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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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(Might trigger!) Just venting!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Nov 13, 2016 5:30 am

So; I have places like this to vent my opinions! I have no real place to have an opinion that anyone cares about; maybe God can do something about this!




As I get older it gets harder! I don't look the same; Im not young anymore! Im getting fat; harder n harder to get rid of it! I can get rid of it! the hardest part is why?! its better to be thin; it just is! you feel better about yourself! my clothing looks normal on me when thin; I feel more attractive!

its hard being from an athletic background and getting old!

Athletic meaning; being in the gym; on mountain bikes all the time!

================

Ive lived a false life! Ive lived a life that I cant handle reality! cannot connect to it! Im always finding myself in a new place trying to wake up from dissociation! My life has gone nowhere! I was thrown away when I was 10 years old and never recovered from the economic or career losses this invoked!

I have no friends! I have to work with God! This does not mean I don't have a million acquaintance; I do! but most have no real value for me and they dont care either way! As I get more self love, most of them are dropping away!

if I hang out with anyone with money; Im kind of a mascot! Im treated as a lamp stand of entertainment! Im not taken for what Im worth! why should they! I have no money and no life! I have God!

Im always on the edge of suicide because Im not valued anywhere! Im not the only human being in this situation! I don't know what to do about it! Ive turned to the laws of attraction! I feel they are working somewhat! They work! but Im not getting any answers to the bigger questions; so I have to keep working at them! it always seems that the dream I had of my life can only be accomplished in heaven!

I have a friend of mine that just drank herself to death! I envy her! she doesn't have to come back to this place! she can sleep for ever! she is now in Gods kingdom! She was a bright intelligent women that was thrown away from society! Im very much like her! I would love to go away and never come back!

Ive had to people please all of my life! I have no value for people anymore! Ive seen what the masses are really like! most are no better then murder's in my book! I would rather not be here!

Im codependent and a mass people pleaser! to let go of people pleasing is to truly be alone!

what others think of me is more important then what I think of myself!

As I wake up; I wake up alone! I go to a thousand 12 step groups; thats all I do! I wake up after going to a 100000 12 step groups, to find myself, once again alone on planet earth! Im connected to nothing! Im of no value to the people in these meetings! they dont know me or care!

I've got porn and the internet! Im trying to get back into my music and art! I feel no control over my personal life; I feel Im bought and sold! I feel no better then a slave!

If I put people to the test and said; prove your friendship; they would all vanish! all of them!

All of my talents have been waisted! meaning, They never amounted to anything! Im trying to do something about it; its almost impossible!

It costs allot of money to live! it costs to much! way over my head! I don't understand! honestly, I cant see how any decent person would want to live on this planet! I dont understand why more people haven't killed themselves or started a war!

Im trying to stay away from suicide! I live in a country that values nothing! Its the most lonely place on earth! Mother Teresa of Calcutta said she hated this place and left! This place is cut off from everything and everyone! she left; went back to India! Its a lonely horrible place here! If you've got money and you kiss up as a yes man to everyone; you will be ok!

I honestly cant see any other place I would rather be then heaven! I had the opportunity to change! Ive seen enough people kill themselves! at least Im alive! but for what!! Im valued by no one!

Im truly with God; that is all I have or have ever had! Ive been completely alone all my life! my early life was a horrible nightmare because of the mental damage done to me! It was all fraud! I was lead on by a fronted false family system, to believe I would have a good life! it was all planned! it was a complete lie! the scum that did this are all gone now! I was robbed of my inheritances in one fashion or another! all sociopaths psychopath did this! I was forced to leave the area I lived in and start over at the level of a foster kid; my schooling was destroyed from the beginning! I wanted to be a strait A student! not possible! I was run into the ground or completely neglected to the point of becoming extremely dissociated and immature! I believe I had the maturity of a 4 year old at the age of 8 years old! the majority of a 5 year old when I was 10 years old! their was no one looking out for me; ever!

The goal now is to work with God and learn to attract the right kind of life into my life! the problem is; I get no joy out of this! Im tired! and now I have to go on yet, another journey! nothing makes any sense! theirs no life out of this!

Im a very talented person that is trying to keep his talents alive! I dont know what else to do! Yet, I dont know why I should even be involved in any talents! whats the point! I dont have the money to play live; or create live! put on a show! or practice anywhere!

Ive finally bought, through Gods help; the laws of attraction, a vocal booth! this allows me to sing in my apartment!

My personal story has no interest by anyone!

nothing makes any sense!

I have to align with God! its all a spiritual matter; its about the Universe!

The 12 step meetings are like a hospital for the mentally shocked! its a middle ground between the outside world and the mental hospital! but where does all this lead! Im getting better; but for what; and where do I go; to an outside world that does not value me!

I have no real friends! Ive never had any! I tried when young; but it was all taken away very young! it was all fraud! and the friends I made were from upper middle class families! they wanted nothing to do with me! they were just being nice at first; thats why they let me hang out with them; their parents knew something was wrong! I was very young, and spending all my time at their houses! soon, I was not wanted anymore! they found an excuse! so, I had no real friends!

I have no family; the people I came from were monsters and not people! i see them at times; I wont talk to them; they are not safe people; respect nothing!

Im trying to hang on! I have allot of PTSD and dissociative problems and Im trying to get a life out of this!

Ive watched my whole life being erased and destroyed along with my dreams and talents! Im trying to pick up the pieces and come back to life! but why? where is it all leading! Fear sets in! terror!

Its all about working with God and the Universe! the outside world holds nothing for me! Im not connected to anything or anyone!

The 12 step groups and psych groups I go to have nothing for me! Im not connected to any of those people; I dont fit in! but I go their for recovery! Im still alive so its working; but alive for what! this will be the next question I ask God! what is the point of this!

And the other question to ask God! I would rather be gone and dead! I would rather join those who have killed themselves! I think any decent honorable person would want nothing to do with this place! Im better off dead! I have nothing and no one! So, that is the question I pose God! why do all this! for what?

The ghosts speak to me! the dead speak to me; those I know who have died! they tell me not to join them; that I dont have to; I can keep up the fight, make a life out of it! we will see!


Women; This is a horror subject! the biggest problem is; where are the women that are worth enough for me to take an interest in! I have to work with God on this! the journey is the hard part! no one wants to go through the demoralization of being around the wrong people! it sucks!

Self worth; I dont feel good enough about myself to be around anyone! what does this mean! Im poor! if Im around the middle classes! I dont fit in!

Im an intelligent man but Im on SSI! does this matter! no! but it matters to me when Im dealing with the wrong people! Ive had women look at me as a loser; but the option was open to sleep with them; the answer is no! Im not interest in people who think an honest man is a loser! I want nothing to do with it or them; ever!

Im a decent person! in another life; things would have been different or better! I did not plan on my life being derailed in the fashion it has been derailed!

Ive had plenty of women from the 12 step groups like me! but they have no conscious! Im not interested! Many people don't take me seriously! they see nothing in me! and I know many people who have gone through this type of treatment and simply kill themselves! they will not continue to be treated like second class citizens!

Self worth is a horrible thing in a society made out of money! if you dont have any money! your not taken seriously!

Its not that I could not love someone! I haven't found anyone that wants to be loved by me! Im not around the right people!

I have to want someone; like them, want to go after them! I dont know anyone like this! Im not in the circles of people that I should be in with! I will work with God on this!

America is a land of Cast systems; its no different then India! its the same! Im an untouchable! I have God but little else!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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