but still losses were occurring because of neglect. I began to see and feel neglect in 4th grade. I knew something was wrong; way wrong. Later, its bulling by specific individuals; no protection; nothing but fear freezing and confusion. I thought I was going to school for my future; my rights were taken from me; My God given rights and the rights in my country; from my country. And it never stopped until I was out of High school.
Notes; Just went to the dentists office; Im getting a partial for my back teeth; missing about 7 teeth. Its a red pill wake up! If I had the money; I would have not lost those teeth; mental illness lost those teeth. Now; Now that Im better; I want my teeth back; and Thank God for technology; I can get Im plants; I think; when Im ready and decided and have enough money. Or the universe brings the money because Im at the frequency of money because Ive made a decision on getting those implants.
So today; I have to go to the dentist with no money; They have all this dental stuff around and could have fixed my teeth; but no money. Its such a place of money; the dentists offices. With no money; I get nothing. Im feeling better about myself at the dentists office. Ive decoded to feel better about myself at the dentists office; I gave up trying to get others to see me my worth. No money; no worth; not in that crowd. No reason to bother trying; not with them; Not in the dentists office.
So; Im learning; Im in a learning mode; a season;
1. First; I asked the universe for what I wanted; I know what I want by what I don't want. I know why I don't want; so I know what I do want.
2. Next, the universe sends it to a special place; a holding place; sent as soon as I asked for it.
3. This step is more tricky; In this step, I have to believe Im getting what I want. I have to center what I want in my mind and believe its already here; feel it as if its already here. This takes some work. Lots of work at times; this is the big major step; and many people fall out because of the work involved to hold on long enough to complete this step; Once its been establish; My goal or desire; and its fully realized within my mind; and aligned with my soul, and the universe; I then know what I want; and make a decision on it; Im going to get that object of my desire; the one planted in my brain. Im made a decision on.
The only steps left are allowing the universe to bring it to me; I don't have to worry about "How" its going to get here. I just focus on my hearts desire.
Im working on step three in this success based process; and it takes sacrifice. Im willing and Im working on it.
All of this goal setting is great for me; for this is what I lost from the ages of 10 until adulthood. I was never really an adult; Ive been a lost drifting numb dumbed down human being. I shut everything out; reality; all things; I wanted to disappear and never come back.
So; Im in a season of creating what I want in my mind; learning to believe it; making a decision on it; and then allowing the universe to bring it to my just like Santa bringing presents down the chimney at Christmas.
I have a lot of work to do; Ive got horrible amounts of useless time periods of neglect in my life that my mind reverts back to when I thinking about setting goals; my mind is awash with the past. the problem is; it must be retrained and that takes time and can grate on my nerves. However, Im doing it.
Ive learned that everything is a goal; what ever it is I want to do; and I have a process of having success with any goal; However, I must figure out step three; centering the goal in my mind and focusing on it until I make a decision to have it; clearly in my mind; being completely present on what I want.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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