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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu May 30, 2013 9:44 pm

I suppose I will touch on several subjects..

Art: I have so much fear of involvement. I am not conferrable getting involved. Much like a person that has been raped, cant get involved in life or a relationship...

I have been raped so many times in every area that it is hard to be part of anything. However, I would like, or a part of me would like to be involved in composition...

Im listening and reading Beethoven's 5th symphony. Im wondering how long this will go on before I move on to something else. Im looking at the binary structures of dual melodies in the first sonata movement.

I need to understand opposing melodies before I start my first movement. 3 movements: 6.5 minutes for each movement..

Im at the point of exploring music ideas in the form of the symphony. Im not sure why Im not committed. However, Im not committed to anything. I am committed. Im scared. scared of defining my life. Im not sure why, except I will see that Im starting late and have allot of catching up to do. I hate that feeling of catching up. I need God while I go through this. Its not going to be easy!

My mind does not work right! this is the other problems. I dissociate all the time, thousands of times in an hour. Back and fourth. ITs a legitimate excuse to stop activity. However, Im not going to stop activity.

Im playing the victim and I have contempt. I would rather blame people and be the victim then be active in life. Well, Im struggling with this.

My first symphony requires long work. Im willing for short time period work, not long work. I want to do it all now. I do not want to spend a month on it. Im not sure why Im so compulsive. I have no choice but to slow down and let go and let God. The details must be rendered to a specific level of competence when writing a symphony. The work must be done that it strengthens the general structure of the piece.

The point is I wont do it. Im a small child fighting against identity strangulation. Im fighting all the demons and ghouls that attacked and tried to control me when young. I guess. Im just lazy I guess. I don't want to do the massive work involved. I want to sit back and have the ideas ran through the computer and have the computer do all the thinking so that I do not have to get involved. I am a lover of pleasure. And I am lazy with no interests in life. I am a dreamer who is dreaming his life away. And none of this is going to help me write this symphony. Writing 20 minutes of a classical small symphony is 600 measures of music. This is allot of music. A major symphony can be 120 pages, 1500-2000 measures. 30,000 notes. Thats allot of notes.

Im a lover of pleasure and I feel put upon to get off the couch for any length of time that I may deeply seek character to continue through the rough study of sonata form.

Im weak: Im afraid to get caught in the middle ground naked. Showing the whole world I don't really believe Im good enough to do this!. Or, Im doing it to please my parents from the past that I be a good boy! Im 12 years old and want there acceptance and approval. Yet, they are gone, never to return. Knowing this, I want to run to a room with a bed, and hide for ever and never come out. The last thing I want to do is write a symphony. Im in to much pain and grief....

I want to write a symphony for myself. Its not about anyone else. So, I have 2 sides fighting me: fighting each other..

If I could gain maturity and work on this everyday, just a little everyday that I start building something without expectations; not caring about the outcome. When I say this I see my step father ( one more weirdo my mother married) controlling me or disrespecting my space and self worth. I hate that I was subject to these weaklings. I never stopped letting them know they were in the wrong. They wanted me dead. I meant nothing to them.. any of them, and had no place to run, no place to go... Im lucky to be alive.
========

Im afraid the girl from the meetings is gone. She has always been gone. I was the one hanging on. As I gain more recovery over this, I start to let go and never return. She has already walked away with no regrets... Its as if I never met her. Possibly this is the best thing. I think this is what God wanted in the first place. he knew I was not ready for anyone like this!

I think this is the first of my relational experiences where I chose to let go and let God and say good-by, trusting that if this girl is to return, she will pop up and return. I did love her at a deep level of my heart. I know she was in love with me, but it does not seem to matter to her! And I am to decent a person for that kind of prison mentality.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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