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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Things continue to change
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the strange world of getting better did
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This is not going to be easy.
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Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
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Something positive is happening
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The Beatles
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A place exists
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Things are changing again
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Things are heating up; Im now backing down
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I have CPTSD
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Coming back into the present
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Fining myself or facing myself
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Visualizing
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Starting from the beginning
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The trap house part 2
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The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
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Massive Mega paradigm shift
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First post recovery conversation
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Dating and Art
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movement
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childhood abandonment
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Being single
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Preview: PTSD; High School
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Fear
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Ive found some answers
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D.I.D; let me introduce myself
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PTSD; dealing with triggers.
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Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
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Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
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critical voice
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Toxic shame
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Ive found some answers
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57 piecing things together

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Apr 29, 2012 10:31 pm

Im slowly allowing my self to trust God as I am pulled forward. As motion is created, I heal bits at a time. The healing is starting on the outside, not the inside. I feel a bit safer then before. Im beginning to be spontaneous with people, from a distance. In addition, Im working with the drums more and more. Ive started practicing again. Real practice; very beginning practice. Ive been riding my mountain bike harder; more jumps. Ive started artwork ; drawing again. A basic 2D animation program has been procured. Im hoping I work with the program long enough to develop basic drawing and animating skills. I was to sick in the past for such interactions or commitments. However, things are changing. Im on that edge of change. This edge will last for a long while. This is not a momentary condition; its a real change. Im scared to death. If I go back to, or am able to creep back to, the land of the living, what will be different this time?. Everything has to be different; I cannot be the same person or I will be hurt again and again.

The Past:

I continue to look at horrific past relationships. In fact, I was going to write about my first love again: I will write about her later. That subject will continue to be brought up for many moons.

Relationships have a theme; disastrous. I must work for change. My relationships were a mesh of mistaken identity:
I like them, I loved them, I valued them; they had no value for me. I didn't know they did not like me, I didn't know I had no worth or interest or respect. Henceforth, from these people I received upper middle class lies; from all. I didn't know, I thought I was loved, I thought I had friends ; a best friend, girlfriends. I was hated from the beginning, I was used, I had no friends, it was all conditional. I had no idea who I was dealing with. I was thrown away by upper middle class elitism. I would trust rapists in the local prison more then these people Iv'e mentioned above. Evil is a horrible thing, the worst thing on earth. I can forgive all, and I do forgive everyone for everything. The problem; these were not people, they were vampires. Its hard to for give demons in the shape of humans. I will forgive all!. I forgive all people.

I have been thrown away by all of the people I have known. All except?, Hmm.. Im thinking?
Im alone now, so, I assume I'm correct in saying ; No one has stayed by my side except God!. This includes all family members except one, and a niece and nephew. However, my niece and nephew have been told about there crazy uncle.This is all about hatred. I have not backed down to these people. It is not alright that others die that these people, the subjects of this blog, live as they wish. And this concept will not be changing from my opinion bank, regardless of who comes and who goes.

I must study the past; specifically relationships and ask; what went wrong.

I am an honorable respectable individual. There is no reason for what has happened to me. Im in a society of spoiled worthless inhuman morons. When the behavior becomes real abandonment, permanent abandonment; murder is the only assertion.

Can anyone be trusted?
Last edited by OMNICELL on Mon Apr 30, 2012 4:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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