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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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30 years

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Nov 29, 2011 3:19 pm

For thirty year or more, more like 35, my mind has been gone.

A few years ago I began remembering things. I remembered very little before that.. My mind was protecting itself and had other things to deal for that 30 years. I was in a giant cloud of dissociation. I walked into the cloud has a teenager and never came out., now, its like waking up off a couch and all I can think about is right before I went into the cloud. I want to do the things I was thinking about before the cloud took me. Or before I started wondering in it.

and I slowly am coming out of the cloud now at 49. I don't know how I feel about it. Rage, loneliness, sadness. confusion. Fear. Happiness. exhilaration. I don't know. Im grateful to get some peace. Im wondering what happened to 2 thirds of my life. Who am I. Where am I. Who do I blame. I never wanted this. I never asked for it. Dissociative disorder saved my life.? It killed me numerous times. It is better now. Im still very confused all the time and wondering what happened to me. Its like being in a car wreck. Is just a start, most of my past is still gone. Ive barely seen some of the memories of my past life. or past lives. One thing is clear. Im all alone through most of it. Their are no people taking care of me. Just people attacking me or abandoning me. Blind siding me. They hate me, All of them in every direction...

Why did I come to this small town. I was forgotten 40 years before. Their was no one here anymore. Just my memories of childhood. Yet, childhood was 40 years ago. Its seemed like 5 minutes had past. It was 5 minutes ago. Their seems no recollection of time.

I had dreams as a kid. And remember going into a cloud and now this. Now Im here writing on this forum. I don't feel any loss of time because it was never me driving the boat. The DID stuff fits in here. I know all of that time is gone. I don't feel any of the loss of memory because that aspect was numbed out as well.. So the whole thing is confusing. Like waking up from surgery. surgery didn't bother me a bit. I wasn't awake. I know their was time loss. I went to sleep, I woke up in the recovery room and went home. Something happened in the time I wasn't present. It was the surgery. Its the same for the last 30 years of my life.

I didn't even remember who bought my cloths. Where did I eat. I know I had money at times, or lived somewhere at someones house. I know more now. At the time I was working on this problem with the therapist, I knew very little. I didn't even know how or why I came to the town I did. IT was my home town. Their was nothing left of my past. IT was like being at any small town. Most of the locals I grew up with wanted nothing to do with me when they heard I had problems. Or they thought I was lazy or strange. I don't know. I think most normies feel that way about people they don't understand.

My mind has been active dysfunctional inside itself. I have no outside. I was dragged along by another personality. A protecter personality. I should be dead.

Im outraged by what happened. Im glad Im not wondering in that park all day creating pictures of guillotines and writing about how to kill myself.. And those memories are 25 years old, and they seem like 15 minutes ago.. My brain is still not transferring information correctly. And it wont for a long time.

The original family system I came from wanted to destroy me. Kill me off. Get rid of me... I had no idea these people were of this nature. I didn't know. I thought they were normal people. The fantasy bond I created and reality were 150% in the opposite direction..

The family system I came from caused most of this. The rest is the community of Christian middle class that destroy everything they can get their hands on in-order to get that money. They destroy every relationship that they come in contact with to get that money.

My goal is to slowly wake up, deal with the pain and attempt to except reality the way it is and move on.
Last edited by OMNICELL on Tue Nov 29, 2011 3:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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