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OMNICELL
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Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Im still to young
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83

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Jul 12, 2012 7:42 am

I have a stress related condition. When its overboard, it turns into high end dissociative disorder. When symptoms are down it turns into a stress related disorder. All disabling for interaction with the outside world.

I will have to relearn how to deal with the outside world when interacting with it under this stress.

The stress glass is always full and over flowing. Its stays on 24 hours a moment. Im Ok, Im used to it until I get triggered. Triggered is being responsible for something outside myself. I can handle spontaneous moments of expression; if I feel safe. And I have to practice feeling safe, and I never feel completely safe.

Dealing with people, or , having relationships is the hardest thing for me. Or, I will say, starting relationship; very difficult.
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Women are attracted to me! Im at the point that I may take some of them out for coffee. ITs been a long long time.. So long that I have no idea how women are going to react to my personal life. I am scared to death to let anyone get involved with me.. I don't need the stress involved in dysfunctional. I do need and want the relationships. It is normal to have relationships with people. I live in an abnormal world and I forget this at times.

Im attempting to understand that I have no control over the outcome when letting others into my life. I can ask for what I want, that is as much control as I have. Once I ask, Im putting myself out into the vast oceans.
I have been treated very badly in my life by all these monkeys out here in LA LA land. Im beginning to wake up and understand they are all mindless monkeys and nothing more, if I expect anything more from them, that is my fault. Yet, I need relationships with people. Man was not meant to be alone. And " not alone" means; intimate relationships....

Most people Ive associated with in this life required outside performance status as a key to my worth. I could never live up to " status",. so I gave up... I felt it despicable that someone would except something from me with out first inquiring who I am and what Ive been through. I found the whole affair an affront to decency. This will not stop me. No one owes me anything, I have no control over anything. The faster I can understand this unfair approach to life, the better off I will sustain in reality.
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Music; a very important aspect for my mental health. I like to write songs, I don't always like to write them down.. I don't like the board'm associated with that aspect of song writing... Im scared to write them down and finish them.. I would be moving from amateur to something more. Something I want, something Im interested in; something Im scared to death of. Lots of blocks in this. Lots of anger and phobias. I will keep working towards it, I have an idea; what if I make a list of what it would look like in a positive way when finishing these songs and performing these songs.. What would that look like in a positive way.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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