Note; Im at another meeting; telling them Im better; im confessing my situation; My dissociative situation; I used to sit and write while everyone was talking; I was writing about my future; Today Im in my future. I dont write at meetings anymore; I listen now; im only able to stay present for 50% of the time; my auto's into dissociation; I cant do anything about it but try to stay present; I want to stay in the present now because ive kind of made it to that half of my Brain that is present and thats what im focusing on now. present. And its tuff to talk about; its almost like being schizoid. I might as well have been diagnosed with schizophrenia; There minds are taken over and they hear voices outside; same thing happens to me; Im taken inside my mind through PTSD and dissociation and im reliving flashbacks so much my mind is not present and I dont know whom Im listening to or talking to.. have the time its the people outside of me then its the people inside my mind and I cant tell the difference of where Im at; I dont know. But now I dont want to be hostage to that. I want to be present. And Im more willing to now understand the work to be present. Im looking forward to telling some of the women; if they would allow it; where my mind has been and why I didnt ask them out. And Im starting to see it; no one owes me anything because Im nuts; I mean; I never asked anyone out; Inside my mind; I Tell myself; they should have understood; but thats because Im completely in my mind and not outside anymore; totally dissociated from reality. but in reality; That does not work. The problem is; Im in reality for moment; and then im inside my mind and I think ( in side my mind is reality); its delusional; its 100% in my mind. Im not outside in reality... But I dont know that. But now; Im still really ill; but Im focusing on the part of me that is present and not the dissociative part and I have that ability and I never had that before. Biggest problem is shame and humiliation to be so disabled... I feel like no one in the world would want me around. But; thats not really how I feel anymore; Anymore; ill tell them who I am and if they would still like to have something to do with me thats up to them; but no more lies...
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As for women; I will talk to them and then ask them out; they will know whats going on up front... then; its up to them.
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So; what problems do I have left with women; Right now; rejection; Asking someone out; getting no answer; or rejection; or negative hate rejection or prejudice rejection. How do I not take it personalty as a stab to the heart; Fair enough; Ill have to learn how. This is a heart shaking area Ill have to work on... hurts already...
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As for women; Damn. Im starting to see it; They liked me; I could not really speak to them; and I never asked anyone out; I mean; I never went out with anyone; thats the delusional part.
As of note; the universe just supplied an answer for a wife. every time I think about women; all the negative; Im always thinking and dissociating; Im never present; IM in a dissociated state every time; including when Im writing about them.
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What God just supplied to me was; I have to be present when dealing with women. I have to be.. no negative thinking or any thinking.....
Im moving forward. I can see myself coming back to social ability; not completely; but completely but not. I meant; anyone dealing with mental illness knows what I mean.
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I have to finish this re scripting of my first girlfriend; it has to be complete and I get my power back. I have to see her in all stages with me in a positive sense as if we dated and had a great time; and finished that relationship. I have to see us together talking and kissing and laughing and hugging and spending time together; all of this counters the bad things that happened with the bad people. its a God thing...
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So; its already moving forward. And its making a difference...
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The other area is activities; I would like to be good at school again; be able to get into it; that was stolen from me. Id like to...
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music; playing guitar I think... making songs but not that alone; I wont more for my life... Allot more. but I would like that as an outlet...
I cant drum anymore technically; bad shoulders... I mean; I can always practice a bit; but no... I mean; but guitar; yes... So; we will see.
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Art is another area; its been a long time and huge fight to do anything productive; it hurts so much.. Ill have to keep working at this.
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As for relationships; The first things I have to learn; how to tell someone who I really am; where am at right now. Who Im not. Be and feel free around them. The other area is; when they ignore me or think they are better then; leave now. no questions. Ive spent allot of years in disrespect by people to sacrifice for my recovery; lots n lots of stupid arrogant people... id like to get away from that..
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I want to feel good about myself and where Im at in my life; that can be done. Ill have to keep working with God on it... its possible. Im working on it. I used to be somebody. I mean; Im a broken person who got dealt a certain set of cards and I used to be be someone. I am someone and I have to get back to being that person. IT will take work... to feel safe and sane again; that I have choices and I can learn to walk away from things that dont fit me. Im still controlled boy ninth grade teachers and school system from the past; its like Im not free inside. PTSD>.
