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OMNICELL
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2 of me

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Feb 13, 2021 4:53 pm

I have dissociative disorder; but I also have a second kind of issue right now; dr jekyll and mr hyde; The victim vs the Hero possibly; or the functioning person.
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Im 2 people right now trying to topple one of them to become the other. Im seeing the clear fight and the problem.
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The solution to my problems lies within this Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. 2 people; the angry victim vs the progressive solid confident person of successful nature. I have both trying to fight to keep supremacy.
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The successful person is putting up more of a fight these days against the other parts of me; He is becoming the main host.
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Here is an example of both sides.
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I was thinking about this women I liked;
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The victim; I like her; also she went out with this other guy; I still like her.
The successful guy; Move on; shes not worth my time; She does not like me and never did; this whole thing is a game; move on.... There was never anything their in the first place but false looks and manipulation while shes actually going out with someone else she is not telling anyone about; or I was unaware of.
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The point is. The confident person sees the red flags and moves on... the victim in me wants to stay the underdog. The confidence person knows these people are not safe; the girl that likes me... or liked me or faked like she liked me; thats a better example.
The girl that I thought liked me; The victim; She likes me. The confident man; She is faking it; she does not like me; its nothing but a masquerade; all of this. Its fake. Run; get out now...
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When I write about the Confident man suggesting; Run; Get out now; The victim Alter wants to take over; and I mean; take over. I mean; it takes over; takes over my emotions and nervous system. Im now training myself to have the host take over; and thats what Im working on. Its not easy; its like dr jekyll and mr hyde.
The confident person is conservative and wants to keep his values; my values; I want to keep my values... The victim wants to be loved and wants to see everyone as a nice person sent to love them. And this is not true; nice people were not sent to love me; that is not true. Im making that B_llsh_t up. Their are no nice people that are trying to love me. I have scary people trying to manipulate me and pull me in and that is all; but I want to remain asleep and allow the spiders to crawl all over me as if they are my friends; How did I ever get into a situations where I thought they were my friends in the first place.
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So; in the long run of things; God will bring me back slowly gaining the experience I need.
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I can see visualization is an interesting quest to open up possibilities. To reconnect with self.
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Im having to let go of the past; move forward again. Ill keep working with God...
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The key is; the adult me; the one making the decisions is the one I want as host; I want personal power over my life; I dont want to be stopped because Im sensitive to every single detail of problems.
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Allot off what I talk about is letting go of the trauma bond with my mother; a massive massive horrible onslaught of murder... thats all it was; I was being murdered...
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Im slowly; or God is slowly teaching me how to come out of this.. the techniques that I can become whole again with myself. When dealing with a real psychopath; sadistic; a human being is sacrificed to death...lts not uncommon for someone to be so trauma bonded for life that; separated from themselves that they never function again... They were trying to bury me; put me to sleep permanently; it was all a form of torture; thats all it was; sadistic torture against children... My father did the same thing; suddenly turned on the family and claimed I did not belong to him; but I belonged to the psychopath... of course; this was instant death for me when he left... I had no one to protect me... that protection didnt mean suddenly I got knives shoved through me. Psychopaths have sinister goals; they dont have to do things to end up in jail; not the smart ones... They eat anything that is in front of them; meaning humans. Anything in proximity they destroy.
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As I mentioned before; Im using visualization to make love to a women; to help with the concept of touching. To work into the idea of it; dissociative disorder keeping me from it.
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I had sexual fantasies that started up in the 6th grade about my mother. It was normal curiosity for a child that age; the beginning of sexual development. But I was in a horrible situation where I was completely shut down as a human being; so I dont know the effects of that environment on my condition. Later sexual abuse when I had to live at a new location.
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One of the things Im not seeing; Im slowly forcing the visual to go really really slow and actually see my hands and body in intimacy with someone else. in other words; I can visualize a girlfriend; but could not visualize getting close to her physically; so God is directing this to change.
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Everything is a damn flashback. Im getting hit with a hundred of them trying to stop my visualization of intimacy. The child abused part of me has to ask the abusers if its Ok for me to visualize; And this is going on inside me... I want the adult to take over and do what ever is needed to get better.
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My God; Ive got problems with physical intimacy with women; its unbelievable; anything with women. its horrid fear feelings of someone else's beliefs; not mine; its like I have undermining beliefs. My life; Damn this sucks! I want my life back; Who the hell is owning me; Ive had enough of this... Its like Dr jekyll Mr Hyde. One part wants women and sex; the other part is the sexually abused person who only takes orders from the abusers and they have not given any permission to like women yet or any other feelings about sex; its taboo; im suppose to act or feel like im 6 years old and controlled; even tho I was twice that age when I was forced to go through it.
