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HOCD or not? by gj12345 on Fri Mar 27, 2015 4:46 am
I have been struggling with what I think and hope is HOCD for about a month now. I am a 19 year old female who oddly never questioned her sexuality throughout puberty until now. I say oddly because I was exposed to pornography from a young age (embarrassed to even say that). And for the most part I always watched Lesbian porn (I also watched straight porn but found it off putting because it was difficult to find a guy I thought was cute.) Even when this was occurring (from about age 12) I never once had a crush on a girl. Since kindergarten I can remember having crushes on boys left and right. I did have some same sex experimentation in like the first grade but never thought much of it because it was with my best friend at the time and I didn't LIKE her (even helped her get a boyfriend lol) and I never had feelings towards girls. I have to admit I did have a Lesbian scare in the 6th grade after watching a movie with Lesbians involved (connecting it back to masturbation thinking I'd HAVE to end up with a girl) but quickly got over it due to knowing I'd never actually want a relationship with another girl. After that I was your boy crazy girl from 6-12 grade. All I ever dreamed about were guys and how my first kiss would be the best and it seemed that I had a crush on just about every teen male singer/actor. I went through Jesse McCartney/Bow Wow/Chris Brown/Justin Bieber/One Direction and PLENTY more. Boys always made me smile and feel warm. Now this is where it gets tricky. I started college this year and I've had about 3 crushes since then. I had a major one on a guy I haven't seen for a while and that really made me upset. I didn't/ still don't really feel like I fit in here and it was really tough for the first few months. I envied my friends because it seemed they got all the attention from the boys and I felt like I'd be alone forever (I've never had a boyfriend and I tormented myself with this before HOCD kicked in). So things were already pretty rough and a bit later my Mom had a heart attack and on top of stress at school my world felt like it was crumbling. SO THIS IS WHERE WE GET TO WHERE IT ALL STARTED. One day a girl came in from another class and started talking to me, she seemed really friendly so I was like "oh this girl is really nice." She seemed really interested in what I had to say and I found it a little strange and awkward. It almost felt like she was flirting with me. I didn't want to be rude so I agreed to give her my number and she left shortly after. The whole time I was thinking "how strange it felt like she was hitting on me." But due to my computer not working I brushed it off. Later on she popped back into my head and I started freaking out. I kept replaying our conversation and wondering if I had made it seem like I was interested. The thoughts bothered me and soon they became unstoppable. I kept wondering if I was flirting or that if by giving her my number it meant I wanted something. I was starting to get over my paranoia when se texted me one day in class. I felt so anxious and sick that I asked to leave early because it felt like I was having a panic attack. Things only got worse after that and I ended up getting diagnosed with anxiety and depression (2 weeks today on PAXIL). All I could think was if I was gay and how could I have missed that, and all the porn came back to haunt me. I've never wanted to date a girl so I'm so confused. I try to imagine myself with a girl and I can't do it. I laid in bed for a week without appetite or energy to do anything (even hobbies). I began to obsess and wonder if I had always been a Lesbian or if it was something new I'd have to get used to. Even going out with friends I've hung out with so many times before was depressing. I keep thinking I'm in love with all of my friends or have strange attractions to any female that stands close to me. I sleep a lot and feel like I'm in a hole. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I want anymore...

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Entry 2 by idcidcidcidcidc on Wed Aug 22, 2018 6:38 am
I had pretty bad anxiety today too. Honestly it comes and goes, theres times when i feel like im fine and maybe i was making a big deal out of things and the next im anxious and i feel gross and judged...

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THURSDAY HORNY ADVENTURE ALONE by 2man on Thu Jul 26, 2018 12:55 pm
I am a 31 year old guy, married struggling with depression and identity issues.
I spent today sniffing speed and masturbating.
I finished work at 6.30 am, i had been sniffing cocaine since 2am, the shift...

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0 Comments Viewed 6102 times
Do I sound like an aspergirl? OCD, Tourettes, by Queencoco on Sun Jul 15, 2018 2:45 am
Hi there!
20 year old girl looking for some guidance.
I have a history of mental health issues but have never been diagnosed with anything. My dad has Tourettes with ocd and my sister has anxiety disorder....

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0 Comments Viewed 43081 times
Shoplifting Mother!! HELP! by Greyartist on Sat Jul 14, 2018 5:13 am
Hi, this will be my first post on here and I really need some advice or help and I’m beyond desperate. My mother is a shoplifter, and I’m only a teenager and I’m the only one in the family that knows and I...

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0 Comments Viewed 27982 times
Cutting and Emptiness ☆TRIGGER WARNING☆ by anxiousandscared on Sat Jul 07, 2018 6:03 am
Okay so I know this is going to be a lot to take in.. but take it in small peices.
Okay so first off some backstory:
Hi.. You can call me Katie, im a teenager and having a lot of trouble in my home life,...

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0 Comments Viewed 22463 times
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Re: Personality Disorder by Snaga on Tue Jun 12, 2018 9:57 pm
Well hoping that you find someone who can help. Welcome to the blog section! Please be sure to go to hospital if you feel the immediate urge to harm yourself, also remember we have a self-harm forum...

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Re: i feel terrible by Snaga on Thu May 31, 2018 12:47 am
I'm not sure anything you did as a kid can be held against you like that in the future, juvenile records used to be sealed. Sounds as if you were doing stuff kids do, to me. Not that it was smart or advisable,...

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Re: My Anxiety Is Destroying Me. Help. by star dust on Wed May 09, 2018 3:22 pm
Hey,

Sorry you're having a rough time. I don't really have any fantastic advice unfortunately. However I would say, you should try and let go of the need for approval from your father. I know that's easier...

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Re: Please Help me figure out what's wrong with me by Objectified on Fri Apr 27, 2018 9:35 am
May be you wanted to feel more important and therefore you lied so that you will get the attention you did not receive. Do you recall your parents neglecting you in any way? Or may be, were you jealous...

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Re: Please Help me figure out what's wrong with me by Snaga on Fri Apr 27, 2018 3:20 am
Hello and welcome to the forums! You might find the blogs don't get much responses, you might consider posting in one of the forums. I'm not sure which forum- you might find it better to break your story...

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