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Im still not back; I mean; Im like half way. The rest of my mind is in the child mind thinking about being the Beatles when I grow up. Im still back there. So; I have to keep working with God on this.
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I made a big mistake last year liking this girl who did not like me. I turned her into the classic love affair in my head when in reality; no one existed.... I created this drama when no drama existed. If this girl might have had a beginning interest in me; it died quickly when I did not respond the favor. But I just had to keep reminiscing about her for ever and ever and now after 15 months Im really needing to let go of this and move on and Im seeing where Im having the trouble; its like having to grieve a love affair that never really happened but wanted it to happen; but only with the girl of my dreams; not the real one representing the girl of my dreams.
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Im starting to see things a bit more clearly; more present with the past added; she simply is a women and I know nothing about her nor about how she feels about anything. Ive tried to create a past concerning her but their is no past and I would like to forget her and move on. I m mad Im caught in this trauma bond with her somehow or about her. I dont get it. Im getting closer tho.. and Im working on a solution.
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One area of extreme importance; the child in me wants to come out and play and be a human being again; but I must remember; Im not dealing with other children and Im not 8 years old; those children are all grown up and mean people. I must remember that. I must remember to all the universe to send me to the right places for me to grow and be myself. Lots of treachery out their so I must know what I want... Ill work on that alignment.
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All negative dealing with women has to leave; not just about women; but about approaching them and feeling comfortable with myself. Being myself. Knowing when to leave... and leave them alone. Getting back my goals.
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learning to feel good around women; confident again. I have allot to offer. massive amounts to offer. ...... I have to learn that when people turn me down; I have to learn to get back up or not be bothered by it and know what Im looking for... Not be set off by social rejection or what ever...
What or whom am I looking for.
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As for women; Im about to start over; Its been 15 months since one girl took an interest in me. Ive got to be at different places this time; nicer places with nicer people; ive got to learn some how. I dont know. I think what Im looking for is an intellectual women. Someone quiet. Some one smart; but its got to be what Im inner being sees and the universe. So; Ill work on what Im looking for. I dont get it; not really.
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Ill keep working on it. Why should it be this hard to find a or attract a girlfriend. This is ######6 crazy.
Its not that I haven't attracted women; but their no good; non of them.. worthless. That is not my fault.
I rescind my statement. This is about the brainwashing of my mother; so the last upper sentence above this one is false statement. No proof exists so show that any of the women im talking about are actually worthless. But they are.... They had an opportunity to be with me and found something better but that meant someone they could control. I don't know; Im so confused.
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Im looking for a nice girl; I nice person. Someone thats nice. Ill have to work with God on this... and start manifesting using meditation to attract them... laws of attraction. But I have to know what Im looking for; one area; is ; they have to look up to me and like me; God has to send them. They have to be safe and faithful and of quality.. OR; no go...
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IVe found that women do not love anything; They love children yes; but they dont love anything; I can fall in love with a women; she does not love men. They dont love men; they love children. I really dont get it...
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I saw a picture of one of the women that used to like me; saw her on face book story telling or something; as I wake up; Im looking at her like; How the hell did I know here? I wasn't suppose to know her? Another mind blow out causality of dissociative disorder. And all of this stems from sexual abuse and remembering that I had to go back to a place I was pummeled; not listened to; not talked to as if I wasn't their; and abused controlled; sexually harassed; touched; fondled; constantly by a Pedophilia. This created another personality or more.... So; its not good stuff. dont know if Ill ever be able to deal with that part of what happened to me; just so horrible. No one cared. Nothing; pure throw away... no one cared. nothing. So; now; Im trying to care and as I wake up; Im seeing myself in many situation my dissociative condition got me into that the awake me has no idea how or why I was there. I mean; women I was going to marry? Are you kidding me. I look at them now repulsed. Not that they weren't good looking; we just had nothing in common at all accept I was nuts; thats all they new about me; I was never present.
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So; Things are changing. Im hoping I can get stronger and deal with the sexual abuse; looks like the top of the box is starting to come off and the light is shining in; I am getting some healing from that time period but I have to move forward more and let the light in and heal...
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