Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
Archives
- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

85: small parts of me returning for survival

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:07 pm

PArts of me Im remembering! The younger is coming out now that I believe the coast is clear. I could never hide, my mind died. I was overwhelmed much like the guys in world war 1. There was no place to hide in the later world I lived in.

I am slowly healing, thats the best way to put it. Parts of me I remember were healthy and could cope with the surroundings independently; as a kid. Im remembering some parts of my childhood again. There is a natural part of me that is coming back to my subconscious. This recognition of self is unseen but felt. Meaning, Im getting healthier slowly and I don't know why...Another great thing is my memories of the early me, they are bypassing memories of the teenage me when I was hurt. It hurts for all of these new memories to unfold in my head. Its very difficult situation to deal with. Horror memories that have to be dealt with. What is amazing; the protector alter is bringing me out. Im not sure who the alter is in me that runs everything. I mean, I know who it is, Im not sure if it is a fragment of my original self or just a protector alter. Im not sure.

Boundaries are naturally coming back; fragmented like a ghost; and less people pleasing. Im doing a bit better around people. Much better dissociative speaking. However, Im still unable to cope with or be around people , specifically, getting to physically close to people. Every year Im closer. sometimes yards, sometimes inches. I don't know. Its up to God, Im not in control.

lately Iv'e learned that if I want to talk to someone I have to not stare at them. Instead, have a script and say hello... Im afraid of most people, as I can see through them and I know they are not safe... I need to practice. It starts with my conversation DVDs, thats the best place to start. I use to write down jokes, I will continue to do so..

Because of the PTSD, I am paranoid, and all people fair the same to me. No one is safe. Iv'e recognized this.

Im a musician who doesn't know any songs. I know no ones songs. I just create random stuff. the problem with this is: I don't have anything to sing if I want to perform. So,. Im going to get out my guitar and start writing and singing... I don't want to. Its to hard to learn and memories the words. Its such a tiring exhausting b@tch. The real fear for me is from the memories. Its the PTSD playing itself out at the same time Im attempting to build a song. Its me at 8 or 11 or 12 or 13 years old. The me I wished had had a chance; Instead its betrayal, permanent abandonment, rape, hopelessness, multiple personalities. Death, horrible war like forsaken sadness. The rope would be the only answer if I had not switched over and over into other people. So playing that guitar is triggering things just talking about it. Yet, its great, because it is freeing. Its interesting how God brings things up from the ground that I adapt. In the end I get better and learn to face more about myself. Still, it feels like Satanville.

Its possible I will start with others songs, learn them, perform them.. Its f@cking @itch for me regardless. I don't know what the big deal is, except its about putting myself out around the public, and the hard work to break in. Meaning all that work just to learn one song. Im spoiled to death I guess. Im so use to being creative with out the effort to have to stop. If I want what I want, I have to write songs, I have to make lyrics, I have to learn other peoples songs. theres no way around it. And this to me is the worst f@cking nightmare b@tch of all time. All trauma is rapped up in those formative years that I would have been creating with a guitar and song writing. I will be a f@cking nut-bar before all of this is over with.

Women:

At some point I will invite them into my life. Im still looking at ways to clean up. Make myself different, hopping they wont see the sick me.. What the F@ck. I know this wont work. I will have to keep growing, and grow into it. Take the chances when Im ready.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 6574 times

Who is online

Registered users: Baidu [Spider], Bing [Bot], birdsong87, CheckOneSibilance, EllaBlack, ForeverIndecesive, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot], MSN [Bot], Squaredonutwheels, Tyler