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Anyway. This thing with women; its just unbelievable; Hatred? Concern? Safely? Hatred? Contempt for my mother"; blaming my mother for putting me in this situation in the first place; to be destroyed. And these feelings have to be dealt with. And I think visualization old relationships so they end in happiness is a good start for me. it brings me together within myself.
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Not feeling attractive for any women; not feeling im good enough; not feeling worth anything with women; nothing; Thats closer. Fear; concerning all women. And this means I have to stay present when dealing with women so the adult in me is present and not the broken child making decisions.
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I know I want this to stop; I want the adult to take over.
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Im afraid to be present with people... not dissociate up close. Im scared to death because I think death will result... I trust no one.
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One area of real concern is treachery and betrayal. I want to go out with someone who needs me and wants me; but I dont want them changing their mind on me and humiliating me. Ive been humiliated to many times when very young; over n over n over destroyed. I dont want someone like that around me . But; if Im present; does it matter; Ill deal with it if Im an adult.
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Sexual abuse is a hard thing to work on; getting to the core... I dissociate.
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Id like to get to the point of handling being present when dealing with people.
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I dont know how to get rid of this pain. I dont know. Its in me like a steal wall... But does it have to rule me. Having it rule the outside choices; my choices is the pain. If the adult is running things; what does it matter; Ill keep working on the steal wall; but if it doesn't effect my outside world; then its all good to go for me... meaning; Ill deal with it.
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I can hardly visualize making love to a women; but actually thats about connecting with self. So; more practice on visualizing intimacy.
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Why such problems with women; why! Thats whats got me bugged; Im not present with them; and Im scared to ask them questions or make demands of them... work with them on things; im scared to death; mainly because of dealing with my mother. So; this is an area of real achievement if this can happen.
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Not having the guts to ask someone out? learning to deal with rejection; Thats the big one. Thats where the pain is; thats what Ive got to practice and learn.
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My mother; thats what it comes down to; Grandmother mother, best friend mother; witches; unbelievable. I was nothing to them... any of them. And maybe thats the BRAINWASHING I received. They were nothing to me.... Thats why they did it; they were pure evil and no one payed any attention them and why would any decent person ever do such a thing; I was roped in because I was small; I was a child.
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Working with women would be something new... meaning; in a relationship; I dont mean taking a passive role like I had to with my mother; or a screaming match with them. I mean asking for what I want and working with them without the fear of fear....
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Im getting somewhere I guess... I dont know. Im lost in all this. I have no idea what Im doing or who to date.
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I feel like I cant trust the lower level women that have liked me because they are not faithful. And I cant trust the higher level cultural women because they dont need to be faithful to me... but if im present I can deal with it.
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Its this one strain of connections from birth; its a long long line of hate and intolerance. I see someone getting into my personal space and sexual life and boundaries and my core and messing it up; I see my Grandfather and my mother.... So; this tells me something. I can feel the numbness.... I can feel the fear. the horror and hatred.
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I have CPTSD; and many times think the only people I should have relationships are people who are like me.
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Becoming social again is the goal.
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A gap resides: its sexual abuse gap;
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I also see myself as a small child at Christmas getting presents; so I turn into a child when around women... Im not myself... Well; that child is myself. I dont know



I now have 2 distinct sets of beliefs and personalities running things; not to be confused with dissociate disorder personalities; Those were split off and mostly integrated... This is different. This is also a part of dissociative disorder or BPD....
I have my personality; the host. And I have the sexually abused child that is under he control of abusers... He is still captive in my nervous system; still feels the wait of what he was brainwashed with.
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So; one part of me; the part still under the control of the abusers lives by their rules; and those rules are; anything the abusers want and see as important or not important; I see as important or not important. If their favorite color is red; then my favorite color is red; and if I dont; I get abandoned and that means death to a child; or to me when young. I had already been abandon... So; they broke me into nothing; trampled all my boundaries; forced their way into my core areas... I was Ran over lets say..
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I have to learn how to fight for what I want. I mean; fight for what I want...
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The real me; the host; ME; I doesn't have to go by anyones rules accept my own... and my rules are not the rules of the abused person within me. Its a from of dissociative disorder it seems more BPD...
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The point is; the real me is starting to take over and the real me is the one that is ran by God

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So; Ill continue with the work God sends me to undo all of this insanity and get back to being present again.
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The problem with being present; I feel like I was be killed... its fear from what happened to me in the past over n over n over; and the way ive been treated by people.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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