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- June 2021
Problems with women
   Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:00 am

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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Jul 14, 2012 4:28 pm

In about 6 months I will be better. Dissociation and Stress levels are the biggest mind bender away from reality; all CPTSD based. Im a fairly lucky guy, as the symptoms from this anxiety based disorder go down, my head clears and I can feel again. I could feel nothing a few years ago. I was a sociopath from all of my conditions a few years ago. I could not remember anything a few years ago. That was a few years ago, this is now. I was under the sea of reality a few years ago. Im walking on the beach these days. Im stumbling around in the sun and sand trying to understand all of this. The last thing I remember I was watching Giligans Island on TV; not the reruns, the original series. Same for the Star Trek and Flipper. Now Im here. What happened. I got robbed of my life. Im extremely fortunate or lucky to have come back. I still have 30 years left.

I have the full condition; its not fully in my conscious mind. That is an amazing thing. I can feel it in my subconscious, I can feel it all over my body; in my nervous system. My mind is a 10th strength wise of the average person. Just a few trauma blows and Im out. Everything slows down and I become autistic in nature; I have to dissociate to survive. I cant think, I have to be led. I cannot function for myself. Its like being controlled in a nazi prison camp.


The people around me have called me a lier, no good, selfish user, living of everything from cantaloupes to the state agencies. Ive been humiliated, spat on , attacked, crucified; all because I am myself. And this is after SSI... I know that in a few years I will no longer care what other people think. I will be myself with this Stress disorder; hopefully it will never get out of hand from trauma shells like before. I hope that doesn't happen again. Im older now and now some things. Before I was an abused innocent unkowning terrified kid who was about to loose his life. I didn't know what to do. I had no support of any kind from the beginning. The only thing I had was my wits and my fantasy bond; this would not be enough; for children are not suppose to be slain by the system they live in. Im an American citizen and I was disrespected and destroyed by my own people, my own family system; thrown away by others, ridiculed abused and thrown out. In a state of severe trauma; after being raped, terrorized, debased, physically assaulted and groomed and abandon, my mind went out on me and did not return. No one asked a question about my life or my condition. I had no value of any kind to anyone.. What bothers me; the poor children that come after me that will experience the same thing. What do they have to look forward to; the rope! They will not survive it.

In a few years I will be married. As for work. Hmm. I doubt it. Not in this work based system. I am learning to live again and express myself at some things. Telescopes, drums, mountain biking. Im Ok with stuff that expresses out; things that relieve the condition. As soon as a wall goes up and I cant express myself Im through. I have to leave. I have no staying power, the anxiety levels shoot through the roof.

More and more I will get rid of people from my presence that don't count and concentrate on my wider interests of practice. All is practice.

Forgiveness is still important as well as resentment work; I use the 4th step from 12 step groups to help with that.

I pray for all the people that have killed themselves; all that were thrown away from society. All that were thrown away from the people of there societies. Those did nothing to anyone, they were just born at the wrong time in the wrong space. Poor people. I know what its like when ones life is over. It is a grueling nightmare. The worst of sadness.

To send children to the rope is an act of organized murder by the people of that society. When one 15 year old hangs themselves because they've been raped to many times, it is the members of that society that have planned it and carried it out. As those members wanted to live as they wish. In order to live as one wishes in western societies, sacrifices must be made. Just as in the time of Montezuma and his heart ripping sacrifices, so American has hers.

My biggest problems at date or

1. full load PTSD Stress; always on. The cup is always full.
2. General dissociation disorder: this heals with time I think. Ive found this so fare.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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