AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

frustrating.
i feel like giving up.

.

Finally got myself a tattoo. I've been thinking about it for awhile. Walked into a shop this weekend and found the perfect one.The first couple minutes frickin' hurt, but after that I mostly zoned out and didn't feel it too much. It was only suppose to take an hour, but the artist was having trouble with some of the detail, so we modified it about an hour in to better fit his style/abilities. It took about three hours. It looks AMAZING now. I'm very happy with it. I've been taking care of it to make sure it heals properly, rubbing A&E on it and whatnot. Its a great distraction. I've only cut once since I got it (which isn't saying much since its only been two days, but I still think its progress). I'm already planning my next tattoo. I think I'd like to get a vine with little blue flowers over my ankle and then flowing over the top of my foot. I think it could look very pretty. I'll wait until the first tat heals before I get a second one. I'll also need some of the cuts on my foot to heal to make room for the tattoo.

As far as mood today, I'm feeling drained. I skipped work. I actually got to the office parking lot (an hour commute) and then turned around and came straight home. Usually, something stupid like that would trigger me to cut, but today I didn't. I cleaned my tattoo with antibacterial soap and rubbed ointment on it and then took a two hour nap.

I've got a screening for an outpatient intensive therapy appt tomorrow. Feeling super nervous about that.

Its the not knowing that bothers me the most. I wish I knew, but I know that knowing could rip me apart.