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Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2020
emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
   Thu Nov 26, 2020 7:11 pm
Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
   Wed Nov 25, 2020 7:52 am
The work is over my head; but thats OK
   Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:35 am
Wont let the people I love into my life...
   Tue Nov 17, 2020 5:45 am
Social and feeling worthy
   Mon Nov 16, 2020 4:21 pm
Loving myself for real
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 5:15 pm
Moving onward
   Fri Nov 13, 2020 1:29 pm
And her vision keeps getting closer
   Wed Nov 11, 2020 11:19 am
On moving on and creating a new life
   Sun Nov 08, 2020 9:53 pm
Breaking the dating barrier
   Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:22 pm
Back to the drawing board with women
   Thu Nov 05, 2020 2:53 am
Changes are occurring; still isolated and lonely
   Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:13 am

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4 reactions to CPTSD

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Mar 25, 2019 5:33 am

I can relate with the 4 reactions of CPTSD. Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn; fawn being codependency; I become codependent on the abuser; and I've done that many times. over n over n over; too many times; did not have the strength to get away from the bullies I became codependent with them; Almost like a marriage; abusive husband; codependent wife; I played the codependent wife part with bullies I did not know; sickening relationship; what do I mean by relationship; I'm talking about predator to victim relationship. So; I've got a lot to learn about how to stand up for myself getting help to change the way I act; stop being passive. it's hard being anything other then what I know; sunken and passive.
I'm interested in doing psych work; getting the help I mean, for these areas of interactions with others. I've studied some recent material concerning CPTSD; I think I talked about this in another blog here.
The point is; my social skills have been improving, and I can see real concerns for getting over the bullying of my past; I've got recorded tapes in my head of past events that cause avoidance when talking with others, and I want it to stop; I'm assuming I'll have to get outside help for this; I don't know yet.
The point is; I'm getting closer to having my life back; if I can get those past PTSD memories out of my head and replace them with something new; life can move on, processed and move forward. I'm doing better; I'm still mental from the dissociative condition; However, I would like to move forward.
I can't interact with women, or show any confidence; why? the 4 reactions; I can't overcome them yet. I'm weak. when I see a woman I like; I go beta male; well; that's not fair and not true; it has nothing to do with strength; it has to do with PTSD, and my personality begins to collapse as the flashbacks slam through my system.
I can't walk up to women and expect her to save me; this is not her business; its the therapists business; I've finally understood this.
So, I have a lot of the past to process; the good news is; I know its a lot of unprocessed information from the past; it does not represent my worth; its information floating around like a lake; its like having a giant lake of old memories unfulfilled or processed; it just sits their drowning me.

Its hard to work through the bulling aspects of the past; I may need help; my system overrides me; causes avoidance when I attempt to deal with the bullying; One reason; I had no knowledge of a second plan to deal with the bullies; I never had a first plan to deal with the bullies. So, my head locks up; It can't figure a way out. However, the universe is now showing me new possibilities of how to handle things of the past; but it's far fetched for reality; impossible. I would have to except a complete family system makeover and life; new friends, new neighborhood, new family, new identity, new social interactions; new everything; impossible realistically speaking for the time; However, for the sake of intellectual information that expands my mind to a place of safety; this is fine. The point is; I can hardly handle new thoughts dealing directly with the flashbacks n pain of the past situation; I'm willing to do it because I want to change. I want my mind back; I want myself back; I don't want the past hijacking me anymore; I want to move on because I want my life back; its heartbreaking for me to move on; the child in me wants to go home; and that home resides of undeveloped child information; that child had all those dreams of the future; and I never had a clue it was all stolen from me before I ever got started in life; and I never got started in life for that was stolen also. I was stolen goods from the day I was born; stolen from God and trampled to death. used and buried alive.
The point is; movement; or progressive recovery in this area; there is movement and I want it to continue.
The goal now; getting the help I need; Today; I had 4 social interactions; several meetings; a dinner and church. And a few longer personal conversations with people at public places; here's the point; its all social interaction; and it takes skills; I'm getting better and I'm less dissociative!
I remember a time I would talk about my problems and how I was lost and needed help; not now; now I talk about politics; My personal stuff never gets brought up; never; because I don't have to much personal stuff to talk about anymore.


Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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