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Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2020
Attracting a better quality people
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Pure evil
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changing my attitude about people
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Third level; hard earned.
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Im finally starting to figure somethings out
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85: small parts of me returning for survival

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:07 pm

PArts of me Im remembering! The younger is coming out now that I believe the coast is clear. I could never hide, my mind died. I was overwhelmed much like the guys in world war 1. There was no place to hide in the later world I lived in.

I am slowly healing, thats the best way to put it. Parts of me I remember were healthy and could cope with the surroundings independently; as a kid. Im remembering some parts of my childhood again. There is a natural part of me that is coming back to my subconscious. This recognition of self is unseen but felt. Meaning, Im getting healthier slowly and I don't know why...Another great thing is my memories of the early me, they are bypassing memories of the teenage me when I was hurt. It hurts for all of these new memories to unfold in my head. Its very difficult situation to deal with. Horror memories that have to be dealt with. What is amazing; the protector alter is bringing me out. Im not sure who the alter is in me that runs everything. I mean, I know who it is, Im not sure if it is a fragment of my original self or just a protector alter. Im not sure.

Boundaries are naturally coming back; fragmented like a ghost; and less people pleasing. Im doing a bit better around people. Much better dissociative speaking. However, Im still unable to cope with or be around people , specifically, getting to physically close to people. Every year Im closer. sometimes yards, sometimes inches. I don't know. Its up to God, Im not in control.

lately Iv'e learned that if I want to talk to someone I have to not stare at them. Instead, have a script and say hello... Im afraid of most people, as I can see through them and I know they are not safe... I need to practice. It starts with my conversation DVDs, thats the best place to start. I use to write down jokes, I will continue to do so..

Because of the PTSD, I am paranoid, and all people fair the same to me. No one is safe. Iv'e recognized this.

Im a musician who doesn't know any songs. I know no ones songs. I just create random stuff. the problem with this is: I don't have anything to sing if I want to perform. So,. Im going to get out my guitar and start writing and singing... I don't want to. Its to hard to learn and memories the words. Its such a tiring exhausting b@tch. The real fear for me is from the memories. Its the PTSD playing itself out at the same time Im attempting to build a song. Its me at 8 or 11 or 12 or 13 years old. The me I wished had had a chance; Instead its betrayal, permanent abandonment, rape, hopelessness, multiple personalities. Death, horrible war like forsaken sadness. The rope would be the only answer if I had not switched over and over into other people. So playing that guitar is triggering things just talking about it. Yet, its great, because it is freeing. Its interesting how God brings things up from the ground that I adapt. In the end I get better and learn to face more about myself. Still, it feels like Satanville.

Its possible I will start with others songs, learn them, perform them.. Its f@cking @itch for me regardless. I don't know what the big deal is, except its about putting myself out around the public, and the hard work to break in. Meaning all that work just to learn one song. Im spoiled to death I guess. Im so use to being creative with out the effort to have to stop. If I want what I want, I have to write songs, I have to make lyrics, I have to learn other peoples songs. theres no way around it. And this to me is the worst f@cking nightmare b@tch of all time. All trauma is rapped up in those formative years that I would have been creating with a guitar and song writing. I will be a f@cking nut-bar before all of this is over with.


At some point I will invite them into my life. Im still looking at ways to clean up. Make myself different, hopping they wont see the sick me.. What the F@ck. I know this wont work. I will have to keep growing, and grow into it. Take the chances when Im ready.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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