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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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54

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Apr 19, 2012 3:26 pm

Im horrified that I had a mother.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Im horrified that I fell in love with _____.

I loved _____, Im not sure what went wrong.

I loved _____. She just didn't get it.


Just because people need. Doesn't mean they need me. When Im the perfect match for her, When I would stay with her the rest of my life, when Im an honorable man that would love her with all of my heart. They responded:

1. Weakling
2. He meant nothing to me
3. Not enough money

I loved each one of these girls. I was not good enough. Im the best person that will ever cross their path. And the best person they had ever seen.. When will the stupidity of this general stop. When?

Weakling: Denotes someone that actually sees the others inner self and values that inner self. However, I simply don't have a truck or money.

He meant nothing to me: The viewer is in love with the girl. The viewer is honorable/upright/bright/real/honest/decent. The viewer does not have enough money/status/social positioning/popularity . Therefore, the viewer is looked at with contempt. No questions are asked. The viewer is thrown aside for another. My friendship means nothing to the person. Has no value.

Not enough money: contempt for those that rely on character. Suggesting one is greater then God, and only attracting those that are greater then the god ideal. Those looking and who believe they have found " real power on earth"..... They " got it going on". There looking for Gods, Gods that will knowledge Gods. "Im a God", "Your a God", "Lets worship each other". I don't want or cannot partake in this type of philosophy.

-------------------------

I gave up dating when I was very young. I was a decent person in a very indecent world. I just wanted friends. I wanted someone to love. Horrified and crippled and confused from the confusing interacts with women, with anyone, I hid myself away. I did not know what to do. The equation could not be broken. I was an honest decent person that was not wanted. I will explain this in a deeper way in a different Blog. I will write more on this later.

The people ( women of interest, and anyone I tried to get close to) were despicable. It didn't matter what walk of life they were from. I was treated with such disrespect and contempt I gave up. I had no choice. I was stunned by the interactions that I had witnessed. I was shocked by the utter callousness of people.I simply did not know what to do.

If I looked like I had money, I was in. When they found out I had no money, I was out.

I gave up on women, not because I wanted to. Because no matter how hard I tried,I was not good enough. they taught me to give up. I was taught that a decent honest man was laughable and not wanted. No wall was left to climb, all doors had been shut. It seemed that their was always conditions to knowing someone. Nothing was authentic, nothing sacred. In confusion I had no choice. I gave up. I as an honest man, was of no interest. I looked up to God and through my hands in the air. He looked at me " Im so sorry, Ill buy a truck or something and make it up to you. Im so sorry, I never planed it this way!".


----------------------------

I plan to date again.

First Im going to dump all the stuff I can about my past and pain and everything else.. Get it out, keep going..

Im scared to death that Im not enough. That being nice isn't enough. I know how to attract women. It doesn't matter. It seems nothing but a game of charades.

Im not sure what to do. I feel like Im from another planet with a different set of values. I cannot live up to the most basic of interests that women want. I would have to lie about everything. I don't want to lie to anyone. I just want to be myself.

I would like to be esteemed for my true worth. I don't know what to do.

I can attract a thousand women if I want . Whats the point. When the suit comes of and is replaced with normal clothing, when the expensive shined exotic boots or shoes are replaced with regular shoes, when the hair is not perfect, when Im not acting the perfect stud role. What do I do. I as myself am of no interest to anyone. Its as if its all superficial. When I am found to have problems and depth, the girl is gone. Its always been this way... Why can I not be a human being. Possibly I have something wrong with my thinking. Possible I am assuming that a women wants a man for a relationship. Probably not. They want the typical leader/show emotions/protector of family, loved ones. What about me. What about the real me. When does the real me come out.

IVe been hurt beyond comprehension in this world, and have all the right to stay to myself. This world has been to much for me. Iv'e been ripped apart, and destroyed several times. No Rhyme or reason for others treating me this way. No reason except I would not conform. I refused. I chose to stay as myself; not fit into the group,. This almost cost me my life.

Back out to life I will go, out into the world and have relationships. I have no idea what Im doing, except to understand that I will be doing allot of talking and explaining, listening and getting abandon.

Here we go again!!!!
Last edited by Twinkling Butterfly on Sun Apr 22, 2012 11:11 pm, edited 7 times in total.
Reason: It is unsafe to use the names of real-world acquaintances in public blogs.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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