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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
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- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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4 reactions to CPTSD

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Mar 25, 2019 5:33 am

I can relate with the 4 reactions of CPTSD. Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn; fawn being codependency; I become codependent on the abuser; and I've done that many times. over n over n over; too many times; did not have the strength to get away from the bullies I became codependent with them; Almost like a marriage; abusive husband; codependent wife; I played the codependent wife part with bullies I did not know; sickening relationship; what do I mean by relationship; I'm talking about predator to victim relationship. So; I've got a lot to learn about how to stand up for myself getting help to change the way I act; stop being passive. it's hard being anything other then what I know; sunken and passive.
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I'm interested in doing psych work; getting the help I mean, for these areas of interactions with others. I've studied some recent material concerning CPTSD; I think I talked about this in another blog here.
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The point is; my social skills have been improving, and I can see real concerns for getting over the bullying of my past; I've got recorded tapes in my head of past events that cause avoidance when talking with others, and I want it to stop; I'm assuming I'll have to get outside help for this; I don't know yet.
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The point is; I'm getting closer to having my life back; if I can get those past PTSD memories out of my head and replace them with something new; life can move on, processed and move forward. I'm doing better; I'm still mental from the dissociative condition; However, I would like to move forward.
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I can't interact with women, or show any confidence; why? the 4 reactions; I can't overcome them yet. I'm weak. when I see a woman I like; I go beta male; well; that's not fair and not true; it has nothing to do with strength; it has to do with PTSD, and my personality begins to collapse as the flashbacks slam through my system.
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I can't walk up to women and expect her to save me; this is not her business; its the therapists business; I've finally understood this.
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So, I have a lot of the past to process; the good news is; I know its a lot of unprocessed information from the past; it does not represent my worth; its information floating around like a lake; its like having a giant lake of old memories unfulfilled or processed; it just sits their drowning me.

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Its hard to work through the bulling aspects of the past; I may need help; my system overrides me; causes avoidance when I attempt to deal with the bullying; One reason; I had no knowledge of a second plan to deal with the bullies; I never had a first plan to deal with the bullies. So, my head locks up; It can't figure a way out. However, the universe is now showing me new possibilities of how to handle things of the past; but it's far fetched for reality; impossible. I would have to except a complete family system makeover and life; new friends, new neighborhood, new family, new identity, new social interactions; new everything; impossible realistically speaking for the time; However, for the sake of intellectual information that expands my mind to a place of safety; this is fine. The point is; I can hardly handle new thoughts dealing directly with the flashbacks n pain of the past situation; I'm willing to do it because I want to change. I want my mind back; I want myself back; I don't want the past hijacking me anymore; I want to move on because I want my life back; its heartbreaking for me to move on; the child in me wants to go home; and that home resides of undeveloped child information; that child had all those dreams of the future; and I never had a clue it was all stolen from me before I ever got started in life; and I never got started in life for that was stolen also. I was stolen goods from the day I was born; stolen from God and trampled to death. used and buried alive.
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The point is; movement; or progressive recovery in this area; there is movement and I want it to continue.
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The goal now; getting the help I need; Today; I had 4 social interactions; several meetings; a dinner and church. And a few longer personal conversations with people at public places; here's the point; its all social interaction; and it takes skills; I'm getting better and I'm less dissociative!
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I remember a time I would talk about my problems and how I was lost and needed help; not now; now I talk about politics; My personal stuff never gets brought up; never; because I don't have to much personal stuff to talk about anymore.



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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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