Bored; I like Facebook because of the groups... Lots of trauma based groups I can comment on posts and make all kinds of posts about how Im doing today or this week; its great. But if I make one comment that is from a reality based perspective that goes against the leftest regime; Im out into FB Jail. Ridiculous.
Ive ready started posting on other platforms besides FB; posting my feelings of everyday life. So; We will see if God will bring me what I want to attract; something new; some place new besides Fake-Book; Then I wont have to go back... But its been amazingly good for my recovery; all the mental health communities from those groups... I forgot; I can always come here and write comments to posts as well; Ill start doing that again...
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I never had a work ethic. I tried to escape when young. Thats all I wanted to do in order to save myself.. Thats all I was ever really doing. Then at first grade; I knew something was wrong. I was 2 free... I mean; no one was helping. I remember in nursery school; I was suffering from anxiety problems.
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I remember in 4th grade is when it really started; I was totally thrown away and lost. By the time I was 9 I was aware of the monsters in the house I was living and that life was over as I had known it or dreamed about it; their was no safety or anyone looking out for me; all things had been a lie; all of it; the whole way of life; the neighborhood the relatives; everything; I was no part of anything and no one ever did care about me; who I was or if I was alive... everything disintegrated before my eyes and I was dragged through massive trauma that caused PTSD and dissociation. And later the house would be sold out from underneath me by the psychopaths. I would be excommunicated by all friends in the neighborhood; that means I never had any in the first place. And later in life when I saw them; they were rich snob sociopaths; unbelievable; not all of them; some where just rich snobs who treated me completely wrong. They had no idea who I was; but made it clear I would never be in their presence ever again...
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The point of all this;
I never learned a work ethic. It matters not ever if I worked; I was forced to do all things against my will; thats the way it was and felt. And I could never function... I just wanted to go to war or die.
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So;
Now; I've created a new vision board. On it is relationships; car; vacation. money and art. Those are the things I want to develop. Im using the laws of attraction for such things.
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I was never able to develop when young; I went strait into trauma and stayed their.
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This is the first time on my own for all of these things.
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I was 2 young to go after anything or step out on my own; to damaged; never developed it. never! So; Ive been in an anxiety ring or force field of limited belief functions.
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So; all those things on the vision board are a new me; attempting new things on my own with the help of modern people in the here n now.
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A gap resides. I would like to wait on God concerning money; wait on God and keep working with God concerning money. Imagine it is coming to me... I know what that means to me and between me and God but no one else... Its private.
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So; a working solution concerning money between me and God.
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The issue with women; part of it is solved... Ive been practicing walking up to women I know; asking them to sit with me and talk and they have been; this cures the problem I had when a young teenager wanting to move forward with the girl up the street; talk to her and open up to her; but I never did... And I lost her...
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Money is a different story. Ive never gone out with the idea of earning my own money for something like a car... Thats a huge step.
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I would like to create art again. Ill keep working with God on it so I can stay and feel safe. I always see the bulling sociopaths from when I was a teenager... I never feel safe or the sexual abuse and where I was forced to live day after day after day. No safety; nothing.
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and Im feeling more of it now at meetings by thugs and others at those places.
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Im around some women that Ive prayed about; God has said; dont go within a mile of them. I got it; I understand the message... Dont fight with them or talk to them; or allow them to abuse me verbally with male cut downs or male shaming nonsense....
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I would like to go back to the vacation spot I visited as a kid but only when God says so... Im wanting to learn how to trust God for everything and wait for the go ahead...
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