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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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23 dec; 2013

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Dec 24, 2013 1:41 am

As I struggle to get stronger , I falter and get pounded down, Im being blocked at every angle. Im blocked like a criminal and Im hated. I have no one in my corner ( Im alone). The people that are in my corner or say there in my corner are the ones helping to block me. Its all very difficult and hard. Im dealing with spiritual thieves and murderers. I need never forget about the 8 year old indian girl they forced to marry in her wedding costume; I saw her sad eyes; so scared and lonely and confused… and her 40 year old husband killed her on the wedding night by ripping her insides to pieces. What a society! Its not a joke living in this mess!

Ive been hated for most of my life; they're still continuing with contempt. Its at the core; its everywhere; The meetings, all the meetings, its with the payee, or others that are helping with other things. Its like dealing with murderers all day long! I might as well be in a prison.

The only person that ever really cared seemed to be my father; that was for a little while when I was a child; and thats it! the rest of the world is trying to hold me back or hold me down. And my father was just helping himself! He never really knew me. I had a girl once in the meetings like me! She liked me! it still freaked me out! I never jumped on it! I missed that opportunity!

Im on my knees all day long. Well, not enough. I have to keep taking it to God. People are trying to destroy me as I learn to go forward. Its horrible and it makes me sick. Its humiliating and degrading and demoralizing. Its not personal I think. They are trying to block me from going forward because I’m not supporting there efforts. They are trying to sabotage me. And I go through this all day long. And its real! the problem is the quality of people that has been helping me; The quality is low! I need better people! In order for this to occur, I need to feel safer inside and better about myself and have better boundaries. Im in a real struggle right now to establish myself. I feel Im in a desert with no water!

I will have to ask God for help. Im not sure where to go to get the spiritual help I need to go to the next step. where, when, how, why!

My mother has nothing but contempt for me. It was pure hatred; she was a sociopath. Because she was a sociopath I forgave her as I forgive all people. However, it seems to be coming from allot people, and I did nothing to them.

Im not of interest to anyone so I am not supported. Im not loved by anyone, yet, Im worthy of love. None of this is making any sense to me! No one is helping me where I need the help. Its all very frustrating, scary and confusing.. I can't be myself. Im being blocked from being myself. Im being choked out of being myself on every corner and every direction and degree.

Im not giving up, Im fighting back. I don't like this. Im trying to learn to by pass this. Its horrible.
I need to keep my wits about me, trust God and keep going. I must remember the world I live in. This place is a nightmare... I have to keep my wits about me and keep going... keep trusting God to heal, feel, and deal.

Christmas:
I will spend it alone. And that is OK. The rest of the world does not want to spend it with me. However, IVe been invited for a Christmas eve at someones house, and a new years party for my 12 step group. So, Im grateful. However, something is always wrong. Im never being treated for my worth. Im always being stamped out. Im not sure what to think of it! I have to work on this. Lots of people tying to hold me back or hold me down.

I do not have a way of defending myself. This will come next at another time. Now Im learning how to interact again, and Im getting murdered all the time. Im getting pummeled by people that don’t care about me or my future.

People are making it impossible for me to relax and feel safe when Im in the outside world; its horrible.

Im slowly learning to give way, away from my parents! or the happiness I remember and the way of life that was taken from me and is gone. I will be OK I think. I will start again! its just so humanly sad. Ive never seen anything like it! Why someone would force me or anyone else to go through what I went through. I know they are sociopaths! and this is that answer; it does not make it any easier. And my chance of survival was small; and that is horrible. And so many others will not make it or will be living-zombies with a shortened life. None is fair on this planet. its all crazy!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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